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 | Season 3 / Episode 4: - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Jake Harper: Did you know your body doesn't digest corn? It goes out the same way it comes in. It's like a little book-mark in your poop. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Alan Harper: [going apartment-hunting] Do you mind looking after Jake? Charlie Harper: If it'll help get you out of here, I'll breast feed him! |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Charlie Harper: Jake you wanna go down to the arcade? Jake Harper: No Charlie Harper: You wanna see a movie? I'll take you to something R rated, you'll see a boob Jake Harper: Go away Charlie Harper: Are you mad at me? Jake Harper: What was your first clue? Charlie Harper: Well frankly, your... dismissive attitude toward boobs... Jake Harper: Why are you making us move? Charlie Harper: I'm not, your father and I are trying to teach each other a lesson Jake Harper: What's your lesson? Charlie Harper: That this is my house Jake Harper: What's his lesson? Charlie Harper: That he lives here too Jake Harper: I'm just a kid but even to me that sounds stupid Charlie Harper: You wanna see a movie? Jake Harper: Is the boob offer still open? |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Alan Harper: I'd rather be a second-class citizen here in paradise, than king of a urine-soaked, fire-trap next to Burbank Airport! |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Alan Harper: [about his apartment-hunting finds] Oh Charlie, you have no idea how bad it was! I mean, I - I couldn't bring a woman to one of these places! The only way I'd ever have sex was if I were molested by a rat! |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Jake Harper: You know. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 2: - Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover Alan Harper: The office opens at 8:00. Charlie Harper: [shocked] O'clock? Alan Harper: [sarcastically] No, degrees. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover Mr. Malinkovich: Doc, how many more adjustments do you think I'm gonna need? Alan Harper: Well, Mr Malinkovich, uhm, let's see. My son won't graduate college 'til 2015, so... a lot. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover Alan Harper: [mad at Charlie for not answering his phone when Alan was calling with a problem] I just have to accept the fact that I - I can't count on anyone. Least of all an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum, and only *cares* about what lies between the two. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover Berta: [about Charlie] You gotta wonder how long he can keep burning that penis at both ends. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover Berta: [large chested, scary housekeeper, sternly talks to Jake] So. You like making fun of girls with big boobs. Jake Harper: [looking pale] Not any more. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover Charlie Harper: ["babysitting" Alan's office for a few hours] Don't worry about a thing. It's under control. You can count on me. Alan Harper: Oh, if I could believe even one of those things. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover Alan Harper: There is no one more sympathetic that I, to the plight of the large-breasted woman! |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover Mrs. Schmidt: What the hell is wrong with you? Alan Harper: I don't know... Alan Harper: I was a bottle baby. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover Mrs. Schmidt: Hey, bottle baby, I'm up here! |
 | Season 3 / Episode 1: - Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts Charlie Harper: [tired of arguing with Jake] This conversation's over. Jake Harper: Not if I keep talking. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 24: - Does This Smell Funny to You? Alan Harper: [opens the front door to find Evelyn cavorting with "Uncle Norman", and blocks Jake from entering] We can't go in there right now. Jake Harper: [eager to use the bathroom] Come on, why not? Alan Harper: [bluntly] Because I can't afford to send you to *therapy* for the rest of your life. |
| Season 2 / Episode 24: - Does This Smell Funny to You? Alan Harper: Norman, this is Berta. Norman: Hello. Berta: What is this, a fix-up? Alan Harper: No, uh, nothing like that. Berta: That's good, because I'd probably kill him. [to Norman] Nothing personal cottontop, I just kinda like it rough. Alan Harper: [to Norman] Have another cookie. Berta: So is anyone gonna tell me what's going on? Alan Harper: Well, it's a little complicated. Charlie - [Berta cuts him off] Berta: Got it. |
| Season 2 / Episode 24: - Does This Smell Funny to You? Berta: You got a gun? Norman: No! Berta: Want one? Alan Harper: Berta! Berta: I'm making small talk. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 23: - Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab Charlie Harper: [about Jake] You realize, that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime? Alan Harper: He broke her. Charlie Harper: He chewed her up and spit her out. Alan Harper: It was a beautiful thing. |
| Season 2 / Episode 23: - Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab Charlie Harper: Clearly he is the chosen one... Alan Harper: [speaking in awe] And they shall call him, "Jake." |
| Season 2 / Episode 23: - Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab Kimberly: [takes a drink] I was raised by my Grandma. I called her "Nana". Charlie Harper: Is that so? Kimberly: [takes a drink] Yeah. I was raised by my Grandma. I called her "Nana". Charlie Harper: Uh huh. Kimberly: [takes a drink] Oh yeah, she was a big influence on me. She raised me. I called her, "Nana". Charlie Harper: Oh Jake... What have we done to you? |
| Season 2 / Episode 23: - Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab Evelyn Harper: Excuse me. I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two. Charlie Harper: Really? The teen-age drinking, and constant running away wasn't a slight tip-off? |
| Season 2 / Episode 23: - Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab Jake Harper: [just learned that he has to spend the night at Evelyn's] What did I ever do to you? Alan Harper: It's - it's not a punishment. Jake Harper: It's not a prize! I'm calling Mom! Alan Harper: No, no, no. No calling Mom. Jake Harper: I know my rights. I get one phone call. |
| Season 2 / Episode 23: - Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab Charlie Harper: Give your Dad a break. So he lied. You don't get the virgin to the volcano by telling her you're gonna push her in! |
 | Season 2 / Episode 22: - That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother Alan Harper: [to Trudy after Evelyn calls to cancel her double date] Uh, apparently, uh, your - your father mixed up his heart pills with his Viagra, and they - didn't wanna - waste the opportunity. |
| Season 2 / Episode 22: - That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother Charlie: A clueless woman is a happy woman. |
| Season 2 / Episode 22: - That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother Trudy: Remind me to get some clean urine from you before we go. |
| Season 2 / Episode 22: - That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother Charlie: [on the phone with Alan, who is trying to ditch his drunk blind date]... Alan, Alan, calm down, calm down! Listen to me. Here's what you do. Take her to a crowded club, pin a warning note on her back as a courtesy to the next guy, and run like hell!... Well if you don't want my advice, why'd you call me? |
| Season 2 / Episode 22: - That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother Alan Harper: It's not a chick car! |
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