Alan Harper

Two and a Half Men

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Played by:

Jon Cryer

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Alan Harper Quotes

	Season 6 / Episode 24: - Baseball with Better Steroids Charlie Harper: Alan, hit your kid for me. Alan Harper: Do we really want to risk more brain damage? Jake Harper: Thanks for sticking up for me, dad.
	Season 6 / Episode 24: - Baseball with Better Steroids Charlie Harper: Jake's in the bathroom. He's either finishing breakfast or starting lunch. Herb: Well, he's a growing boy. Charlie Harper: He's a growing pain in my ass. Alan Harper: He says that with love. Charlie Harper: No, I say it with a dull, throbbing pain in my ass.
	Season 6 / Episode 24: - Baseball with Better Steroids Jake Harper: What's your movie idea? Alan Harper: It's about a man who finds himself in a crossroads in his life. Jake Harper: You know what I think of that movie? Boring! Rated G... A-Y.
	Season 6 / Episode 22: - Sir Lancelot's Litter Box Alan Harper: I hate to say it, but Chelsea's right. Charlie Harper: You don't hate it. Alan Harper: Did I say I hate to say it? What I meant to say was I can't wait to say it.
	Season 6 / Episode 22: - Sir Lancelot's Litter Box Charlie Harper: You know, there was a time it would have worked. Alan Harper: Yes, with your silicone simpletons. But Chelsea is too smart for your crap. Charlie Harper: Yeah. Plus, there's no silicone in those babies. Alan Harper: Darn. I owe Bertha five bucks.
	Season 6 / Episode 22: - Sir Lancelot's Litter Box Charlie Harper: I tried, Alan. I really tried. Alan Harper: Yes, you did. You gave it a whole... [looks at watch]... hour and twenty minutes. Hey, now Bertha owes me five bucks.
	Season 6 / Episode 21: - Above Exalted Cyclops Rose: [upset] You didn't call! Alan Harper: What's that? Rose: You said you'd call me and you didn't call! Jake Harper: Hi, Rose. Rose: [suddenly cheerful] Hey, Jake.
	Season 6 / Episode 19: - The Two Finger Rule Alan Harper: [to Chelsea, who is leaving] Don't go! Charlie Harper: [to Judith over the phone] Don't hang up! Charlie Harper, Alan Harper: I love you! [Both look at each other] Berta: And I love you too.
	Season 6 / Episode 19: - The Two Finger Rule Charlie Harper: Sure you don't want a drink? Alan Harper: Drinking alcohol just makes me depressed. Charlie Harper: See, the trick is to drink past that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon.
	Season 6 / Episode 19: - The Two Finger Rule Dr. Herb Melnick: I could get used to this. Charlie Harper: Don't get too comfortable. Alan Harper: As far as Charlie's concerned, mi casa es mi casa.
	Season 6 / Episode 19: - The Two Finger Rule Charlie Harper: So what are you guys talking about? Dr. Herb Melnick: Masturbating at the YMCA. Charlie Harper: But just talk, right? Alan Harper: Yeah, but the night is still young.
	Season 6 / Episode 16: - She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime Charlie Harper: What's your problem? Jake Harper: My problem is you're a sleazeball. Charlie Harper: Oh? Is that so? Alan Harper: Oh, please. You're in a committed relationship with a wonderful woman and the minute her back is turned, you're out gallivanting. Jake Harper: Gallivanting? Alan Harper: Screwing around. Jake Harper: Why don't you just say screwing around? Charlie Harper: Hey, as we speak, Chelsea is out there doing the same thing. Alan Harper: Oh, really? She's pouring liquor down the throat of an inebriated party girl? Jake Harper: Inebriated? Alan Harper: Drunk. Jake Harper: Jeez, who are you showing off for?
	Season 6 / Episode 6: - It's Always Nazi Week Alan Harper: Let's just give it a chance, to see how it works? Charlie Harper: That's what Poland said about the Germans. Alan Harper: Been watching History Channel again? Charlie Harper: It's Nazi week. Alan Harper: It's always Nazi week.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Alan Harper: [watching Charlie bite into a tube of cinnamon buns] What are you doing? Charlie Harper: What does it look like I'm doing? Alan Harper: I'd rather not say.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Charlie Harper: Hey, Alan. Can you taste my hollandaise sauce? Alan Harper: You made hollandaise sauce? Charlie Harper: You tell me. Alan Harper: [Tastes sauce] You did not make hollandaise sauce. Charlie Harper: Damn you, eggs Benedict.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Damn You, Eggs Benedict Alan Harper: Tonight, I give my second rose to bachelorette number two. Charlie Harper: Only you can gay up banging two women.
	Season 5 / Episode 18: - If My Hole Could Talk Charlie Harper: I don't know why you get so worked up about it. The kid's obviously destined to sell tube socks from the back of his car. Alan Harper: A business of his own. Gee, that'd be swell.
	Season 5 / Episode 18: - If My Hole Could Talk Alan Harper: Bite me. That's chapter one in my upcoming book, "Bite Me". Chapter two is "Kiss My Pale White Ass!"
	Season 5 / Episode 18: - If My Hole Could Talk Alan Harper: What were you going to do about the book report? Jake Harper: You mean beside the earthquake? Alan Harper: Yes. Jake Harper: I kinda had all my eggs in the earthquake basket.
	Season 5 / Episode 18: - If My Hole Could Talk Charlie Harper: Sure wish you didn't take all that LSD when you were having him. Alan Harper: I didn't take LSD. Charlie Harper: You might want to start telling people that.
	Season 5 / Episode 17: - Fish in a Drawer Jenna: So, are you a friend of the bride or the groom? Alan Harper: Well, the bride is my mother, so... the groom.
	Season 5 / Episode 17: - Fish in a Drawer Alan Harper: [a hooker says "Hi Alan.", Evelyn burns him a look] Hey, I'm not the one who's got a dead husband with lipstick on his dipstick.
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Winky-Dink Time Alan Harper: [to Charlie] Listen. How much is a hooker?
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Winky-Dink Time Alan Harper: [about hookers] What can I get in the two hundred dollar range? Charlie Harper: Crabs... And car-jacked.
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Winky-Dink Time Alan Harper: [hot woman with cute daughter Jake's age, talks to Charlie like they are old friends] She seems nice. Ah, who is she? Charlie Harper: I have no frigging idea. Jake Harper: I'll tell you who she is... the grandmother of my children.
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Winky-Dink Time Charlie Harper: [about a hooker Charlie arranged for Alan] She's willing to throw you one for $500. Alan Harper: Whoa! Ah, okay, uhm... Can I put it on a credit card? Charlie Harper: A credit card. Where are you planning to swipe it, Alan? Alan Harper: Alright, alright. I was just hoping to get the miles.
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Winky-Dink Time Alexis: Shall we, uhm, take care of business before we get started? Alan Harper: [giddy] Oh, oh, absolutely. Uh... uh, no... "no money - no honey"... no, "no lootie - no bootie"... "no cash advance, I'm not in your pants"! That was four hundred, right? Alexis: Five. Alan Harper: [embarrassed] Oh, of course, five. Why did I think it was four?
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Winky-Dink Time Alan Harper: So! Are either of you going to tell me how it went tonight? Charlie Harper: Ask your bubble-headed son. Jake Harper: Ask your butt-headed brother.
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Winky-Dink Time Alan Harper: So, did you make the call? Charlie Harper: Everybody wants me to pimp for them. I might as well get a purple hat, high boots and a full-length fur coat. Alan Harper: If anyone can pull it off, it's you. So, did you make the call?
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Winky-Dink Time Charlie Harper: Her name's Alexis. Alan Harper: Alexis. That's a pretty name. Charlie Harper: They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never find a hooker named Maude.

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