Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (UK) - Episode Quotes

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Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (UK) Quotes

	Unknown Episode: Jonny Keogh: Here's Johnny!!
	Season 6 / Episode 9: - Closing Time Jonny: [Explaining that he wants to be his friend] No, Janet explained it all to me. Theres nothing more beautiful than the love between a man and another man. Gaz: No, theres nothing more beautiful than the love between a man, a man, a man, and a very dirty woman.
	Season 6 / Episode 4: - Cauliflower Gaz: [Gaz has asked Donna to marry him and she has refused] Donna listen, I'm gonna make you say "yes" cos I love you, and I know for as long as I live I never want another woman...except on my stag night and on holiday. Or when you're pregnant or ill. Or when the painters are in...or when you're on you're period. That's it.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Mummy Cupboard Donna: [Acting like a bloke] I'll tell yae what yae need! Yae shut yaer chuffin' mooth until yae spoken tae or I'll twat yae into next week!
	Season 5 / Episode 10: - Who's The Daddy? Janet Keogh: How the hell does a baby's head come out of something so small? Jonny Keogh: Small? You think a lot of yourself don't you.
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - Stot Or Pronk Gaz: [after pulling off Donna's fake lips] Donna, Donna, Donna... You knob head.
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Fat Donna: Surely masturbation must burn off a few pounds? Gaz: Well when you broke up with me, I couldn't be bothered. Now I just can't reach.
	Season 4 / Episode 8: - Filthy Brunching Louise: [Giving Janet advice on her sex life] Try doing something Kate never did for him. Janet: Ooh... Well I do have an incredibly flexible twat.
	Unknown Episode: Gaz Wilkinson: Oh Jonny Jonny Jonny. You know what I do when the troubles of the world are on my shoulders? Jonny Keogh: Do you drink them all away Gaz? Is that the answer? Is it? Gaz Wilkinson: Nope, I go on the pull. Come on, I've had no action for a week. Jonny Keogh: Can't we just go round your flat and get pissed? Gaz Wilkinson: No we're going out! Gonna get you a woman, and take your mind off being jobless. Jonny Keogh: I don't want a girlfriend. And I don't wanna go out on the pull.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Bungle Louise: [Talking about her new boyfriend, James] I went up to him and asked "Are you posh?" And he said "Posh-ish" Which is like such a posh thing to say. So I said "I'll have you then"
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - On the Blob Donna: Now, let me think. When did I last see my own clout?
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Spunk Gaz: [In the pub, holding a steak and kidney pie] Who invented the pie? I mean what a genius. 'Cos you've got the subtle flavour of the steak, mixed with the texture of the finest kidney, and all that against the backdrop of the crumbley buttery pastry. If that man was here now I'd shake his hand. Jonny: I'd kiss him. Gaz: You big poof.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Fags, Shags and Kebabs Jonny: [waking up] Rock me Amadeus!
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Fags, Shags and Kebabs Gaz: I am the master of cunning.
	Unknown Episode: Jonny: I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive.
	Unknown Episode: Jonny: I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive.
	Unknown Episode: Jonny: I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive.
	Unknown Episode: Jonny: I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive.
	Unknown Episode: Jonny: I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive.
	Unknown Episode: Jonny: I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive.
	Unknown Episode: Jonny: My daughter will want for nothing. She'll have dollies-a-plenty. And bears but no clowns, they scare me. And on a perfect summer's eve, when the sun dances like... Michael Flatley... after our dinner of spaghetti hoops, we shall run like Billy-ho himself, down to a sea so calm it would make Des Lynam look like a big, scary wolfman. She will be the most cherished little girl in the whole world. My little Ferrari. Janet: Jonny, I'm not pregnant. Jonny: Oh thank fuck for that!
	Unknown Episode: Jonny: My daughter will want for nothing. She'll have dollies-a-plenty. And bears but no clowns, they scare me. And on a perfect summer's eve, when the sun dances like... Michael Flatley... after our dinner of spaghetti hoops, we shall run like Billy-ho himself, down to a sea so calm it would make Des Lynam look like a big, scary wolfman. She will be the most cherished little girl in the whole world. My little Ferrari. Janet: Jonny, I'm not pregnant. Jonny: Oh thank fuck for that!
	Unknown Episode: Jonny: My daughter will want for nothing. She'll have dollies-a-plenty. And bears but no clowns, they scare me. And on a perfect summer's eve, when the sun dances like... Michael Flatley... after our dinner of spaghetti hoops, we shall run like Billy-ho himself, down to a sea so calm it would make Des Lynam look like a big, scary wolfman. She will be the most cherished little girl in the whole world. My little Ferrari. Janet: Jonny, I'm not pregnant. Jonny: Oh thank fuck for that!
	Unknown Episode: Jonny: My daughter will want for nothing. She'll have dollies-a-plenty. And bears but no clowns, they scare me. And on a perfect summer's eve, when the sun dances like... Michael Flatley... after our dinner of spaghetti hoops, we shall run like Billy-ho himself, down to a sea so calm it would make Des Lynam look like a big, scary wolfman. She will be the most cherished little girl in the whole world. My little Ferrari. Janet: Jonny, I'm not pregnant. Jonny: Oh thank fuck for that!
	Unknown Episode: Jonny: My daughter will want for nothing. She'll have dollies-a-plenty. And bears but no clowns, they scare me. And on a perfect summer's eve, when the sun dances like... Michael Flatley... after our dinner of spaghetti hoops, we shall run like Billy-ho himself, down to a sea so calm it would make Des Lynam look like a big, scary wolfman. She will be the most cherished little girl in the whole world. My little Ferrari. Janet: Jonny, I'm not pregnant. Jonny: Oh thank fuck for that!
	Unknown Episode: Jonny: My daughter will want for nothing. She'll have dollies-a-plenty. And bears but no clowns, they scare me. And on a perfect summer's eve, when the sun dances like... Michael Flatley... after our dinner of spaghetti hoops, we shall run like Billy-ho himself, down to a sea so calm it would make Des Lynam look like a big, scary wolfman. She will be the most cherished little girl in the whole world. My little Ferrari. Janet: Jonny, I'm not pregnant. Jonny: Oh thank fuck for that!
	Unknown Episode: Janet: Louise, if you get any bonier you're gonna look like the Jolly Roger.
	Unknown Episode: Janet: Louise, if you get any bonier you're gonna look like the Jolly Roger.
	Unknown Episode: Janet: Louise, if you get any bonier you're gonna look like the Jolly Roger.
	Unknown Episode: Janet: Louise, if you get any bonier you're gonna look like the Jolly Roger.