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 | Season 2 / Episode 15: - Smell the Umbrella Stand Judith Harper: [to Alan, who doesn't believe Jake is sick] I'm not buying it. I'll be back to get him Monday night, and if I find out you went ahead and took him to Vegas, you'll be getting a colonoscopy from my attorney! Charlie Harper: [to Alan] I've seen your alimony checks; you already got one. |
| Season 2 / Episode 15: - Smell the Umbrella Stand Charlie Harper: [to Alan] I think, if she wanted to keep you on a leash like a neutered poodle, she shouldn't have divorced you. |
| Season 2 / Episode 15: - Smell the Umbrella Stand Charlie Harper: What profit a man, if he escapes the iron shackles of matrimony, only to surrender to the sexually-frustrated tyranny of a vengeful ex-wife. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 14: - Those Big Pink Things with Coconut Judith Harper: [to Alan, who was trying to pretend he wasn't home] Why were you hiding? Charlie Harper: Why does the wounded gazelle hide from the stealthy jaguar? Why does the helpless piglet hide from the ravenous wolverine? |
| Season 2 / Episode 14: - Those Big Pink Things with Coconut Evelyn Harper: I see! So you're *both* turning against me! Charlie Harper: No, I turned a looong time ago. Alan's just catching up. |
| Season 2 / Episode 14: - Those Big Pink Things with Coconut Charlie Harper: [about their Mom] You can't show weakness, Alan, she'll sense it. Like the hooded cobra senses the rapid heartbeat of a panic-stricken kangaroo rat. Alan Harper: But don't you feel, even a little bit sorry for her? Charlie Harper: Does the mongoose feel sorry for the wounded garden snake? Does the dingo feel sorry for the slow-crawling Australian baby? |
| Season 2 / Episode 14: - Those Big Pink Things with Coconut Evelyn Harper: [Evelyn's in the hospital faking heart trouble, Charlie repeatedly pulls a heart monitor plug in and out] Charlie, what in God's name are you doing? Charlie Harper: Just practicing. |
| Season 2 / Episode 14: - Those Big Pink Things with Coconut Charlie Harper: Wow. Texas used to be a separate country. Why did we change that? |
 | Season 2 / Episode 12: - A Lungful of Alan Charlie: [making a deal with Alan while standing at a urinal] Want to shake on it? |
| Season 2 / Episode 12: - A Lungful of Alan Jamie Eckleberry: Alan? Alan Harper: Jamie! Charlie: Woof! |
 | Season 2 / Episode 10: - The Salmon Under My Sweater Jake: [Charlie has been hired to write the theme song for the "Oshikuru" cartoon] So, I'll be like, the first kid in the world to hear this? Charlie: Yep. Now, this is just a rough version, but you get an idea of the feel of it. Jake: Okay! Charlie: [begins to play piano, and sing] "Oh - Oh - Oh - Oh, Oshikuru, Oh - Oh - Oh - Oh, Oshikuru, My oh my he's a, demon samurai. Who's the guy who had to die"... Jake: Boy... that really blows. |
| Season 2 / Episode 10: - The Salmon Under My Sweater Alan Harper: But the truth is, you and I see each other every day, and we really don't know much about each other. Berta: So you want to know what goes on underneath this gruff exterior; whether somewhere inside me, there's a tiny little girl who once dreamed of being a famous ballerina? Alan Harper: Is there? Berta: If there is, it's because I accidentally ate one, and haven't passed her yet... Let me tell you, I am dreading that tiara. |
| Season 2 / Episode 10: - The Salmon Under My Sweater Rose: So, Alan. Tell me about yourself. Alan Harper: What would you like to know ? Rose: Everything. I really don't know that much about you, aside fromt he fact that you're Charlie's brother and Jake's dad. Graduated from Cal State Long Beach, married your college sweet heart, and sometimes in the middle of the night when you're half asleep you pee sitting down. Alan Harper: Have you been spying on me? Rose: No, silly. I spy on Charlie. You just get in the way sometimes. Alan Harper: You know what? Why don't you tell me about you? Rose: Well, okay. Well, let's see. I, too, pee sitting down, so we have that in common. I come from a wealthy family, so, I guess I've had kind of a sheltered life. You know, fancy private schools and colleges. Alan Harper: No kidding. What college did you go to? Rose: Princeton. But just for two years. Alan Harper: Oh. So, you dropped out. Rose: No, I finished. Then I came back to California to do my masters at Stanford. Alan Harper: That's amazing. What's your degree in? Rose: Behavioural psychology. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 8: - Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers Charlie Harper: Jake, wake up. Charlie Harper: [Jake is still asleep] Well, I tried. |
| Season 2 / Episode 8: - Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers Alan: Hey. How do I look? Charlie: [not looking] Incredible. All men want to be you, all women want to be with you. Alan: Can you at least look at me before you answer? Charlie: [looks] I stand corrected. All men want to be with you... |
| Season 2 / Episode 8: - Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers Berta: Well, gadzooks! Zippy's getting his freak on. Charlie Harper: Yeh, it seems we're living in an age of miracles. Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother. Who's the girl ? Charlie Harper: I don't know. He met her at the supermarket. Helped her pick out corn. Berta: Corn ? Berta: Huh. Well, I'm not in any position to judge. I once did a guy for a tank of gas. |
| Season 2 / Episode 8: - Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers Alan: [Charlie is working out; Alan drinks from Charlie's water bottle] What the hell is this? Charlie: Bourbon. Alan: You drink Bourbon while you work out? Charlie: Gin makes me sweat. |
| Season 2 / Episode 8: - Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers Charlie: Mom! Thank God, you're here! Evelyn Harper: Oh, I don't need your sarcasm, Charlie. |
| Season 2 / Episode 8: - Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers Evelyn Harper: [Alan puts his hand up to protect himself from another slap on the head] I'm not going to hit you, darling. Evelyn Harper: [Alan lower his hand] Charlie! |
| Season 2 / Episode 8: - Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers Alan: [giddy with excitement] Charlie, I have never had sex like this before in my *life*! In fact, I-I-I don't think anything I had prior to this can even be called "sex". Because if we call that "sex", we need a new name for this. My suggestion would be, "Hootin'-Annie Yum-Yum". |
| Season 2 / Episode 8: - Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers Jake Harper: Can I watch TV? Charlie: I don't see why not. You've got eyes and a butt. |
| Season 2 / Episode 8: - Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers Evelyn Harper: [to Alan] Ohhh, my randy little nin-com-poop. Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty, debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have... well, many more step fathers than you already have. |
| Season 2 / Episode 8: - Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers Charlie Harper: She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 7: - A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana Alan Harper: [after ignoring their Mother's phone call] I, I - I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom. Charlie Harper: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail. |
| Season 2 / Episode 7: - A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana Berta: Relatives, huh. Can't live with them; can't turn them in for the reward. |
| Season 2 / Episode 7: - A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana Evelyn Harper: Why does anyone want a party? To feel superior while feigning humility! |
| Season 2 / Episode 7: - A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana Evelyn Harper: Believe it or not, Alan, your mother is a very sensitive woman and I can feel when people around me know that I hate them. |
| Season 2 / Episode 7: - A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana Charlie Harper: Daisy? Can I talk to you for a minute? Daisy Ray: Daisy is no longer inhabiting this earthly vessel. Charlie Harper: Excuse me? Daisy Ray: I am Oxyquatzal, warrior priestess of the Aztec people. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 6: - The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance Charlie Harper: [Charlie's locks himself in the bathroom] There is no Bad Alan. I'm the one who stole the Silly-Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Alan Harper: [starts pounding on the door, shouting] *Damn you to hell! Come out here and die like a man!* Charlie Harper: What do ya know? There is a Bad Alan. |
| Season 2 / Episode 6: - The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance Evelyn Harper: [Alan is furious with Charlie] How are my boys doing this evening? Evelyn Harper: [no response] Burrrr... Well, I think Mommy has the answer. Alan, if you find it intolerable, living under the same roof with the brother who betrayed you, then you and Jake can come and live with me. Alan Harper: [thinks it over, turns to Charlie, shaking his hand] We're good. |
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