Two and a Half Men Quotes

Two and a Half Men

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

Two and a Half Men Quotes

	Season 7 / Episode 2: - Whipped Unto the Third Generation Alan: The problem is the women have established a beachhead. [Charlie chuckles loudly] Alan: What? Charlie: Nothing, nothing. You just reminded me of why I bought a house in Malibu.
	Season 7 / Episode 2: - Whipped Unto the Third Generation Chelsea: We need to find somebody for Sir Lancelot. Charlie: Your cat? Chelsea: Yeah. Doesn't he deserve some happiness? Charlie: He can lick his own crotch. What else does he need?
	Season 7 / Episode 2: - Whipped Unto the Third Generation Evelyn: [On the answering machine] Hello Charlie. It's your mother. Remember me? The woman who carried you in her womb for roughly seven-and-a-half months? Anyway, I'd say call me, but what's the point? I've long since given up expecting any kind of consideration or... [machine cuts her off] Chelsea: Seven-and-a-half months? Charlie: She always said if God had intended us to give up our figures, he wouldn't have invented C-sections and incubators.
	Season 6 / Episode 24: - Baseball with Better Steroids Charlie Harper: Alan, hit your kid for me. Alan Harper: Do we really want to risk more brain damage? Jake Harper: Thanks for sticking up for me, dad.
	Season 6 / Episode 24: - Baseball with Better Steroids Charlie Harper: Jake's in the bathroom. He's either finishing breakfast or starting lunch. Herb: Well, he's a growing boy. Charlie Harper: He's a growing pain in my ass. Alan Harper: He says that with love. Charlie Harper: No, I say it with a dull, throbbing pain in my ass.
	Season 6 / Episode 24: - Baseball with Better Steroids Jake Harper: What's your movie idea? Alan Harper: It's about a man who finds himself in a crossroads in his life. Jake Harper: You know what I think of that movie? Boring! Rated G... A-Y.
	Season 6 / Episode 24: - Baseball with Better Steroids Charlie Harper: What have they got you on? Herb: All the good stuff. They could pull out all my teeth, and I wouldn't feel a thing. They haven't, have they? [Opens mouth]
	Season 6 / Episode 22: - Sir Lancelot's Litter Box Alan Harper: I hate to say it, but Chelsea's right. Charlie Harper: You don't hate it. Alan Harper: Did I say I hate to say it? What I meant to say was I can't wait to say it.
	Season 6 / Episode 22: - Sir Lancelot's Litter Box Charlie Harper: You know, there was a time it would have worked. Alan Harper: Yes, with your silicone simpletons. But Chelsea is too smart for your crap. Charlie Harper: Yeah. Plus, there's no silicone in those babies. Alan Harper: Darn. I owe Bertha five bucks.
	Season 6 / Episode 22: - Sir Lancelot's Litter Box Charlie Harper: [Gives Chelsea a key] Here. Chelsea: What is it? Charlie Harper: Alan's house key. Chelsea: Why? Charlie Harper: I want you to move in with me. Plus, Alan pissed me off last night.
	Season 6 / Episode 22: - Sir Lancelot's Litter Box Charlie Harper: I tried, Alan. I really tried. Alan Harper: Yes, you did. You gave it a whole... [looks at watch]... hour and twenty minutes. Hey, now Bertha owes me five bucks.
	Season 6 / Episode 22: - Sir Lancelot's Litter Box Charlie Harper: What happened to my towels? Chelsea: They didn't match my shower curtain. Charlie Harper: What's wrong with my shower curtain? Chelsea: It didn't match your towels. Charlie Harper: Maybe that's how I tell them apart.
	Season 6 / Episode 21: - Above Exalted Cyclops Rose: [upset] You didn't call! Alan Harper: What's that? Rose: You said you'd call me and you didn't call! Jake Harper: Hi, Rose. Rose: [suddenly cheerful] Hey, Jake.
	Season 6 / Episode 19: - The Two Finger Rule Chelsea: Can you explain this, Charlie? Charlie Harper: I'd love to. Chelsea: I'm waiting. Charlie Harper: I can't, that's why I said I'd love to.
	Season 6 / Episode 19: - The Two Finger Rule Alan Harper: [to Chelsea, who is leaving] Don't go! Charlie Harper: [to Judith over the phone] Don't hang up! Charlie Harper, Alan Harper: I love you! [Both look at each other] Berta: And I love you too.
	Season 6 / Episode 19: - The Two Finger Rule Charlie Harper: Sure you don't want a drink? Alan Harper: Drinking alcohol just makes me depressed. Charlie Harper: See, the trick is to drink past that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon.
	Season 6 / Episode 19: - The Two Finger Rule Dr. Herb Melnick: I could get used to this. Charlie Harper: Don't get too comfortable. Alan Harper: As far as Charlie's concerned, mi casa es mi casa.
	Season 6 / Episode 19: - The Two Finger Rule Charlie Harper: So what are you guys talking about? Dr. Herb Melnick: Masturbating at the YMCA. Charlie Harper: But just talk, right? Alan Harper: Yeah, but the night is still young.
	Season 6 / Episode 16: - She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime Charlie Harper: What's your problem? Jake Harper: My problem is you're a sleazeball. Charlie Harper: Oh? Is that so? Alan Harper: Oh, please. You're in a committed relationship with a wonderful woman and the minute her back is turned, you're out gallivanting. Jake Harper: Gallivanting? Alan Harper: Screwing around. Jake Harper: Why don't you just say screwing around? Charlie Harper: Hey, as we speak, Chelsea is out there doing the same thing. Alan Harper: Oh, really? She's pouring liquor down the throat of an inebriated party girl? Jake Harper: Inebriated? Alan Harper: Drunk. Jake Harper: Jeez, who are you showing off for?
	Season 6 / Episode 8: - Pinocchio's Mouth Chelsea: What I mean is if we're going to see each other on a regular basis there should be some give and take. Charlie Harper: Based on last night we're pretty even steven in the give and take department and if I recall correctly, you're up one take. Chelsea: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the one with tennis elbow.
	Season 6 / Episode 6: - It's Always Nazi Week Berta: [Walking up to him while he reads a paper with his back turned to her] Charlie, you and me gotta have a conversation! [Without looking at her, he hands her 2 $100 bills. She takes them and looks at them] Nice talking to you.
	Season 6 / Episode 6: - It's Always Nazi Week Alan Harper: Let's just give it a chance, to see how it works? Charlie Harper: That's what Poland said about the Germans. Alan Harper: Been watching History Channel again? Charlie Harper: It's Nazi week. Alan Harper: It's always Nazi week.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Alan Harper: [watching Charlie bite into a tube of cinnamon buns] What are you doing? Charlie Harper: What does it look like I'm doing? Alan Harper: I'd rather not say.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Charlie Harper: Let me put it this way: alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain cells. Jake Harper: Yeah, so? Charlie Harper: I rest my case. Jake Harper: What case?
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Charlie Harper: How would you like your eggs? Jake Harper: In an Easter basket. Charlie Harper: Scrambled it is.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Charlie Harper: Hey, Alan. Can you taste my hollandaise sauce? Alan Harper: You made hollandaise sauce? Charlie Harper: You tell me. Alan Harper: [Tastes sauce] You did not make hollandaise sauce. Charlie Harper: Damn you, eggs Benedict.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Alan Harper: Tonight, I give my second rose to bachelorette number two. Charlie Harper: Only you can gay up banging two women.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Charlie Harper: You know, your body is sending you a message. Jake Harper: Yeah, next time I need to chew my food properly. Look at that shrimp. You could polished it off and serve it again. Charlie Harper: It's also telling you that alcohol is poison. Jake Harper: Then why do you drink? Charlie Harper: Because I have things inside of me that I need killed.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Charlie Harper: You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you look at me and think it's easy. What you don't see is the years of dedication that have made me the boozing ass wrangler I am today.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Jake Harper: Man, I thought you were cool. Charlie Harper: You know what makes me cool? Not giving a crap about what you think.

« previous12 3 4 5 6 7 8 9… 15 16 next »

» Back to Two and a Half Men TV Show