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Characters: #3 of 8 (Full List)
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 | Season 4 / Episode 11: - You Can't Go Out of Town Again Les Nessman: When someone plays mind games with Les Nessman, they're walking on thin ice. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 4: - Rumors Les Nessman: Well I'm shocked. Bailey Quarters: I'm amazed. Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: I'm stunned. Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Well, I guess everything's normal here. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 2: - An Explosive Affair (2) Les Nessman: [after the bomb has destroyed the transmitter] Johnny, Venus, you're alive? Dr. Johnny Fever: The newsman's eye, you just can't fool it. Les Nessman: [Sadly] That's wonderful? Venus Flytrap: Gee, thanks Les. Les Nessman: Of course, I'll have to update my story. Venus Flytrap: Story! Les Nessman: How'd you like it Andy? Andy Travis: How'd I like what Les? Les Nessman: My 4 o'clock news report, didn't you listen? Andy Travis: Les, the transmitter blew up. Les Nessman: Of course, that was my lead. Dr. Johnny Fever: Wait a minute, you lead off your newscast by telling them that we were off the air? Les Nessman: I can include that in my update. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 22: - Clean Up Radio Everywhere Les Nessman: If Edward R. Murrow, my idol, were here, he'd say, "That's censorship!" On the other hand, if General George Patton -- my other idol -- were here, I think he'd take a battalion of tanks, and knock those liberal pinheads into the Ohio River! [pause] So, as you can see ... I'm a very confused man. [walks off] |
 | Season 2 / Episode 17: - The Americanization of Ivan Les Nessman: [Ivan is flirting with Bailey after a press conference on Soviet pork production in Cincinnati] Let's just stick to pigs, comrade. Ivan Popasonaviski: [still locked in a gaze with Bailey] Press conference over, Howdy. |
| Season 2 / Episode 5: - Jennifer Falls in Love Les Nessman: Steel, is it? Steel Hawthorne: Yeah, Steel Hawthorn. Les Nessman: That's a nice name. Steel Hawthorne: Thanks. I like to think that a person's name says a lot about the type of person he is. What was your name again? |
 | Season 1 / Episode 20: - Young Master Carlson Arthur Carlson Jr.: [less pays Arthur Carlson Jr. to learn what Mrs. Carlson says about him] She says that you're obtuse. Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: [reading dictionary] Adultry... Admire... Les Nessman: Let me see that. [takes dictionary away from Herb] Obtuse... Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: [snatching dictionary back from Less] Addle-minded! Les Nessman: [snatching back the dictionary] Obtuse! Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: [Herb attempts to snatch dictionary, but Less slams Herb's hand in the book] Addle-ow! Bailey Quarters: [entering] Hi, guys. Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Oh, hi, Baily. Met Carlson's son? Bailey Quarters: Yes. I've had the pleasure. Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Well, he's guite a kid. Let me tell you. [under breath to Arthur Carlson Jr] Tell your dad I said that. Les Nessman: [excited] Obtuse! According to Websters, exceeding ninety degrees but less than one-hundred eighty degrees; lacking sharpness or quickness of sensibility; rounded at the free end; dull. [looking offended] That's an insult! Bailey Quarters: Less, take it easy. Les Nessman: Take it easy! Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Yeah. Just calm down, okay? Les Nessman: Don't tell me to calm down. I just paid five dollars to find out I'm rounded at the free end! Bailey Quarters: Cool off, Less. Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: He's just mad because he's not addle-minded. Les Nessman: I am too. Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: No. You're not. Les Nessman: [Herb and Less start hitting each other] Yes. I am. Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: No. You're not. Les Nessman: Yes. I am! Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: You're not! Bailey Quarters: You guys! You are both addle-minded! Les Nessman: Thank you, Baily. |
| Season 1 / Episode 18: - Who is Gordon Sims? Les Nessman: What is Venus doing for the Army, Andy? Andy Travis: [after several fake looks around to see if anyone is listening, he whispers the answer to Les] he's peeling potatoes. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 15: - Never Leave Me, Lucille Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: Hi guys! Andy Travis: Oh, what's your sign? Venus Flytrap: You live around here, mama? Johnny 'Dr. Fever' Caravella: Want a little action, sugar? Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: Well, Les, don't you have an opening line? Les Nessman: [Looks uneasy, then sits down an picks up a drink] Hi, I'm extremely wealthy. Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: Ooh. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 12: - Tornado Andy Travis: Here, Les. Read the disaster plan. Les Nessman: But, Andy, the disaster plan doesn't say anything about tornadoes. It's for what to do if we are ever attacked by the Communists! Andy Travis: Well... Just read the plan and wherever you see the word "Communist" substitute the word "tornado." Les Nessman: [into the microphone] Citizens of Cincinnati, we are being attacked by the godless... tornadoes! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 7: - Turkeys Away Les Nessman: I'm here with hundreds of people who have gathered to witness what has been described as perhaps the greatest turkey event in Thanksgiving Day history. All we know for sure is that in a very few moments there are going to be a lot of happy out here. Now the crowd is... Les Nessman: the... the crowd is uh... curious but well behaved. And I think I hear something now. Uh... The crowd is moving out into the parking area. And... oh yes! I can see it now. It's a... it's a... helicopter and it's coming this way! Andy Travis: A helicopter? Les Nessman: It's flying something behind it and I can't quite make it out. It's a large banner and it says H A P P Y... T H A N K S... giving... from W... K... R... P! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen. What a sight. The 'copter seems to circling the parking area now. I guess it's looking for a place to land. No! Something just came out of the back of a helicopter. It's a dark object, perhaps a skydiver plummeting to earth from only two thousand feet in the air... There's a third... No parachutes yet... They can't be skydivers. I can't tell just yet what they are but... Oh my God! They're turkeys! Oh no! Johnny can you get this? Oh, they're crashing to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! This is terrible! Everyone's running around pushing each other. Oh my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about. The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Folks, I don't know how much longer... The crowd is running for their lives. I think I'm going to step inside. I can't stand here and watch this anymore. No, I can't go in there. Children are searching for their mothers and oh, not since the Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this. I don't know how much longer I can hold my position here, Johnny. The crowd... Dr. Johnny Fever: Les? Les? Les, are you there? Les isn't there. Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. For those of you who've just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven. |
| Season 1 / Episode 7: - Turkeys Away Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: You want me, Mr. Carlson? Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Oh, yeah. Come in, Jennifer. Have a seat. Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: No, thank you. Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Well all right. At this particular point in time, I would like to dictate a press release. Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: I don't take dictation. Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: What? Alright, I guess I can do this thing myself. It's probably going to be a long meeting though; so why don't you get coffee for all the guys here? Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: I don't get coffee, Mr. Carlson. We agreed. Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Oh, yeah. Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: You have to draw the line somewhere. Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: You got that right. Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: Will there be anything else I can do? Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: No. I think that about does it. Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe: Thank you. Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Oh, no. Thank you. Les Nessman: How does she get away with that? Herbert 'Herb' Tarlek: Are you kidding? |
 | Season 1 / Episode 2: - Pilot (2) Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: [Les has gone into Carlson's office inquiring about the protesters in the lobby] Well, it looks like your worst fears have finally been realized, Les. That group in the lobby, they're Cubans. Les Nessman: Oh, no... Arthur 'Big Guy' Carlson: Yep... it's a plot. I think the Red Chinese are behind it. Les Nessman: I always thought we were safe from that kind of thing in Cincinnati. |
| Unknown Episode: Les Nessman: What is an executrix? Herb Tarlek: Oh it has to do with whips, chains, and leather. That sort of thing. |
| Unknown Episode: Dr. Johnny Fever: Do you have enough money to feed yourself? Les Nessman: Yes. Dr. Johnny Fever: I don't, can you loan me some money? Les Nessman: No. Dr. Johnny Fever: Can you loan me some food? |
| Unknown Episode: Les Nessman: Last night at that house, did anything happen? Jennifer Marlowe: I met a lady whose car I have to replace and I discovered we have a sex pervert in the neighborhood. Les Nessman: No, I mean did anything unusual happen? |
| Unknown Episode: Les Nessman: [saying that Bailey shouldn't produce the show] This isn't the Ohio State School of Journalism, this is the big time. |
| Unknown Episode: Les Nessman: [repeated sign-off line] This is Les Nessman saying so long, and may the good news be yours. |
| Unknown Episode: Les Nessman: Oooo! |
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