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Doug Wilson Quotes
 | Season 8 / Episode 5: - Red in Tooth and Claw Doug Wilson: Is this real-life? Jill Price-Gray: No. You're dreaming. Now go harder. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 6: - A Modest Proposal Celia Hodes: You think it's comfortable for me to work in super-sneakers? Well it's not! But I will suffer for my believes. You know who else did that? Jesus. Doug Wilson: I thought Jesus wore Birkenstocks. |
| Season 5 / Episode 6: - A Modest Proposal Doug Wilson: We ask ourselves what would Georges Hamilton do. Silas Botwin: What? Why? Doug Wilson: The man slept with his step-mother when he was 12 years old, clearly he can do anything. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 5: - Van Nuys Doug Wilson: Sometimes I actually think I'm slightly retarded in the mouth. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 1: - Wonderful Wonderful Doug Wilson: Who? Celia? That c*nt can lick my balls! |
 | Season 3 / Episode 14: - Protection Doug Wilson: [Celia knocks on the door] Celia! To what do I owe this horror? |
 | Season 3 / Episode 11: - Cankles Doug Wilson: Don't you bang that gavel at me, you sanctimonious Jesus freak. You know, your long skirt isn't long enough lady. I saw your fat ankles. Calf, right into ankle. Cankles! Ann Carilli: That's it! Citizens: Cankles! Cankles! Ann Carilli: That is it! That is it! This meeting is adjourned. Doug Wilson: Cankle bitch! Man in crowd: Cankle bitch! Doug Wilson: Cankle bitch! Ann Carilli: How dare you? Councilman: Rude and vulgar. Doug Wilson: You too. Man cankles! Mankles! |
| Season 3 / Episode 11: - Cankles Celia Hodes: Can we have a word? Doug Wilson: Yeah, sure. How about "Die"? |
 | Season 3 / Episode 10: - Roy Till Called Doug Wilson: I can't go to prison. There's no sushi in prison. Unless you count dick! |
 | Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Brick Dance Nancy Botwin: [having just heard from Doug that he was having an affair with Celia] Celia? Doug Wilson: The cock wants what it wants. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 5: - Mrs. Botwin's Neighborhood Doug Wilson: Nobody likes your wife. You don't even like her. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 4: - A.K.A The Plant Andy Botwin: Things with wifey slowing down, huh? Doug Wilson: It used to be wild. I mean intense, but how do you ask the woman who makes your kids lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass? [short pause] How Andy, how? Andy Botwin: [cowering] I don't like this game anymore. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 10: - The Godmother Andy Botwin: I'm not going to Iraq to fight in some bullshit war about oil money. Doug Wilson: Bullshit war? What about 9/11? Didn't Iran hide the terrorists? Andy Botwin: We're fighting a war in Iraq, Doug, and neither country had anything to do with blowing up the World Trade Center. Doug Wilson: Well, they both have sand. Andy Botwin: Bush invaded a sovereign nation in defiance of the UN. He's a war criminal, and now I'm supposed to be one of his disposable thugs with a fucking target on my head in the middle of the desert, waiting to be blown up by a car bomb rigged by a 12 year old who loved Friend and Metallica until one of our missiles blew up his house, I don't think so! Doug Wilson: Well... whatever. [grabs a key from the drawer and stands up] Look, I've got a lotta' shit to do... Andy Botwin: You name me one thing you have to do that's more important than the corporate takeover of our democracy! Doug Wilson: [holding up the bathroom key] I've gotta' take a shit. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 9: - The Punishment Lighter Doug Wilson: What did they give you? Celia Hodes: Zofran. Doug Wilson: Let me try one. Celia Hodes: No, they're $300 a pill! Doug Wilson: I'll give you 400! Celia Hodes: They don't get you high, it's just for nausea. Doug Wilson: Wow, $300 a pill and no fun? What a gyp. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 8: - The Punishment Light Andy Botwin: Do you think there is rat spit in here? Like plague rat spit. Are we smoking plague? Doug Wilson: No, no, fire beats plague. As soon as we lit it up it was safe, sterilized. |
 | Unknown Episode: Andy Botwin: How can you be so blindly pro-Bush? Doug Wilson: I like his wife Laura... I used to buy weed from her at SMU. |
| Unknown Episode: Doug Wilson: Nance, trust me, a bakery is virtually impossible to run without drug money. |
| Unknown Episode: Doug Wilson: It's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam only you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and shit. |
| Unknown Episode: Doug Wilson: Did you try the Sag Aloo? It's to die for and then be reincarnated and then die for again. |
| Unknown Episode: Doug Wilson: Don't look at me, I'm fucked up on corn bread. |
| Unknown Episode: Doug Wilson: How do you ask the woman that makes your kids' lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass? How, Andy? |
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