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Characters: #1 of 7 (Full List)
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Played by:
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 | Season 5 / Episode 8: - Joe Blows (2) Brian Michael Hackett: And as if that *weren't* enough, I'm the one who's sittin' here wearing a FREAKIN' CLOWN SUIT! |
| Season 3 / Episode 17: - Das Plane Brian Michael Hackett: [waving to an empty cornfield] So long, Shoeless Joe. Well, it's official: I have absolutely no idea where the hell we are. Lowell Mather: Well, the corn's as high as an elephant's eye. I'd say we're in Iowa. Brian Michael Hackett: That's Oklahoma, you nimrod. Lowell Mather: [looking at Brian's feet] Well, I may be a nimrod, but at least I'm not the one standing in cow pies. Joe Montgomery Hackett: [emerging from another section of the cornfield] Well, I couldn't find any signs of life. Any word from Antonio? Lowell Mather: No, not since he disappeared down that dirt road. Hey, wouldn't it be neat if he got picked up by aliens? This is where it happens, you know: cornfields in Iowa! Brian Michael Hackett: We're not in Iowa! Lowell Mather: Oh right,*Stinky* thinks we're in Oklahoma! |
| Season 3 / Episode 15: - This Old House Brian Michael Hackett: Well, goodbye, old house. Joe Hackett: Yeah, and just think, we never have to see this place again. [flashback] Mr. Hackett: Boys, come on down and get some dinner! Little Brian: Wow, I like this place a lot better than the old apartment! Mrs. Hackett: You know guys, I think we're going to be happy here for a long time. |
| Season 2 / Episode 21: - Murder She Roast Brian Michael Hackett: It's scary to think that we live in a country where anybody can walk up to a counter and purchase meat. |
| Season 2 / Episode 21: - Murder She Roast Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: If I was going to kill you, I'd never poison you. I'd just tamper with the fuel gauge on the plane and let you sink like a stone somewhere over Nantuckett Sound. Brian Michael Hackett: Faye! Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: I'm only kidding... but I do know how. |
| Season 2 / Episode 11: - A Terminal Christmas Lowell Mather: [singing] I'll be Joan for Christmas... Roy Biggins: Why is it whenever he's around I hear dueling banjos? Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: George used to sing that song to me. Brian Michael Hackett: There's words to that song? I thought it was just banjos. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 5: - There Once Was a Girl from Nantucket Jimmy: I'm just trying to have a couple of laughs with the lady here. Brian Michael Hackett: Well, Cindy is with my brother, Joe, now. She doesn't laugh anymore. |
| Next: Joe Montgomery Hackett |
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