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 | Season 3 / Episode 11: - Santa's Village of the Damned Sandy: I find just a couple of drops of lemon juice on the dryer sheet really freshens up the whole load. Berta: Really? I find just a couple of Valiums in my coffee keeps me from snapping necks. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 9: - Madame and Her Special Friend Alan: Jake, are you praying? Jake Harper: It's OK, I'm not in school. |
| Season 3 / Episode 9: - Madame and Her Special Friend Charlie: Are you going home? Berta: No, the opera, they can't finish until I sing. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 8: - That Voodoo That I Do Do Alan Harper: [about Charlie] The man's got a heat-seeking missile in his pants. |
| Season 3 / Episode 8: - That Voodoo That I Do Do Alan Harper: [about Charlie] Why - why do you enable his bahavior? Berta: Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit, that made this country great! He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". And if the day should come, when any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there, and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well... I don't want to live in that America! Berta: [starts singing as she leaves the kitchen] "Oh beautiful, for spacious skys, for amber waves of grain... " |
 | Season 3 / Episode 7: - Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop Charlie Harper: [to Alan, the morning after getting drunk and sleeping with Rose] What I have to do now, is find my passport and head for the border. What you have to do is tell Rose that - that - that I was drunk, and I'm sorry, and that there's no reason to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh... again. |
| Season 3 / Episode 7: - Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop Alan Harper: [to Rose's father] You'll have to forgive my brother. He thinks with his penis, and his penis isn't very bright. |
| Season 3 / Episode 7: - Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop Evelyn Harper: I think God gives us children so death won't come as *such* a disappointment. |
| Season 3 / Episode 7: - Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop Jake Harper: Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiver, not an idiot. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 6: - Hi, Mr. Horned One Charlie: [noticing he's the only male guest, at Isabella's party] So where are all the guys? How come I'm the only weenie in this pot of beans? |
| Season 3 / Episode 6: - Hi, Mr. Horned One Isabella: You know, people like you have been persecuting people like me for thousands of years. Alan Harper: Hmm. Well, that's a bit hard to believe seeing as people like me have historically been victims and food. |
| Season 3 / Episode 6: - Hi, Mr. Horned One Alan Harper: [to Berta, as Isabella walks out] What are you doing? Berta: [hastily putting on jacket] Leaving! Alan Harper: Why? Berta: Did you see that bitch? You've got to put a whole lot of gone between you and a broad like that! |
| Season 3 / Episode 6: - Hi, Mr. Horned One Alan Harper: [handing the telephone to Charlie] Mom wants to ask you something. Charlie: [taking the telephone, cheerfully says] Hi, Mom, *no*! |
| Season 3 / Episode 6: - Hi, Mr. Horned One Charlie: Secret elixir, huh? Well, I'm usually more of a bourbon guy but when push comes to shove I don't know what the hell's in that either. |
| Season 3 / Episode 6: - Hi, Mr. Horned One Berta: [to Alan about his inflamed eye] Looks like you got bit in the face by one of them ebola monkeys!... I mean, you weren't exactly eye-candy going in, but now... Wuff! You could scare the flys off a manure truck. |
| Season 3 / Episode 6: - Hi, Mr. Horned One Berta: Hey Vampira. Tell Count Humpula to get out of bed so I can change his sheets. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 5: - We Called It Mr. Pinky Charlie: Congratulations, Alan... your son is officially pastry-whipped. |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - We Called It Mr. Pinky Rose: When your psyche gets iffy, you can't get a stiffy. |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - We Called It Mr. Pinky Charlie: [about Jake] Well how about that? The booger-eater grasped the symbolism! |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - We Called It Mr. Pinky Rose: Mr. Pee-pee? Charlie: Yeah it what my mother used to... never mind. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 4: - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Alan Harper: Incredible! I've been living here for two years and you still consider me a house-guest? Charlie Harper: No, my house guests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me. Alan Harper: Oh sorry, I'll pop a bottle of Chardonnay and assume the position Charlie Harper: Don't write cheques your ass can't cash Alan |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Berta: Trust me. You want me to have a room with a private crapper. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Charlie Harper: [slowly making his way down the steps] Never again! Never, ever, ever again! Berta: You gonna quit drinking? Charlie Harper: Don't be ridiculous! I'm gonna quit waking up. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Charlie Harper: Don't be silly. You're like family! Berta: Yeah, well I've seen how you treat family. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Alan Harper: She needed a place to stay for a couple of days. What would you have said? Charlie Harper: I would have sat her down and explained my sincere belief that there are boundaries between employer and employee, which exist specifically to protect said employer from accidentally seeing the employee prancing around in her big cotton granny panties! |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Alan Harper: Are you equating me with termites? Charlie Harper: Hell no! You can get rid of termites! |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Alan Harper: You know what the pecking order is in this house? Charlie - Women Charlie sleeps with - Charlie's bookie - Woman Charlie hopes to sleep with - termites - *me*! |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Berta: [to Alan] It's a shame. You paid all that money for an ex-wife, and an ex-wife's house... and you're not allowed inside either one. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Berta: Well, I spend most of my days looking at dirty toilets, and those Rorschach tests you call bed sheets. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs Jake Harper: Did you know your body doesn't digest corn? It goes out the same way it comes in. It's like a little book-mark in your poop. |
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