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 | Season 2 / Episode 21: - A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On Evelyn Harper: I'm going to need something black. Charlie Harper: Doesn't your soul qualify? |
 | Season 2 / Episode 20: - I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey Charlie: [to Alan] *Don't* talk about my penis, you have *not* earned the right! |
| Season 2 / Episode 20: - I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey Jake: [out of the blue] You know, if you guys were queer, we would be what they call an "alternated family". |
| Season 2 / Episode 20: - I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey Rose: [Rose suggests therapy for Alan and Charlie] Well, I could refer you to the woman I talk to, but she doesn't exist. |
| Season 2 / Episode 20: - I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey Charlie: You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while. Alan: We don't know that. |
| Season 2 / Episode 20: - I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey Charlie: You smile and tell everybody what they want to hear, but I *know* what goes on inside your grinning little puppet-head! Alan: You don't have a *clue* what's going on inside my little puppet-head, because to *know* that, you would have to be capable of perceiving the world that exists beyond the tip of your *penis*! |
| Season 2 / Episode 20: - I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey Charlie: Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whore-house. Alan: Excuse me? Charlie: You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed... and you don't want to pay for it! |
 | Season 2 / Episode 19: - A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise Alan: When you're with a woman like Sherri, who's sooo gosh darn beautiful that you get excited just thinking about her... how do you... keep the sprinklers from going off while you're still mowing? |
| Season 2 / Episode 19: - A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise Alan: If I ever had a - a woman like that, I - I would cherish her, I would worship her, I would start a small country and put her face on a stamp so I could lick the back of her head. |
| Season 2 / Episode 19: - A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise Alan: What does marriage have to do with sex? |
 | Season 2 / Episode 18: - It Was Mame, Mom Evelyn Harper: It doesn't matter, darling. You're here, you're queer. I'm used to it. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 17: - Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam! Charlie Harper: [Charlie's in great pain after throwing his back out, and initially asks Alan to help him] New plan. I need someone who can give me drugs. Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a couple calls. Alan Harper: Drugs just mask the problem. Charlie Harper: Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it, let it fight crime... I just want it to go away! |
| Season 2 / Episode 17: - Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam! Alan Harper: [Charlie is injured and is only thinking about nailing his hot doctor] You're unbelievable! Does you penis have an off switch... pause button? Charlie Harper: No. Just a little freckle. |
| Season 2 / Episode 17: - Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam! Charlie Harper: You know the difference between you and me? Alan Harper: Yeah. I have a functioning liver, and somehow you're gonna get laid tonight. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 16: - Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? Alan Harper: [shouting on the phone] Do you just get up in the morning, and figure out ways to make me crazy? Is that what you do? You-you plot it out? "How can I make Alan miserable today? How can I reach into his chest, *rip* out his heart, and suck it dry?" Charlie Harper: Mom, or ex-wife? Alan Harper: [hand over phone] Ex-wife. Charlie Harper: Hi Judith! Alan Harper: Charlie says "Hello". Alan Harper: She says "Hi". [shouting again] You're evil and selfish! You know that?... No... no, no, I - I think that *is* a helpful comment! I pay you alimony, and child support, so that you can a nice house, a nice car, aaand every weekend free, because I've got Jake, and yet... you're telling me that *you* need a *vacation*!... Oh really?... Oh really. And what, exactly, is stressing you out, Judith? It is the weekly manicure? The housekeeper? Charlie Harper: The boob lift. Alan Harper: [phone] The boob lift? Charlie Harper: That you paid for. Alan Harper: [phone] That I paid for! Charlie Harper: And never got to see. Alan Harper: [phone] And never got to see!... No, no, no. You listen to me. I think you lead a damn fine life-style, that I work sixty hours a week to support. So if anybody needs a vacation, it's not you, it's me!... Alright then!... Good-bye. Alan Harper: [to Charlie] Uhm, Judith's going to Hawaii for a week... so Jake's staying here. Charlie Harper: [sarcastically] I'm shocked. |
| Season 2 / Episode 16: - Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? Jake Harper: [left standing in the rain after soccer practice] I can't believe you forget me! Alan Harper: I said I'm sorry. Jake Harper: You forgot me! Alan Harper: I know. I feel terrible. Jake Harper: How many kids you got!... Alan Harper: [after asking if he can make up for it by going out for a special dinner] How 'bout a movie? Jake Harper: Why? You gonna leave me the there too! |
| Season 2 / Episode 16: - Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? Alan Harper: Please, I really need your help. Charlie Harper: Then you're headed for disappointment. |
| Season 2 / Episode 16: - Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? Charlie Harper: [to Jake, after smoothing his hair down with spit] One man's saliva is another man's mousse, so shut up! |
| Season 2 / Episode 16: - Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? Alan Harper: You know *why* I was being audited? Not because I have unsubstantiated deductions, which I have. Not because I take the occasional cash payment from a client, and forget to report it, which I do. It was because *no* *one* at the IRS could *believe* I was paying as much *alimony* as I claimed. It took me three hours to convince them that, yes, I am that big a shmuck. |
| Season 2 / Episode 16: - Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? Berta: I'm going home. Charlie Harper: I suppose you want me to pay you. Berta: Not necessary. I took the money out of your wallet. Charlie Harper: Fine Berta: Guess what! I got a raise. Charlie Harper: Congratulations. Berta: You want to know why I got a raise? Charlie Harper: No. I'm sure I had my reasons. Berta: Because, when I took this job, all I had to do was clean up after you. And while that may have been disgusting, it was do-able. And then your brother moved in, which I accepted with my usual good humor. Because he cleans up after himself like a... neurotic raccoon. Charlie Harper: This is about the kid, right? Berta: Good for you! That's why you're the boss. Charlie Harper: He's just here for a week. It's a temporary situation. Berta: And yet my raise is permanent. |
| Season 2 / Episode 16: - Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? Berta: [to Alan and Charlie] Show of hands... Who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a get-away car? |
| Season 2 / Episode 16: - Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? Berta: [to Alan and Charlie] Now if you ladies will excuse me, I have three busses to catch. Charlie Harper: [as soon as Berta leaves] I'll bet she catches 'em by hand. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 15: - Smell the Umbrella Stand Charlie Harper: [about Alan's upcoming colonoscopy] But I hear there's nothing to worry about, it's a tiny little camera. Count your blessings. In the old days, they'd send a sketch-artist up there. |
| Season 2 / Episode 15: - Smell the Umbrella Stand Alan Harper: [taken aback by Charlie's critique of his loud shirt he wants to wear to Las Vegas] Sh-Should I change? Charlie Harper: Ah... You should, but after all these years, I doubt you will. |
| Season 2 / Episode 15: - Smell the Umbrella Stand Jake Harper: [raining outside] Well, this is going to be a sucky weekend. Charlie Harper: Try spending it with an eleven-year-old who does nothing but complain. Jake Harper: You mean me? Charlie Harper: No wonder they gotta write your name in your underwear. |
| Season 2 / Episode 15: - Smell the Umbrella Stand Charlie Harper: I've got two grand in my pocket that's itchin' to turn into twelve bucks and a hangover. |
| Season 2 / Episode 15: - Smell the Umbrella Stand Charlie Harper: [making a hotel reservation] Okay, we are gonna need two rooms; one for Alan Harper and son, and one for Charlie Harper and a cocktail waitress to be named later. |
| Season 2 / Episode 15: - Smell the Umbrella Stand Jake Harper: [curious about his father's upcoming colonoscopy] Why do they have to do it? Charlie Harper: They just want to see what's going on up there. Jake Harper: Did Dad *loose* something? 'Cause when I swallowed thirty-five cents, we just waited for it to come out. Charlie Harper: No kiddin'. Jake Harper: Yeah, but I only got thirty cents back. Charlie Harper: Well, the house always takes a cut. |
| Season 2 / Episode 15: - Smell the Umbrella Stand Alan Harper: Do you really want to drive five hours through the desert with a puking kid in the back of your new Mercedes? Charlie Harper: He can stick his head out the window, and let the guy behind us worry about it! |
| Season 2 / Episode 15: - Smell the Umbrella Stand Alan Harper: [discussing Alan's colonoscopy] So, I'm really nervous about it. Judith Harper: [irritated] That's it? Alan Harper: Well, it's a long snakey thing with a camera! Judith Harper: Oh, please. Your son was ten pounds at birth, and his head was the same size it is now. |
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