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 | Season 2 / Episode 6: - The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance Jake Harper: [dinner did not agree with him] That deer didn't have antlers when I ate it, but it's sure coming out that way. |
| Season 2 / Episode 6: - The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance Alan Harper: [tucking Jake in bed and talking, Jake passes gas] The lesson was... Oh... God... Jake! That's *awful*! Jake Harper: Yeah, I wish I could've saved that one for school. |
| Season 2 / Episode 6: - The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance Alan Harper: [Charlie's fixing an Alka Seltzer] You too? Charlie Harper: Yeah. Apparently, Mom wasn't the only parasite at dinner tonight. |
| Season 2 / Episode 6: - The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance Charlie Harper: Twenty-five years ago, I put Silly-Putty in my brothers pants. |
| Season 2 / Episode 6: - The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance Alan Harper: You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you? Jake Harper: It's 1-2-3-4. A monkey could crack that. |
| Season 2 / Episode 6: - The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance Jake Harper: Dad? If Uncle Charlie let you kick him in the nuts, would that make you guys even? |
| Season 2 / Episode 6: - The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance Charlie Harper: Well, remember how you were a bed-wetter 'til you were eight? Alan Harper: Yeah. Charlie Harper: You actually stopped at six. Alan Harper: What? What-what did you do? Did you sneak into my room, and-and-and-and pour warm water on me while I was asleep? Charlie Harper: Yeah, okay. Let's say it was water, and let's say I poured it. Charlie Harper: Well, I feel better. How 'bout you? |
| Season 2 / Episode 6: - The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance Evelyn Harper: So, dear... Jake Harper: What? Evelyn Harper: Do you see anything you like? Jake Harper: I don't know, what's venison? Evelyn Harper: Deer. Jake Harper: What? Evelyn Harper: Deer. Jake Harper: What? Evelyn Harper: Deer. d e e r. Jake Harper: What? w h a t. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 5: - Bad News from the Clinic Charlie Harper: [Alan asks Charlie why he isn't out on a date with his new lady friend] Sherri? I'm playing that slow. Alan Harper: Really? Do you mean at, uh, a leisurely pace, or as if you were developmentally challenged? |
| Season 2 / Episode 5: - Bad News from the Clinic Charlie Harper: [about Jake] Man, that kid guards his plate like a one-armed inmate, doesn't he? |
| Season 2 / Episode 5: - Bad News from the Clinic Rose: Let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered. She's promiscuous, she's commitment phobic... Charlie Harper: Oh my God! I'm dating myself... No wonder the sex is so good. |
| Season 2 / Episode 5: - Bad News from the Clinic Alan Harper: [fighting over homework] Why can't you just learn it now? Jake Harper: Because there's only so much space in my brain, that if you put Magellen in there, I might forget my locker combination. |
| Season 2 / Episode 5: - Bad News from the Clinic Alan Harper: [Charlie plans to break up with Sherry] Why? Charlie Harper: Because she's a self-centered, manipulative, narcissist. Alan Harper: So are you. Charlie Harper: Hello? |
| Season 2 / Episode 5: - Bad News from the Clinic Berta: Alan. Got a riddle for you. What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on the weekends? I'll give you a hint; it's your kid. |
| Season 2 / Episode 5: - Bad News from the Clinic Berta: How in the hell do you meditate when someone's squirtin' water up your business? |
| Season 2 / Episode 5: - Bad News from the Clinic Alan Harper: Look, if you feel so strongly about this girl, why don't you just call her? Charlie Harper: Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also Fed-Ex her my testicles in a little silk bag. |
| Season 2 / Episode 5: - Bad News from the Clinic Rose: I've been riddled with glauckenstucken ever since. Charlie: Glaucken what? Rose: Glauckenstucken! It means feeling guilty for having felt schadenfreud. Charlie: They have a word for that? Rose: Well, not yet, but I'm hoping glauckenstucken catches on! |
 | Season 2 / Episode 4: - Go Get Mommy's Bra Evelyn Harper: Now go get mommy's bra. [Charlie rises and pulls her bra from his pocket; pause] Oh darling, that's just sick. [takes the bra start to walk away; then turns around] Seek help. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 3: - A Bag Full of Jawea Alan Harper: [at Jake's school] I don't know what he did, Charlie, the teacher just called, and told me to come get him. Charlie Harper: Well I want it on the record, if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleechers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me. Charlie Harper: [Alan burns Charlie a 'look'] What! I said he didn't! |
| Season 2 / Episode 3: - A Bag Full of Jawea Judith Harper: [to Alan] Your son gave his teacher the "bird". Charlie Harper: Okay, I want it on the record he didn't necessarily... |
| Season 2 / Episode 3: - A Bag Full of Jawea Jake Harper: [just caught his teacher in the kitchen half dressed with Uncle Charlie] Oh, this is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the Mall. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 2: - Enjoy Those Garlic Balls Dr. Melnick: [Alan is returning the "The Harpers" welcome mat that he stole the night before] So you came over unannounced, to apologize for coming over unannounced? Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that. |
| Season 2 / Episode 2: - Enjoy Those Garlic Balls Charlie Harper: [sees Alan writing a check] Hmm. Tequila. Checkbook. Sourpuss. Must be alimony time! |
| Season 2 / Episode 2: - Enjoy Those Garlic Balls Charlie Harper: So where's Jake? Alan: Sleeping at a friend's. He'll get dropped off tomorrow. Charlie Harper: Oh, man! I rented a movie I thought he'd like. Alan: Oh, what'd you get? Charlie Harper: Don't worry. It's educational. Alan: [gives Alan the DVD] "One Million Years B.C."? How - how is this educational? Charlie Harper: Raquel Welch running from dinosaurs in a fur bikini? What is that, if not history? |
| Season 2 / Episode 2: - Enjoy Those Garlic Balls Alan: So, you ever been married? Dr. Melnick: My wife passed away. Alan: Oh, oh, I'm - I'm sorry. Alan: [pause] No alimony, though. You gotta love that! |
| Season 2 / Episode 2: - Enjoy Those Garlic Balls Berta: [about Charlie] Was he breastfed? Evelyn Harper: Of course he was. Not by me, personally. |
| Season 2 / Episode 2: - Enjoy Those Garlic Balls Charlie Harper: Hey. Did you know that Mom's birthday was a couple of weeks ago? Alan: Yeah. I sent her some flowers and a card. Charlie Harper: Ah, man! Would it have killed you to put my name on the card? Alan: As a matter of fact I did put your name on it. I - I wrote "Love, your sons, Alan and Charlie". Charlie Harper: Damn. Alan: What? Charlie Harper: She tricked me into thinking I forgot. |
| Season 2 / Episode 2: - Enjoy Those Garlic Balls Alan: Show me the better! |
| Season 2 / Episode 2: - Enjoy Those Garlic Balls Charlie Harper: [Charlie sees the size of Alan's alimony payment] Boy! You'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 1: - Back Off Mary Poppins Elvis Costello: You know, Sean never speaks about his siblings. Sean Penn: Back off, Mary Poppins! You're workin' on my last nerve. |
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