James Hacker: Why is it that Ministers can't ever go anywhere without their briefs?
Bernard Woolley: It's in case they get caught with their trousers down.

Sir Humphrey Appleby: Well, Bernard, have you enjoyed having your Minister away for a week?
Bernard Woolley: Not very much. Makes things very difficult.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Ah, Bernard! A Minister's absence is a godsend! You can do the job properly for once. No silly questions, no bright ideas, no fussing about the papers. I think our Minister doesn't believe he exists unless he's in the papers. I'll bet the first thing he says is, "Any reports on my Washington speech?"
Bernard Woolley: How much?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: A pound.
Bernard Woolley: Done. He won't because he's already asked. In the car on the way back from Heathrow.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: You're learning, Bernard. Sit down. See why a Minister's absence is a good thing?
Bernard Woolley: Yes, but so much work piles up.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: With a couple of days' briefing before he goes and debriefing after, he's out of our hair for a fortnight. If he complains of being uninformed, say it came up while he was away.
Bernard Woolley: Hence so many summit conferences?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: That's the only way the country works! Concentrate all the power at Number 10 then send the PM away to EEC summits, NATO summits, Commonwealth summits, anywhere! Then the Cabinet Secretary can run the country properly.
Bernard Woolley: We ought to see him now.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: What do you think of the Washington speech? [Reads] "British administration as a model of loyalty and efficiency. A ruthless war on waste, cutting bureaucracy to the bone. A lesson Britain can teach the world!"
Bernard Woolley: Can we prove it?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: A good speech isn't one where we can prove he's telling the truth. It's one in which nobody else can prove he's lying!
Bernard Woolley: But even so, I'm sure it was good, but I just wondered whether it might have been boring for the audience.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Of course it was boring! Bored the pants of them! Ghastly to have to sit through it, I should think! Ministers' speeches aren't written for the audience. Delivering a speech is just a formality you go through to get into the papers. We can't worry about entertaining. We're not writing for a comedian. Well, not a professional one. The point is the speech said the right things.
Bernard Woolley: But why say it in public?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: It's vital. Once it's printed, the Minister has to defend us in select committees.
Bernard Woolley: He defends us anyway.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Well... Only to a point, Bernard. Once something goes wrong, the Minister's first instinct is to rat on his department. That's why we write him a speech that nails his trousers to the mast.
Bernard Woolley: You mean nail his colours to the mast?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: No, his trousers. Then he can't climb down!

Sir Humphrey Appleby: We can't worry about entertaining people. We are not scriptwriters for a comedian. Well not a professional one, anyway.

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