Celia Hodes

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Played by:

Elizabeth Perkins
Elizabeth Perkins was born on November 18, 1960, in the borough of Queens, New York, and raised in Vermont. ...

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Celia Hodes Quotes

	Season 5 / Episode 6: - A Modest Proposal Celia Hodes: You think it's comfortable for me to work in super-sneakers? Well it's not! But I will suffer for my believes. You know who else did that? Jesus. Doug Wilson: I thought Jesus wore Birkenstocks.
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Excellent Treasures Celia Hodes: What's in the hole? Nancy Botwin: Mexico. Celia Hodes: [gasps] Nancy Botwin: You must never go there.
	Season 3 / Episode 11: - Cankles Celia Hodes: Can we have a word? Doug Wilson: Yeah, sure. How about "Die"?
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Crush Girl Love Panic Director: What seems to be the problem? Celia Hodes: The problem is that they don't know how to style my daughter. Why is it that all you gay men hate women SOOOO much? Director: Because we have mothers like you. Director: Okay, you, the hair. Security, the mother. Celia Hodes: I beg your pardon. Director: I want her off my set. Celia Hodes: Control freak. Director: Horror show. Isabelle Hodes: [gleefully] I love show business.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Mrs. Botwin's Neighborhood Celia Hodes: ...If you can't make time for the pressing problems of greater Agrestic... Nancy Botwin: That's exactly it - I can't make time. I've got problems at home.[starts for the door] Celia Hodes: [with a concerned look on her face, Celia follows] Really? Do you wanna' talk about it? Nancy Botwin: I don't wanna' talk about it. i just wanna' go home. Celia Hodes: Ya' know, I tell you about my husband's unemployment, my daughter being the face of America's trans fat...so...tell me what's going on with you? Please? Nancy... Nancy Botwin: [not wanting to hurt her feelings] ...Celia... Celia Hodes: Aren't we friends? Nancy Botwin: I just wanna' go! Celia Hodes: [disappointed] You can't even say it. You don't want to be my friend! Nancy Botwin: [gestures toward Celia] Everything is not about you, Celia! Nancy Botwin: [turns around totally shocked, yells] What the fuck are you doing?? Celia Hodes: [grabbing Nancy's hair again with a desparate look on her face] Be my friend! Nancy Botwin: Oww!! Let go of my fucking hair... Celia Hodes: Be my friend!!! Nancy Botwin: [nearly frantic] Let go of my fucking hairrrr! Celia Hodes: [just as frantic] Be my Goddamned motherfucking friendddd!!!!! Nancy Botwin: Owwww!!![when Celia finally lets go, Nancy quickly gets to the front door] Your insane! Celia Hodes: [lowering her voice as she repeats] Selfish! Selfish! Selfish! Pam: [in the cheeriest voice imaginable] You two are just like sisters!
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Last Tango In Agrestic Celia Hodes: [to Isabelle] He bullied me into this... Ricardo: No Ricardo's fault... Celia Hodes: [protesting] I went through Chemo... Older Woman #1: Hah, I went through Chemo... Older Woman #2: Oh, me too... Celia Hodes: Yeah? Well I had radiation. Older Woman #1: I had radiation. Older Woman #2: So did I. Celia Hodes: ...Plus I'm low blood sugar... Older Woman #1: ...Type I Diabetes... Older Woman #2: ...Type 2 for me... Celia Hodes: [frustrated] Oh, fuck you both... Older Woman #1: [gently pats Isabelle on her shoulder] Sweetheart, don't worry... your Mom's gonna' be just fine. Isabelle Hodes: [looks at her] Please! That bitch'll out-live us all. Celia Hodes: I heard that... Isabelle Hodes: Good! [turns to the others and claps her hands twice] Alright, pip, pip! We're here to exercise, not here to stand around. Come on! [runs back to the group, leaving her mother still lying on the ground]
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Cooking With Jesus Lupita: I'm sorry about your car. Celia Hodes: Do you know who hit me? Is she one of your maid friends? What's her name? Lupita: I don't know, we just call each other "maid friend."
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Corn Snake Celia Hodes: So what about "Celia Hodes: It's Time For Change." Pam: And then we show a big clock, and like instead of numbers, there are nickels and dimes and quarters. Get it? "Time for change." Isn't that cute? Celia Hodes: Yeah, that's retarded. Pam: That is not very nice. I have a nephew who's retarded and he has to wear a helmet.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Corn Snake Celia Hodes: No-no-no-no no, no, that's grownup juice, not for you. Isabelle Hodes: When can I have some grownup juice? Celia Hodes: When you have a daughter who drives you to it.
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - The Punishment Lighter Doug Wilson: What did they give you? Celia Hodes: Zofran. Doug Wilson: Let me try one. Celia Hodes: No, they're $300 a pill! Doug Wilson: I'll give you 400! Celia Hodes: They don't get you high, it's just for nausea. Doug Wilson: Wow, $300 a pill and no fun? What a gyp.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Dead In The Nethers Celia Hodes: Who's the hottie? Nancy Botwin: My carpenter, Conrad. Conrad, this is Celia. Celia Hodes: Hello, carpenter. Do you want to see something? [Celia begins to lower her shirt revealing her tattoo] Nancy Botwin: Celia, you have to stop flashing your boobs to the world - Conrad Shepard: Oh, speak when spoken to.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Lude Awakening Celia Hodes: Everyone thinks I've lost my mind. Shane Botwin: Everyone thinks I'm weird. Celia Hodes: Well, I can see how you might give that impression. Shane Botwin: I really don't care what they think. Celia Hodes: Good for you. Let your freak flag fly. Shane Botwin: Really? Celia Hodes: Really. I've recently stopped giving a shit what anyone thinks, and I gotta tell you, I feel great. Shane Botwin: But you have cancer. Celia Hodes: And you have a dead father. Both of us make people really uncomfortable. There's no way around it. So either we can feel all self-concious and pretend that everything's normal, or we can just be our strange selves. Shane Botwin: Thanks, Mrs. Hodes. Celia Hodes: For what? Shane Botwin: For telling me the truth. Celia Hodes: You're welcome. It's a bitch, though, ain't it?
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Lude Awakening Celia Hodes: [about her upcoming mastectomy] I'm really gonna miss my babies. We had some good times together. Nancy Botwin: After reconstructive surgery, you're gonna feel good as new - better! You're gonna have the tits of a nineteen-year-old girl. Celia Hodes: I was thinking of going bigger. Nancy Botwin: Bigger? Celia Hodes: Really big. Like freakshow big. 47-triple-Fs. SO large that other, smaller breasts will want to orbit them.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Lude Awakening Celia Hodes: I was thinking of going bigger. Nancy Botwin: Bigger? Celia Hodes: Really big, like freak show big: 47 triple F's. So large that other smaller breasts will want to orbit them.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Good Shit Lollipop Celia Hodes: [11 year old Isabelle steps on scale] You've been sneaking food. Isabelle Hodes: I haven't. I swear. Celia Hodes: Well, then Congratulations. You must be pregnant.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Good Shit Lollipop Celia Hodes: [after Isabelle replaced Celia's diet pills with Imodium AD because of the whole laxative thing] I'm a little backed up. A lot backed up. I haven't shit in 3 days. I'm like a bloated, African, famine baby... Dean Hodes: Wow, could it be Newton's third law of motion, or lack of motion in your case, illustrated right here in our bathroom? For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Celia Hodes: What are you talking about? Dean Hodes: Karma, baby! Celia Hodes: Fuck you and your Karma. Dean Hodes: Fine, shit on my theory. Oh, but wait - you can't! I guess that makes me right, huh?
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Free Goat Tennis Pro: I think I better get going. Celia Hodes: No, sit your skinny ass down. You're a good listener. Tennis Pro: Thank you. Celia Hodes: Fuck you. How 'bout another round?
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - You Can't Miss The Bear Celia Hodes: [Watching a video of her daughter] I should've had an abortion.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - You Can't Miss The Bear Isabelle Hodes: Did you see my kick? Celia Hodes: Yeah, I wanna see more running out there, Isa-belly, now that's what burns the fat.
	Unknown Episode: Celia Hodes: [watching a video of her daughter flipping her off] I should've had an abortion.
	Unknown Episode: Celia Hodes: Let your freak flag fly.
	Unknown Episode: Nancy Botwin: Foul! Ref, what's the matter with your whistle? Celia Hodes: Well, technically, Nancy, Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates.
	Unknown Episode: Celia Hodes: I followed Dean here, did you see him? Nancy Botwin: Yes, I did, they were playing poker Celia Hodes: Oh, great, now he's going to come home broke, stinking of marijuana. Guess that's better than oriental pussy.
	Unknown Episode: Celia Hodes: When you stop being cute and funny and clean at home and start spending your afternoons with your head buried in the snatch of the tennis pro, yeah, you're a piece of shit.
	Unknown Episode: Tennis Pro: That's why I'll never marry. Celia Hodes: No, you just fuck the married, and then I have to watch it on video.
	Unknown Episode: Tennis Pro: I'm sorry. Celia Hodes: You're a big whore.
	Unknown Episode: Celia Hodes: Here's the thing, I really want to fuck around on Dean but the thought of putting one more cock into my mouth is just too depressing. Nancy Botwin: I'm not sure a vagina would be much of an improvement for you.
	Unknown Episode: Celia Hodes: [holds up a flyer] Here. I'm posting these in the neighborhood. I tell you, I have a good mind to stay in a hotel until they catch that cougar. Though a part of me is hoping it will maul Dean, and I wouldn't want to miss that. Nancy Botwin: "What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly." Are you sure this isn't what to do if you date a mountain lion?
	Unknown Episode: Celia Hodes: Is it true what they say? That once a white woman's been with a carpenter she never goes back? Conrad Shepard: Baby, once I nail something, it stays nailed.

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