Jake Harper

Two and a Half Men

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Played by:

Angus T. Jones

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Jake Harper Quotes

	Season 6 / Episode 24: - Baseball with Better Steroids Charlie Harper: Alan, hit your kid for me. Alan Harper: Do we really want to risk more brain damage? Jake Harper: Thanks for sticking up for me, dad.
	Season 6 / Episode 24: - Baseball with Better Steroids Jake Harper: What's your movie idea? Alan Harper: It's about a man who finds himself in a crossroads in his life. Jake Harper: You know what I think of that movie? Boring! Rated G... A-Y.
	Season 6 / Episode 21: - Above Exalted Cyclops Rose: [upset] You didn't call! Alan Harper: What's that? Rose: You said you'd call me and you didn't call! Jake Harper: Hi, Rose. Rose: [suddenly cheerful] Hey, Jake.
	Season 6 / Episode 16: - She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime Charlie Harper: What's your problem? Jake Harper: My problem is you're a sleazeball. Charlie Harper: Oh? Is that so? Alan Harper: Oh, please. You're in a committed relationship with a wonderful woman and the minute her back is turned, you're out gallivanting. Jake Harper: Gallivanting? Alan Harper: Screwing around. Jake Harper: Why don't you just say screwing around? Charlie Harper: Hey, as we speak, Chelsea is out there doing the same thing. Alan Harper: Oh, really? She's pouring liquor down the throat of an inebriated party girl? Jake Harper: Inebriated? Alan Harper: Drunk. Jake Harper: Jeez, who are you showing off for?
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Charlie Harper: Let me put it this way: alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain cells. Jake Harper: Yeah, so? Charlie Harper: I rest my case. Jake Harper: What case?
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Charlie Harper: How would you like your eggs? Jake Harper: In an Easter basket. Charlie Harper: Scrambled it is.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Charlie Harper: You know, your body is sending you a message. Jake Harper: Yeah, next time I need to chew my food properly. Look at that shrimp. You could polished it off and serve it again. Charlie Harper: It's also telling you that alcohol is poison. Jake Harper: Then why do you drink? Charlie Harper: Because I have things inside of me that I need killed.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Jake Harper: Man, I thought you were cool. Charlie Harper: You know what makes me cool? Not giving a crap about what you think.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Jake Harper: [slurring on the phone] Hey Uncle Charlie, It's me, Jakey. I'm drunk. How are you? Are you with a woman? Does she have big ones?
	Season 5 / Episode 18: - If My Hole Could Talk Alan Harper: What were you going to do about the book report? Jake Harper: You mean beside the earthquake? Alan Harper: Yes. Jake Harper: I kinda had all my eggs in the earthquake basket.
	Season 5 / Episode 17: - Fish in a Drawer Evelyn Harper: Jake, how many times I have to tell you? Do not eat the cake until they cut it. Jake Harper: But I'm hungry. What am I supposed to do? Evelyn Harper: Eat some cheese. Jake Harper: So I can cut the cheese? Get it?
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Winky-Dink Time Alan Harper: [hot woman with cute daughter Jake's age, talks to Charlie like they are old friends] She seems nice. Ah, who is she? Charlie Harper: I have no frigging idea. Jake Harper: I'll tell you who she is... the grandmother of my children.
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Winky-Dink Time Jake Harper: [about a double date Jake arranged with Charlie, and the Mother and Daughter he met at the snack shoppe] Just don't clock-block me, okay? Charlie Harper: Clock-block you? Jake Harper: That's not it? Charlie Harper: No... that's not it.
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Winky-Dink Time Alan Harper: So! Are either of you going to tell me how it went tonight? Charlie Harper: Ask your bubble-headed son. Jake Harper: Ask your butt-headed brother.
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Winky-Dink Time Jake Harper: [Dressed in a suit with his hair slicked back] How do I look? Charlie Harper: Like you should be knocking on people's doors asking them if they've hear the Good News.
	Season 5 / Episode 11: - Meander To Your Dander Jake Harper: [Charlie and Jake are watching 'Jaws'] This movie stinks. Charlie Harper: It's a classic. Jake Harper: It's been 40 minutes and I haven't seen any sharks. Charlie Harper: They're building up the suspense. Letting you use your imagination. Jake Harper: You know what I'm imagining? A better movie.
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids Evelyn: I assumed you had nothing more important than attend your father's proposal party. Courtney: You know what they say: when you assume... you're just a bitch. Evelyn: There are children present. Jake Harper: She means me, but I'm okay with it.
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Is There a Mrs. Waffles? Charlie Harper: Remember those songs I recorded last week? Jake Harper: Those songs sucked. Charlie Harper: Of course they sucked. They're kid’s songs.
	Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Leather Gear Is In The Guest Room Evelyn: [Jake is complaining about having fruit for breakfast] Oh, well, I'm sorry sweetheart. If I'd known you were coming, I'd have stocked up on crap. Jake Harper: Well, maybe we can go crap shopping later.
	Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Leather Gear Is In The Guest Room Jake Harper: [comes in from shopping with his Dad, wearing a very oversized shirt] Just once, I'd like to get clothes that fit now! Alan Harper: Well, quit going through puberty, and we'll talk about it.
	Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Leather Gear Is In The Guest Room Jake Harper: [minutes after hearing glass break] I heard something break. Charlie Harper: And you're just coming out now? Jake Harper: I was establishing my alibi.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Help Daddy Find His Toenail Berta: Who's he listening to? Jake Harper: Bucked of hate. Berta: They're good, it reminds me of the early Who. Jake Harper: Who? Berta: Yeah. Jake Harper: What? Berta: Band called who. Jake Harper: Bucked of hate. Berta: huh, and I work for your family.
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Putting Swim Fins on a Cat Jake Harper: Did you get mom a present when you got divorced? Alan Harper: A present? Jake Harper: Yeah, you know, a memento of your time together. Alan Harper: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.
	Season 5 / Episode 3: - Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo Jake Harper: You had a dream about a train going into a tunnel? That sounds boring. It means what?
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Large Birds, Spiders and Mom Alan Harper: I've got you a little present. Your very own cell phone. Jake Harper: Oh, cool! Alan Harper: Now, the important thing to remember is that this is not a toy. It's to use in emergencies only. Jake Harper: Emergencies? What emergencies? Charlie Harper: [Pretending to use a cell phone] Dad, come get me! I'm stuffed in my locker and my underwear is wet! Alan Harper: That only happened once. Charlie Harper: If that drug-sniffing dog hadn't found you, you'd have missed Thanksgiving.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Large Birds, Spiders and Mom Alan Harper: [taking a photo of Jake before he gets on the bus] Smile. Jake Harper: About what? Alan Harper: I need a current photo in case you go missing. Charlie Harper: Alan, don't be ridiculous. They never find those kids.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Large Birds, Spiders and Mom Jake Harper: I bet it's swamp ass. Charlie Harper: What's swamp ass? Berta: Don't worry. You'd know if you had swamp ass. Jake Harper: Man, I hate swamp ass.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Large Birds, Spiders and Mom Alan Harper: Things will go great for you. You just have to remember a few things. Jake Harper: Like what? Alan Harper: Well, always keep your money in your shoe, but have some spare change in your pocket. Jake Harper: How come? Alan Harper: Decoy money. They won't stop hitting you 'til they get something. Jake Harper: Who are they? Alan Harper: The big kids, holding you by your ankles and plunging your head in the toilet. Jake Harper: [Worried look on face] Plunging my head in the toilet? Charlie Harper: D-don't, don't, don't, don't freak the kid out, Alan. It's not so much plunging as... dipping.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Large Birds, Spiders and Mom Berta: Make friends with the janitor. They usually have their own bathroom. Jake Harper: OK. Berta: Just never drink out of his Thermos. Jake Harper: All right. Berta: And don't believe him if he tells you he loves you. Damn it, I miss that one-eyed son-of-a-bitch!
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin Charlie Harper: [about how the eyes of Fernando, the handsome handyman, seem to look into your soul] Women used to say that about... my eyes. Jake Harper: Really? 'Cause now they're kinda milky and bloodshot.

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