Titus Quotes

Titus

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 3 / Episode 21: - The Protector Christopher Titus: [being seen with pot in his locker] Principal Wells! This is lettuce. If you get me some meat and bread I can make you a really good reuben. Principal Wells: There isn't lettuce on a reuben. Christopher Titus: ...Wanna buy some pot?
	Season 3 / Episode 21: - The Protector Tommy Shafter: Titus, you can't do this, stop it! Christopher Titus: Tommy, Erin's niece has been living with us for three months, it's my responsibility to protect her I'm not gonna let some bully harass her, I hate bullies. Tommy Shafter: You're gonna beat up a kid with a bat! Christopher Titus: What's your point?
	Season 3 / Episode 20: - Insanity Genetic (2) Christopher Titus: What? No, dude, I did not try to bring down that plane. If I had tried to bring down that plane, that plane would have come down!
	Season 3 / Episode 20: - Insanity Genetic (2) Erin Fitzpatrick: We can't plan a hijacking. Listen, we can't even plan a wedding. Christopher Titus: Oh, we planned the wedding. We didn't plan on my mom killing her husband at the wedding. That was mom's idea. She didn't know what to get us.
	Season 3 / Episode 20: - Insanity Genetic (2) Dave Scouvel: California. FBI Agent: Your name is "California"? Dave Scouvel: I wish! Oh, I thought you said "Name your state."
	Season 3 / Episode 20: - Insanity Genetic (2) Ken Titus: That idiot couldn't lead a group of bulimics to a puke convention!
	Season 3 / Episode 20: - Insanity Genetic (2) Ken Titus: He's just impulsive, but I beat the violence out of him.
	Season 3 / Episode 20: - Insanity Genetic (2) FBI Agent: You understand you're all in very serious trouble here. Ken Titus: [incredulous] You call this serious? I've been married five times!
	Season 3 / Episode 20: - Insanity Genetic (2) Christopher Titus: I don't want to be Christopher Titus anymore. Christopher Titus: I'm Rhinehold Bott.
	Season 3 / Episode 19: - Insanity Genetic (1) Stewardess: [after Ken Titus leaves a smokefilled airline bathroom] Sir? Were you smoking in the bathroom? Ken Titus: [Through a mouthfull of smoke] Define... in the bathroom.
	Season 3 / Episode 19: - Insanity Genetic (1) Titus: She nailed that Santa on the roof. Erin Fitzpatrick Titus: See? She decorated! Titus: No, she had sex with the mall Santa on the roof every year. Titus: Bam bam bam! Ah, Christmas.
	Season 3 / Episode 19: - Insanity Genetic (1) Christopher Titus: [turns on light] Horrible, heinous, brutal stuff happens to everyone. So if something tragic has happened in your life, go ahead. Take some time and grieve. [bell dings] Time's up, movin' on! I learned that from my father. Dad's like a tragedy commando. He approaches every sucky event the exact same way: "So?" The secret to his power? Well, he's dead inside.
	Season 3 / Episode 17: - After Mrs. Shafter Ken Titus: Shouldn't you be out there dancing with the construction worker, the cop, and the Indian?
	Season 3 / Episode 17: - After Mrs. Shafter Ken Titus: First Perry and I need to talk. You and me, outside. Perry: Oh, you want some of this? You don't want NONE of this! No no no! Ken Titus: [Mocking Perry's tone] I'll kick your ass. You want me to kick your ass? I'll kick your ass. Get ready for some fruit salad!
	Season 3 / Episode 17: - After Mrs. Shafter Ken Titus: There are going to be three hits: me hitting you, you hitting the floor, and then you hitting on the paramedic.
	Season 3 / Episode 17: - After Mrs. Shafter Ken Titus: What do you do when you want Erin to shut her pie hole? Christopher Titus: [not realizing Erin has just walked up behind him] I just tune her out. I go, "uh uh. Uh huh. Uh huh." So she says, "You're not listening to me, so I'm going to stop talking." Erin Fitzpatrick: Christopher? Christopher Titus: Yeah? Christopher Titus: Well, I certainly won't be doing that anymore.
	Season 3 / Episode 16: - Same Courtesy Christopher Titus: Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.
	Season 3 / Episode 16: - Same Courtesy Christopher Titus: Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.
	Season 3 / Episode 16: - Same Courtesy Shannon: People screaming in the front yard. It must be a Titus family party.
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Session Erin Fitzpatrick: [seeing his family] Hey, I didn't know they were watching, I thought it was just my class! Christopher Titus: Oh, so it's all right to gut me emotionally in front of strangers, huh? Erin Fitzpatrick: Oh my God... but we had a breakthrough, and you still trust me, right? Christopher Titus: Yeah - hope you get an A... Erin Fitzpatrick: Christopher...! Dave Titus: Erin, there's glass - don't hurt your feet! Christopher Titus: No one's really happy. And until therapists realize that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a necessary part of existence, the sooner they will realise that their use is COMPLETELY WORTHLESS! No - they have WORTH DEFICIT DISORDER!
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Session Christopher Titus: [crying] You're right, I do trust you, I do! Ken Titus: Wussy! Erin Fitzpatrick: It's OK, Christopher, it's OK, we trust each other now, and it's all OK. Christopher Titus: Come on, let's make out on the shrink's desk!
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Session Ken Titus: My head is perfectly proportionate to my body! Amy Fitzpatrick: Yeah, if you were in a Peanuts cartoon!
	Season 3 / Episode 14: - Hot Streak Erin Fitzpatrick: You want him to have your kind of fun. You need to go have his kind of fun. Christopher Titus: [Confused] You want me to rip myself a new one?
	Season 3 / Episode 14: - Hot Streak Ken 'Papa' Titus: Almost every time I have fun my chest hurts. Erin Fitzpatrick: Your chest didn't hurt when I threw you that birthday party. Ken 'Papa' Titus: Well, that birthday party wasn't fun. Sorry you had to find out like this.
	Season 3 / Episode 14: - Hot Streak Ken 'Papa' Titus: You've got the luck of the Irish. Without the dead liver and broken knuckles. Ken 'Papa' Titus: What? I'm 1/16th Irish.
	Season 3 / Episode 14: - Hot Streak Dealer: Bust. Ken 'Papa' Titus: Damn it! The wussy must be here!
	Season 3 / Episode 13: - Bachelor Party Ken Titus: Come on, let's go! I'm out of booze and sober is nipping at my heels! Nicky: Oh, boo hoo! I've got a watermelon nipping at my crotch! Ken Titus: Now I'm hungry. Can I get a fruit plate?
	Season 3 / Episode 13: - Bachelor Party Dave Scouvel: I can now pump my own stomach. Ken Titus: So that's why our vacuum smells like tacos!
	Season 3 / Episode 13: - Bachelor Party Tommy Shafter: Oh yeah, you can all talk, but when push comes to shove, who's the man, huh? Ken Titus: Tommy's head in a woman's crotch. I never thought I'd see that. Christopher Titus: Yeah, he's right. Dave, take a picture. Tommy Shafter: [groggy] Hey Titus, I had the strangest dream... I dreamt I was stuffing a turkey and I passed out with my hands inside it...
	Season 3 / Episode 13: - Bachelor Party Christopher Titus: Dad, I'm not going to Vegas. I have a great woman at home who takes her clothes off. Dave Titus: You have a stripper at home? Christopher Titus: Erin! Dave Titus: Well, when I get to your house... Dave Titus: ...I want a good seat, my man! Christopher Titus: Do you WANT me to kill you? Dave Titus: Well, no. Christopher Titus: THEN GET IN THE CAR!

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