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Walden Schmidt Quotes
 | Season 10 / Episode 19: - Big Episode. Someone Stole A Spoon Walden Schmidt: [Walden coming down the stairs in the morning after a wild party left his house a big mess] Wow, It's like Charlie Sheen's house. |
 | Season 10 / Episode 4: - You Do Know What The Lollipop Is For Alan Harper: You know what may help? A little less... [gesture smoking pot] Wow dude, where's my car? Walden Schmidt: No it's not the pot. I don't smoke the pot since... it's... it's not the pot. |
 | Season 9 / Episode 11: - What a Lovely Landing Strip Walden Schmidt: Does somebody got a pen I could borrow? [nobody in the cafe answers] Nobody? [still no answer] Excuse me, do you got a pen? Barista: Sorry. Walden Schmidt: This is unbelievable! [Chrissy coughs and holds a pen in her hand] Well... Could I please borrow your pen? Chrissy: I'm sorry. Someone's using it. Walden Schmidt: Who? Chrissy: They're not here yet. Walden Schmidt: I would give you a hundred dollars to borrow that pen. [everyone in the cafe offers him a pen] |
 | Season 9 / Episode 10: - A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes Jake Harper: She was totally hitting on you. Walden Schmidt: Really? Jake Harper: Yeah, you should ask her out. Walden Schmidt: Okay. [screaming] Hey, Zoe, do you wanna go on a date with me? Zoe: [off screen] Sure! Walden Schmidt: See? There's something else I wouldn't know to put on the list! |
| Season 9 / Episode 10: - A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes Alan Harper: You gave him a hundred dollars? Walden Schmidt: Oh, hey, Alan. Yeah, he washed my car. Alan Harper: Wha... what... A hundred bucks to wash a car? Walden Schmidt: Not enough? Alan Harper: For a hundred dollars, I'd lick your car clean! |
| Season 9 / Episode 10: - A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes Walden Schmidt: Hey, I'm going on a date with that girl I met at the supermarket. Do I look okay? Alan Harper: No, I look okay. You look like the guy women fantasize about when I'm on top of them! |
| Season 9 / Episode 10: - A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes Walden Schmidt: Oh, you used the frequent flyer miles? Where are you? Jake Harper: I have no idea! |
 | Season 9 / Episode 9: - Frodo’s Headshots Walden Schmidt: I'm sorry you had to find out this way. Alan Harper: Oh, really? Really? How would you have liked me to hear it? Twitter? Facebook? A singing telegram? [sings] Ta-ra-ra boom dee yay! I banged your girl today! 'Cause I'm a billionaire, I still have all my hair! |
 | Season 9 / Episode 8: - Thank You For The Intercourse Alan Harper: Let me just get Charlie's personal stuff out of here. Oh, here is some of his unfinished music. Um... panties. Panties... Panties... Waterpipe... Oh, vibrator. Walden Schmidt: So we're talking songs, thongs, bongs and chauns. Alan Harper: If he had an autobiography, that would be the title. |
| Season 9 / Episode 8: - Thank You For The Intercourse Walden Schmidt: [about the bartender] She's nice. Alan Harper: To you, sure. You're living in the world of nice. Walden Schmidt: That's because I'm nice to people and they're nice back to me. Alan Harper: No, it's because you're tall, rich and good looking. Walden Schmidt: And nice! |
| Season 9 / Episode 8: - Thank You For The Intercourse Jake Harper: I think we have a problem. Walden Schmidt: Your father? Jake Harper: Yeah. He's acting like my uncle Charlie. He's even dressing like my uncle Charlie. The only thing left of my dad is his cheapness. |
| Season 9 / Episode 8: - Thank You For The Intercourse Walden Schmidt: Hey, you remember that shrink you sent me to? Maybe you should go see her. Alan Harper: What for? I'm fine. Walden Schmidt: What's your name? Alan Harper: Charlie Harper. Walden Schmidt: You're not fine. |
 | Season 9 / Episode 7: - Those Fancy Japanese Toilets Jake Harper: I bet you shower every day. Megan: Jake, we're supposed to be studying for the chemistry midterm. Jake Harper: I'd rather study our chemistry. Megan: Lame. Jake Harper: Really? I thought it was a double entendre. Walden Schmidt: [coming in] Hey, guys! What are you studying? Jake Harper: Chemistry. Walden Schmidt: Cool. Looks like you two have a little... chemistry. Megan: [giggles] That's so clever! |
| Season 9 / Episode 7: - Those Fancy Japanese Toilets Walden Schmidt: [noticing Alan has parked his car in the garage, but the car still makes sounds] Could you turn off the car? Alan Harper: I just did. Walden Schmidt: It might need service. Alan Harper: Sadly, that's where I just came from. Walden Schmidt: Do you know what's great about my electric car? Alan Harper: No. Walden Schmidt: [turns it on. It still doesn't make a sound] I just turned it on. |
 | Season 9 / Episode 5: - A Giant Cat Holding a Churro Alan Harper: [about Walden drinking] Is this about your ex-wife? Walden Schmidt: No. Alan Harper: Walden. Walden Schmidt: Maybe. Alan Harper: Walden. Walden Schmidt: Yes. |
| Season 9 / Episode 5: - A Giant Cat Holding a Churro Alan Harper: We need to get your mind on something else. Let's watch some TV. Walden Schmidt: Bridget and I used to watch TV. Alan Harper: That's the spirit. |
| Season 9 / Episode 5: - A Giant Cat Holding a Churro Alan Harper: I'm guessing it was Berta's recipe. Walden Schmidt: It was! But I did the baking, 'cause I am a masterbaker now! |
| Season 9 / Episode 5: - A Giant Cat Holding a Churro Walden Schmidt: Man, it is hard when the person you love, doesn't love you back. Berta: You don't have to love me. Walden Schmidt: What? Berta: Oh, you heard me, Mr. Masterbaker. |
 | Season 9 / Episode 4: - Nine Magic Fingers Walden Schmidt: He's gonna move out at some point, right? Berta: [touching his face] You are SO cute! |
| Season 9 / Episode 4: - Nine Magic Fingers Walden Schmidt: [to Alan] Forget it! I'm not going to a bar! Baker: Hey, sling! Where do you keep the plunger? Walden Schmidt: I am going to a bar. |
| Season 9 / Episode 4: - Nine Magic Fingers Baker: Well hello, little girl. Berta: Hi, big daddy. You get everything? Baker: Hell yeah. Beer, bucket of drumsticks, and nine magic fingers! Berta: Let's go! [both Berta and Baker start for the bedroom] Walden Schmidt: Uh, Berta? What's going on? Berta: What's it look like? I'm going to get drunk, eat some chicken, and rock this old man's world! Walden Schmidt: [to himself] I've got ten fingers and a billion dollars, and this guy's getting more action than me! |
 | Season 9 / Episode 3: - Big Girls Don't Throw Food Walden Schmidt: So what's your deal? Jake Harper: Huh? Walden Schmidt: What's your deal? Jake Harper: Um... I'm seventeen, and I don't think I have a deal yet. Walden Schmidt: Nah, everybody's got a deal. Your deal is that you got no deal. |
 | Season 9 / Episode 3: - Big Girls Don't Throw Food Walden Schmidt: So what's your deal? Jake Harper: Huh? Walden Schmidt: What's your deal? Jake Harper: Um... I'm seventeen, and I don't think I have a deal yet. Walden Schmidt: Nah, everybody's got a deal. Your deal is that you got no deal. |
| Season 9 / Episode 3: - Big Girls Don't Throw Food Walden Schmidt: What are you, like, a high school senior or something? Jake Harper: No, I should be, but they got this stupid rule that I got to pass every single course. |
| Season 9 / Episode 3: - Big Girls Don't Throw Food Walden Schmidt: What are you, like, a high school senior or something? Jake Harper: No, I should be, but they got this stupid rule that I got to pass every single course. |
| Season 9 / Episode 3: - Big Girls Don't Throw Food Walden Schmidt: Check this out! My socks match my sneakers. Alan Harper: But your sneakers don't match each other. |
| Season 9 / Episode 3: - Big Girls Don't Throw Food Walden Schmidt: Check this out! My socks match my sneakers. Alan Harper: But your sneakers don't match each other. |
 | Season 9 / Episode 2: - People Who Love Peepholes Walden Schmidt: Hey, Bridge, it's me again. What is the name of that shampoo I use that doesn't sting my eyes? [pauses] Baby shampoo? |
 | Season 9 / Episode 2: - People Who Love Peepholes Walden Schmidt: Hey, Bridge, it's me again. What is the name of that shampoo I use that doesn't sting my eyes? [pauses] Baby shampoo? |
| Season 9 / Episode 2: - People Who Love Peepholes Walden Schmidt: I've known Bridget since high school. Alan Harper: Mhm. High school sweethearts. When I was in high school, I was dating the poster of Molly Ringwald. |
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