You Can't Do That on Television (CA) - Episode Quotes

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You Can't Do That on Television (CA) Quotes

	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Foreign Countries Pauline: Hey Angie, did you know I can speak a foreign language? Angie: Really? I didn't know that. Let me hear you. Pauline: Okay. "Hi. How are you? Nice weather we're having." Angie: Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having? That's not a foreign language. Pauline: Yes it is. It's English. Angie: Well I know it's English. Pauline: Well England IS a foreign country.
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Courage Repeated Line: [Repeated Phrase] We know, it's the introduction to the opposite!
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - Sports Moose: Now... sports fans, I give you the starting line of our school's newist football team. Brode Osome, the quarterback. Moose: Tony Lefebvre, the halfback. Moose: And last, but not least, Kevin Kubusheskie... Moose: [roles her eyes; beat] The drawback.
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - Sports Moose: Now at half-time sports fans, here are some scores: Adam 12, Spaghetti O, Jaws 2, Catch 22, and a new one just in, Hawaii Five-O.
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - Sports Brodie: Did you know that the National Hockey League was interested in Barth? Simone: Barth? I didn't know he could skate. Brodie: He can't. It's just that his hamburgers make great hockey pucks. Kevin: Yeah, but did you hear that the league isn't allowed to use them anymore? Simone: Why not? Kevin: Because they broke too many sticks.
	Season 3 / Episode 9: - Television Christine: Ya know, you're kinda new at this, so if you have any questions at all, just ask me. Vanessa: Well, there is one thing I'd like to ask you. Christine: Sure. Vanessa: How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you? Christine: Oh, well, first they take some wa... some liquid, and then they add some Jell-O powder, and some flour, sometimes some soap, and they dump it all over me. Vanessa: [Looks around] Where do they dump it from? Christine: Honestly, Vanessa, I've always wondered that, too. I just don't know. Vanessa: Very interesting. Is it always green? Christine: Well, yeah, it usually is, but I guess it could be red. Christine: Or... maybe blue. Christine: Or yellow. Christine: Yeah. Okay, you think you're so smart, let's see stripes! Vanessa: Boy, must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out. Christine: Well, it usually washes out with water. Christine: Usually.
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Personal Hygiene Mr. Shidler: Kevin, your personal hygiene is horrible! It's the first day of the new school year, and you are the dirtiest, messiest, kid that I've seen. I can tell just by looking and smelling you, at what you had for breakfast this morning. Kevin: Okay, sir. What did I have for breakfast this morning? Mr. Shidler: Eggs. Soft-boiled eggs. Kevin: Wrong, sir. I think I had soft-boiled eggs last July.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Dating Lisa: Tell me, how far did you and Nigel go on your first date? Moose: Only about two blocks from my house to have dinner at Barth's Burgery.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Work, Work, Work Zilch: Good morning, Mr. Barth, sir. Barth: Good morning, zit farm. Zilch: Mr. Barth, tell me one reason why you can't say a kind word to me. Barth: Because you're a wishy-washy, weak-kneed, acned, face-covered, jellyfish! Zilch: I said one reason.
	Unknown Episode: Alasdair: Alanis... I... Alanis: Yes, Alasdair? Alasdair: [voice cracking] Alanis... I... Alanis: YES, Alasdair? Alasdair: Alanis... If... if you won't go with me to the network party, I'm just going to have to kill myself, that's all. Alanis: Oh, Alasdair. How touching. I really want to help you. Okay. Alasdair: You'll come? Alanis: No, I'll go. Alasdair: You'll go? Great! Alanis: I'll go and get my father's gun.
	Unknown Episode: Christine: Oh, Alanis? Alanis: Yes, Christine? Christine: I'm having a party for Bruce Springsteen, you wanna come? Alanis: Bruce Springsteen! How do you know him? Christine: Well, I don't. Alanis: Then how can you have a party for him? Christine: You just buy some cheesies and soda pop and watch some videos, and voila. Alanis: But he won't be there. Christine: Well that's his loss, isn't it?
	Unknown Episode: Alasdair: Sometimes, it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself.
	Unknown Episode: Valerie: Vanessa, don't feed the cat under the table. Feed him on top of the table, instead!
	Unknown Episode: Kevin: You know, Barth runs a pretty clean place here. Alasdair: Clean? You call this place clean? Why even the rats wouldn't be caught dead in here! Christine: Yeah, and even if they did they'd end up in the burger mix anyway.
	Unknown Episode: Mr. Shidler: Where does the school board find them and why do they send them to me?
	Unknown Episode: Valarie: He has a point. Lance: Don't encourage him!
	Unknown Episode: Executioner: Ready! Aim! Jono: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Stop the execution! Executioner: What is it this time?
	Unknown Episode: Valarie: Chris you were our first born, then you Jill, you were our second born and Christian, you were our first. Christian: Really? Valarie: Yes! Our first BIG mistake.
	Unknown Episode: Jono: You mean you're gonna let me go? All right! Blue skies, fresh air, open horizons, Barthy burgers, girls!
	Unknown Episode: Christine: I just don't know!
	Unknown Episode: Christine: As you all know, Vanessa is new to the show and Vanessa, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask me. Vanessa: There is something I wanted to ask you. Christine: Sure? Vanessa: How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you? Christine: First they take some liquid and then they add some jello powder and some flour. Sometimes some soap and they dump it all over me. Vanessa: Where do they dump it from? Christine: Actually Vanessa, I've always wondered that too, but I just don't know. Vanessa: Interesting. Is it always green like this? Christine: Well, yeah it usually is, but I guess it could be red. Christine: Or... it could be blue. Christine: [getting annoyed] Or yellow. Christine: Yep... Okay, you guys think you're so smart? Let's see stripes. Vanessa: Boy, must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out? Christine: Well, it usually washes out with water. Christine: Usually.
	Unknown Episode: Lisa: You know, Christine, I was just thinking... Christine: That's odd.
	Unknown Episode: Christine: [Ross comes onto the main set, playing a ukelele and singing. He gets on one knee near the cast all sitting there watching. Christine interrupts him] Ross, what are you doing? Ross: What do you mean 'what am I doing'? This is a ukelele. I'm telling you, everybody played a uke when I was a kid. Christine: Come on, Ross. Get with it man. Today's sounds are electronic. You know, guitar power? [the rest of the cast agrees] Ross: Oh, you mean like this? [Using the ukelele, he mimes playing an electric guitar for about 10 seconds, while the guitar solo break from Heart's 'Magic Man' is used. When he stops, he shakes his head] Nope. I don't like it. [Gets up and walks off playing the ukelele as he did before and singing]
	Unknown Episode: Christine: Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That on Television. Another in a long series of sour notes.
	Unknown Episode: Mr. Shidler: [Catches Brodie trying to sneak into class] You're late again. Thought you could sneak past me, Osome? Brodie: No sir. Mr. Shidler: Listen. do you have a note from your father? Brodie: Yeah. [singing loudly] MMMMIIIIII! Mr. Shidler: [Clearing out his ear] Whoo. You got me that time, kid. You're lucky your father is an operatic star.
	Unknown Episode: Valarie: [Valerie and Lance are sitting at the dining room table, Lance drinking a glass of scotch with the bottle next to him] Lance, I really think you're exaggerating. My mother doesn't hate you, dear. Lance: That's what you think. Valarie: Well Lance, if she hated you, she wouldn't have brought you that lovely bottle of scotch back from her trip to Inverness. Lance: Oh I admit that the bottle of scotch was very nice. I admit that, but it's what she brought Alasdair that proves she hates me! Valarie: [At that, Alasdar comes into the room playing a set of bagpipes badly, then grabs Lance's glass of scotch and leaves] You know, you may have a point there, dear.
	Unknown Episode: Mr. Shidler: Attention, can anyone tell me what the three 'B's are? [Underlines an upper-case B on the blackboard. Brodie raises his hand] Brodie? Brodie: The Boss, the Beatles, and the Beach Boys. Lisa: No. It's Black Sabbath, the Blue Oyster Cult, and the B52s. Yeah. Justin: No no no. How classless of you two. Everyone knows that the three 'B's are Beethoven, Bach, and Brahms. Mr. Shidler: Wrong! You're all wrong. The three 'B's are the worker, the drone and the queen 'bee'. [Draws two small 'e's next to the 'B'] This is a science class. You forgot. you kids have nothing but music on your minds. [They all start humming, and Mr. Shidler joins in]
	Unknown Episode: Mr. Shidler: [Everyone in class is playing an instrument badly] Hold it. Cut. CUT! [They stop] You know, sometimes, I wish I were like Beethoven. Brodie: Is that so you can write beautiful music for us to play? Mr. Shidler: No! Beethoven was deaf. Brodie: Well I think that can be arrainged, sir. [They all start playing badly again, this time louder]
	Unknown Episode: Christine: [Sees Brodie come in wearing a baseball uniform, and carrying a violin on his shoulder as one would do a baseball bat] Hey Brodie, what's happening. You going to play baseball? Brodie: I was, but my dad cornered me and ordered me to go home and play my violin. Christine: Well, that's a drag. What are you going to do now? Brodie: Compromise. [Throws a ball in the air, then bats it with the violin]
	Unknown Episode: Mr. Shidler: Now class, as we are going on a field trip, it's most important we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me, what are the four natural elements of the universe? [Lisa raises her hand] Lisa? Lisa: Earth. Mr. Shidler: Right. That's one. Um, Kevin? Kevin: Uh, air. Mr. Shidler: That's right. That's two. Uh, Christine? Christine: Um, fire! Mr. Shidler: Right. And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is? Vanessa: Yeah, but I'm not going to. Mr. Shidler: Well, Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know. Vanessa: Well, either way, I get something dumped on me. [Gives in] Okay, water. [And you know the rest] Mr. Shidler: Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.