Berta

Two and a Half Men

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Conchata Ferrell
It took 30 years since it was first predicted, but Conchata Ferrell finally achieved television stardom, ...

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Berta Quotes

	Season 6 / Episode 19: - The Two Finger Rule Alan Harper: [to Chelsea, who is leaving] Don't go! Charlie Harper: [to Judith over the phone] Don't hang up! Charlie Harper, Alan Harper: I love you! [Both look at each other] Berta: And I love you too.
	Season 6 / Episode 6: - It's Always Nazi Week Berta: [Walking up to him while he reads a paper with his back turned to her] Charlie, you and me gotta have a conversation! [Without looking at her, he hands her 2 $100 bills. She takes them and looks at them] Nice talking to you.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Berta: [reading the title of Charlie's book] "Cooking for Dummies". Charlie Harper: No offense, Jake. I'm cooking for everybody.
	Season 5 / Episode 17: - Fish in a Drawer Berta: So who do you supposed was smoking Teddy's sausage? Courtney: Bertha! He was my father! Berta: I'm sorry. Who do you supposed was smoking your fathers' sausage?
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Winky-Dink Time Berta: So, Zippy's getting a hooker? Charlie Harper: It would appear so. Berta: Talk about earning your money.
	Season 5 / Episode 7: - The Leather Gear Is In The Guest Room Charlie Harper: I don't pay you to mock me. Berta: Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Help Daddy Find His Toenail Berta: Who's he listening to? Jake Harper: Bucked of hate. Berta: They're good, it reminds me of the early Who. Jake Harper: Who? Berta: Yeah. Jake Harper: What? Berta: Band called who. Jake Harper: Bucked of hate. Berta: huh, and I work for your family.
	Season 5 / Episode 4: - City of Great Racks Berta: [speaking of Rose] Of all the bare-asses that have come through these halls, she's the one that got to you. Charlie Harper: Yeah, she got to me all right. She put a sleeping pill in my scotch and glued my testicles to my leg. Berta: You still can't get past that.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Large Birds, Spiders and Mom Charlie Harper: I have a rash in... my private area. Berta: Private? If it were any more public, you'd have to open a Starbucks.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Large Birds, Spiders and Mom Jake Harper: I bet it's swamp ass. Charlie Harper: What's swamp ass? Berta: Don't worry. You'd know if you had swamp ass. Jake Harper: Man, I hate swamp ass.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Large Birds, Spiders and Mom Berta: Make friends with the janitor. They usually have their own bathroom. Jake Harper: OK. Berta: Just never drink out of his Thermos. Jake Harper: All right. Berta: And don't believe him if he tells you he loves you. Damn it, I miss that one-eyed son-of-a-bitch!
	Season 4 / Episode 21: - Tucked, Taped & Gorgeous Charlie Harper: Bertha, how long have you been working for me? Berta: Define working.
	Season 4 / Episode 21: - Tucked, Taped & Gorgeous Berta: The world is a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion.
	Season 4 / Episode 21: - Tucked, Taped & Gorgeous Berta: Alright, don't get your panties in a bunch. Charlie Harper: What the hell's that supposed to mean? Berta: It means, don't get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack.
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot (2) Berta: [to Charlie] What is it you always say about going to a wedding with a woman you're sleeping with... You say, and I quote, "Better I should light myself on fire, and run through a meth-lab".
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot (2) Berta: [to Charlie] I know you. Myra's not one of your handi-wipes in high heels that you can just throw out after you... wipe your handi. Charlie Harper: Yeah, well, you don't know what you're talking about, because this relationship is not based on sex. Berta: Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats bourbon and farts hundred dollar bill, what exactly is going to keep you together?
	Season 4 / Episode 16: - Young People Have Phlegm Too Alan Harper: [Charlie is passed out sitting at the kitchen table] Oh God. Look what the cat dragged in. Berta: He didn't just drag it; he ate it, pooped it out, and then covered it with sand.
	Season 4 / Episode 14: - That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami Berta: Hey Charlie! Who do I work for? You? Or that fastidious parasite you call a brother?
	Season 4 / Episode 14: - That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami Berta: [to Charlie] That was some fall you took. Charlie Harper: Yea. If I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me. Berta: You think the liquer industry would promote that. Charlie Harper: It is a selling point; right up there with making ugly people do-able.
	Season 4 / Episode 14: - That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami Berta: Walk me through this again. She's beautiful, rich, divorced, and you want to hand her off to Zippy-the-Chimp? [talking about Alan] Charlie Harper: Ok, follow my reasoning here. This is a woman looking to settle down. If I sleep with her, I'm happy for one night. But, if I teach my brother to sleep with her, he falls in love, asks her to marry him, moves out, and I'm happy for the rest of my life.
	Season 4 / Episode 14: - That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami Berta: She saw him for the mindless meat-seeking missle that he is.
	Season 4 / Episode 11: - Walnuts and Demerol Charlie Harper: I thought you were going home. Berta: That was before I found out you were having a party. Charlie Harper: This is not a party. This is a bunch of people I don't like staying at my house and drinking my booze. Oh, it is a party.
	Season 4 / Episode 7: - Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head Berta: Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter, Naomi, the light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from heaven and landed on a married man's penis.
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Apologies for the Frivolity Lydia: I always watch what I eat. Berta: Going in or coming out?
	Season 4 / Episode 3: - The Sea is a Harsh Mistress Berta: [to Evelyn] Man, the last time I seen a mouth like that, it was trying to eat Jacques Cousteau.
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Working for Caligula Charlie Harper: All right, I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this but desperate times call for desperate measures [goes to the phone] Berta: What are you going to do? Charlie Harper: Something I hoped I'd never have to do. Rose: You don't mean... Charlie Harper: Afraid so... Hello? Mom.
	Season 3 / Episode 16: - Ergo, The Booty Call Judith Harper: What's going on? I don't understand. Berta: The kid's gonna need another party hat.
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - My Tongue is Meat Berta: [about Charlie's behavior around Mia] Considerate? Charlie Harper: Yeah, see, I love Mia, and I want her to be happy, and I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars, and drink and gamble and stay out all night and eat meat and sugar and grease and fat and nap and swear and wear shorts, bowling shirts... Berta: Charlie, you ain't just whipped, you're roped, saddled, and gelded. They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.
	Season 3 / Episode 13: - Humiliation is a Visual Medium Berta: [about Charlie] I give him another week before he's out on the beach humping wet sand.
	Season 3 / Episode 11: - Santa's Village of the Damned Berta: So, which one of you is slipping the high hard one to Martha Stewart?

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