Weeds Quotes

Weeds

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 5 / Episode 6: - A Modest Proposal Celia Hodes: You think it's comfortable for me to work in super-sneakers? Well it's not! But I will suffer for my believes. You know who else did that? Jesus. Doug Wilson: I thought Jesus wore Birkenstocks.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - A Modest Proposal Doug Wilson: We ask ourselves what would Georges Hamilton do. Silas Botwin: What? Why? Doug Wilson: The man slept with his step-mother when he was 12 years old, clearly he can do anything.
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Van Nuys Doug Wilson: Sometimes I actually think I'm slightly retarded in the mouth.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Wonderful Wonderful Doug Wilson: Who? Celia? That c*nt can lick my balls!
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Wonderful Wonderful Andy Botwin: [getting a phone call from Celia's kidnapper] Hello?... Yeah, I know Celia... We're all gonna die. What does that mean anyway? Life is cheap, people die and people have babies... Everyday they're having babies! What's with that? Kidnap her man, I mean, women in their forty's are having babies, doesn't that seem weird to you?... What? No, I'm not gonna pay the randsom... Allo?... Rude.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Wonderful Wonderful Nancy Botwin: [a phone call wakes her up] Hello? Rudolpho: I have your friend. Nancy Botwin: What? Who is this? What friend? Rudolpho: Your friend Celia. I have her and you pay me money or she dies. Nancy Botwin: Celia? Rudolpho: Celia Hodes! I have kidnapped her and today I chop off her ear. Nancy Botwin: How Van Gogh. Rudolpho: What? You send me $40,000 or I'll do it! Nancy Botwin: That's too early for this, we're really not friends. Rudolpho: Okay, $30,000...
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Excellent Treasures Celia Hodes: What's in the hole? Nancy Botwin: Mexico. Celia Hodes: [gasps] Nancy Botwin: You must never go there.
	Season 4 / Episode 3: - The Whole Blah Damn Thing Andy Botwin: Life is just blah, blah, blah. You hope for blah. And sometimes you find it. But mostly it is blah. And waiting for blah. And hoping you are right about the blah's you made and then just when you think you have the whole blah damned thing figured out and you are surrounded by the ones you blah death shows up. And blah blah blah.
	Season 4 / Episode 3: - The Whole Blah Damn Thing Silas Botwin: [while arguing whether or not to mercy-kill Bubby] Yeah, sure. Death is no big deal. Because life is just... blah, blah, blah. Andy Botwin: Look, Silas. Life is just blah, blah, blah. You hope for Blah, and sometimes you find it, but mostly it's blah. And waiting for blah. And hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then, just when you think you've got the whole blah damn thing figured out, and you're surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah, blah, blah. Silas Botwin: [sighs] Alright. Let's do this. Shane Botwin: [to Andy] That was good. Andy Botwin: I have my moments.
	Season 3 / Episode 11: - Cankles Doug Wilson: Don't you bang that gavel at me, you sanctimonious Jesus freak. You know, your long skirt isn't long enough lady. I saw your fat ankles. Calf, right into ankle. Cankles! Ann Carilli: That's it! Citizens: Cankles! Cankles! Ann Carilli: That is it! That is it! This meeting is adjourned. Doug Wilson: Cankle bitch! Man in crowd: Cankle bitch! Doug Wilson: Cankle bitch! Ann Carilli: How dare you? Councilman: Rude and vulgar. Doug Wilson: You too. Man cankles! Mankles!
	Season 3 / Episode 11: - Cankles Celia Hodes: Can we have a word? Doug Wilson: Yeah, sure. How about "Die"?
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - Roy Till Called Doug Wilson: I can't go to prison. There's no sushi in prison. Unless you count dick!
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - He Taught Me How to Drive By Two-Strikes: I remember when he was just a wanna-be. We popped our car jacking cherries together. Nancy Botwin: He taught me how to drive by.
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - Grasshopper U-turn: Thug means never having to say you're sorry.
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - Grasshopper Nancy Botwin: Wash your hands. All I need now is for the boys to eat heroin-eggs for breakfast. Andy Botwin: Right. Cause' then they'd want them every day.
	Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Brick Dance Heylia James: [to U-Turn] Your grandmamma always said you was a bad seed. Now look at you, a full grown shit-weed.
	Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Brick Dance Nancy Botwin: [having just heard from Doug that he was having an affair with Celia] Celia? Doug Wilson: The cock wants what it wants.
	Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Brick Dance Andy Botwin: [steps out of the line] Ah... Sergeant Bilko? Hi, I'm in the wrong place. The promised me a desk j... Sergeant: Who the hell gave you the permission to break rank, you flaccid little dick? Andy Botwin: Yeah, I just want to make sure... Sergeant: They promise everybody a desk job, you useless twat! Andy Botwin: Yeah... I have eight toes... Sergeant: I got four dicks! You better fall back in line before I use one of them to fuck you up the ass with!
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - Doing The Backstroke Bear: Well, fuck me with a dictionary, Kid. Get beat up much?
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Pittsburgh Shane Botwin: If we picture Agrestic as an aeroplane; a grand soaring jet carrying us through the sky. I think you all need to understand, there are motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.
	Season 2 / Episode 7: - Must Find Toes Nancy Botwin: Is he gonna be okay? Dr. Bertner: Is he a dancer, professional athlete or foot model? Nancy Botwin: None of the above. Dr. Bertner: He should lead a normal life. Nancy Botwin: Well, I wouldn't go that far. Dr. Bertner: You know, if you'd brought in the toes, we might have been able to reattach them. Andy Botwin: [on morphine] Must find toes. Nancy Botwin: Oh, Conrad, well - where are the toes? Conrad Shepard: The dog ate 'em. Nancy Botwin: The dog ate 'em. Dr. Bertner: Well that's that. Nancy Botwin: When's he gonna be able to go home? Dr. Bertner: He have insurance? Nancy Botwin: Oh, no. Dr. Bertner: He can go home now.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Crush Girl Love Panic Director: What seems to be the problem? Celia Hodes: The problem is that they don't know how to style my daughter. Why is it that all you gay men hate women SOOOO much? Director: Because we have mothers like you. Director: Okay, you, the hair. Security, the mother. Celia Hodes: I beg your pardon. Director: I want her off my set. Celia Hodes: Control freak. Director: Horror show. Isabelle Hodes: [gleefully] I love show business.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Crush Girl Love Panic Joseph: [to Vaneeta, while serving himself some greens] ...Your hostility hangs thick in the air. What's troubling you? [he passes the greens to Vaneeta] Vaneeta: You, comin' 'round here with your holier-than-thou bullshit! "We don't eat this, we don't do that! [Heylia take the bowl from Joseph] We like our women dressed like fucking bee-keepers!"
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Crush Girl Love Panic Joseph: Your hostility hangs thick in the air. What's troubling you? Vaneeta: You coming round here with your 'holier than thou' bullshit. WE don't eat this, WE don't do that, WE like our women dressed like fucking beekeepers.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Mrs. Botwin's Neighborhood Doug Wilson: Nobody likes your wife. You don't even like her.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Mrs. Botwin's Neighborhood Silas Botwin: Why do you have a home pregnancy test? Nancy Botwin: D-do you want me to kill you?
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Mrs. Botwin's Neighborhood Nancy Botwin: [about Megan being pregnant] How did this happen? Silas Botwin: You don't wanna hear it. Nancy Botwin: Oh, but I really do. Silas Botwin: If I had to bet on it, I'd say it was three weeks ago in my room. Doggy style. When I pulled out the condom was gone. Megan has really strong muscles, must've sucked the thing right off. Nancy Botwin: Ah-ahh. Stop, stop, stop. Silas Botwin: You asked. You want to be the cool Mom. Nancy Botwin: No. No, I don't. There are a million things in this world I want to be. 'Cool Mom,' nowhere on that list. Silas Botwin: [Megan shows her the pregnancy test; positive] Well, I hope Grandma's on that list.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Mrs. Botwin's Neighborhood Celia Hodes: ...If you can't make time for the pressing problems of greater Agrestic... Nancy Botwin: That's exactly it - I can't make time. I've got problems at home.[starts for the door] Celia Hodes: [with a concerned look on her face, Celia follows] Really? Do you wanna' talk about it? Nancy Botwin: I don't wanna' talk about it. i just wanna' go home. Celia Hodes: Ya' know, I tell you about my husband's unemployment, my daughter being the face of America's trans fat...so...tell me what's going on with you? Please? Nancy... Nancy Botwin: [not wanting to hurt her feelings] ...Celia... Celia Hodes: Aren't we friends? Nancy Botwin: I just wanna' go! Celia Hodes: [disappointed] You can't even say it. You don't want to be my friend! Nancy Botwin: [gestures toward Celia] Everything is not about you, Celia! Nancy Botwin: [turns around totally shocked, yells] What the fuck are you doing?? Celia Hodes: [grabbing Nancy's hair again with a desparate look on her face] Be my friend! Nancy Botwin: Oww!! Let go of my fucking hair... Celia Hodes: Be my friend!!! Nancy Botwin: [nearly frantic] Let go of my fucking hairrrr! Celia Hodes: [just as frantic] Be my Goddamned motherfucking friendddd!!!!! Nancy Botwin: Owwww!!![when Celia finally lets go, Nancy quickly gets to the front door] Your insane! Celia Hodes: [lowering her voice as she repeats] Selfish! Selfish! Selfish! Pam: [in the cheeriest voice imaginable] You two are just like sisters!
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - A.K.A The Plant Andy Botwin: Things with wifey slowing down, huh? Doug Wilson: It used to be wild. I mean intense, but how do you ask the woman who makes your kids lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass? [short pause] How Andy, how? Andy Botwin: [cowering] I don't like this game anymore.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - A.K.A The Plant Andy Botwin: [Andy tries to kiss her, she pulls back] Oh I'm sorry, I thought we were hitting it off. Yael Hoffman: We are. Andy Botwin: [Andy tries to kiss her again, she pulls back] Oh, I'm sorry, 'It's too soon since your lover died?' Yael Hoffman: No, I've been with many men. Helps to get over things. Andy Botwin: Good. [Tries to kiss her again, again she withdraws] Am I getting mixed messages here? Yael Hoffman: Look. You're adorable, but I'm not attracted to you. Sorry. Andy Botwin: Are you a chubby chaser or something? Yael Hoffman: No - just I like men. Someone big and strong. Someone who can grow a beard. You're pretty, and I could flip you like a pancake. You ask for permission instead of just slamming me up against a wall and f**king me until I come like a volcano. But - we can still be friends, right?

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