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Fun Facts:» Trivia» Quotes » Goofs |
 | Season 1 / Episode 21: - Webby's Not Happy Eddie Stark: Come on Joy, hurry up, he's gonna be here any minute! Joy Stark: Eddie, Webby comes back to Philly every year and each time you see him you act like you're about to lose your virginity. Eddie Stark: Joy, let me tell you, Webby is a lot more fun than something that happened in theback of my uncle's van. H-he he's untamed, he's unwed, he has no responsabilities, uh, do you know that he's a ski instructor every winter in Aspen and in the summer he can pick what island he wants to bartend on, huh? Joy Stark: I know, he's the James Bond of unemployed middle-aged men. |
| Season 1 / Episode 21: - Webby's Not Happy Joy Stark: Yeah, about that, um, you know the thing with, huh, Denise and Webby probably isn't... gonna work out. She told me, in the bathroom that she's gonna... break up with him. Eddie Stark: What? W-Why would anybody break up with Webby? Joy Stark: Well it turns out that Webby... is... too much man for one woman! Webby... belongs to the world. Eddie Stark: Oh, you learned a little lesson, huh? Trying to fix Webby up? You wanted to tame Webby but you can't! Joy Stark: OK sweetie. Eddie Stark: Yeah. Joy Stark: Yeah. Eddie Stark: Can't tame Webby! Same way you can't grab hold of the wind! Joy Stark: No you cannot grab the wind! Eddie Stark: That's right! You're damn right, it can't be done! Joy Stark: Cannot be done! Eddie Stark: He is magnificient! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 20: - That's Ridiculous Eddie Stark: [into a recorder] Test number 39, chocolaty, cheessy [he takes a bite of nachos with chocolate syrup in it] subject, not feeling well. |
| Season 1 / Episode 20: - That's Ridiculous Joy Stark: Okay, remember that the garbage goes out on Tuesday and if you see a man in the bushes it's probably just the gardener so please don't call 911... again. And I put backup toilet paper in all the bathrooms because I won't be here to rescue you when you start yelling Joy! TP! Now! Eddie Stark: I'm just trying to save us all the embarassment of me shuffling across the hall to the linen closet. |
| Season 1 / Episode 20: - That's Ridiculous Eddie Stark: Dear God, it's me, Edward. I know we haven't spoken in a while and... I just wanna say that I'm sorry for those terrible names I called you when I was passing my kidney stone. In retrospect that mut've been very hurtful. I'm also sorry for the... bad things I... said to my wife, but you didn't have to take both her and TV from me. To take one or the other would've been fair, but both, quite frankly is... showboating. Joy Stark: [entering] Eddie I'm home! Eddie Stark: Ah! Oh! Did I miss you! OK, come here. [kisses Joy multiple times] Did you miss me? Joy Stark: [forced smile] Yeah Commercial Announcer: Bienvenidos a Telemundo! Eddie Stark: Gracias, mi Dios! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 19: - The Coffeemaker Jeff Woodcock: So, huh, you guys just invited us over for brunch? It's strangely friendly of you. Joy Stark: We just wanted to thank you for that awesome cappuccino maker that you got us. Jeff Woodcock: [surprised] Cappuccino maker? Well right, yeah, you're, huh, you're [confused glance at Steph] welcome. Joy Stark: So great! Now our kitchen looks juts like the Williams-Sonoma catalog, except for, you know, us. |
| Season 1 / Episode 19: - The Coffeemaker Steph Woodcock: Huh, we got it back sweetie. Jeff Woodcock: Would you look at that! Steph Woodcock: You know what? I never should've given it away in the first place. I'm really sorry. Jeff Woodcock: Oh, no! Look baby, I... I overreacted, it was just, you know, we were getting married and my mother, the woman who bore me took a day off from the bottling factory and took the bus downtown and dug deep into her heart and her bank account and bought us this. Steph Woodcock: Hey! What's this sticker on the back? Jeff Woodcock: Thank you for trying out for Wheel Of Fortune, please enjoy this consolation prize. [pause] It's a re-gift... that bitch! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 18: - I Heart Woodcocks Cofeld: Okay, okay. [Grunts] Hey Eddie, hey man w-would you scratch my back? Eddie Stark: Um... no. Cofeld: Why not? Eddie Stark: Because guys don't scratch other guys' backs. It crosses the line. Cofeld: What line? Eddie Stark: The my finger's touching your body, line. |
| Season 1 / Episode 18: - I Heart Woodcocks Jeff Woodcock: [entering] Hey man! Eddie Stark: Hey. Jeff Woodcock: Do you want me to scratch your back? Eddie Stark: Double-claw me but don't tell anyone. Jeff Woodcock: [scratching Eddie's back] Hey how about you do me after? |
| Season 1 / Episode 18: - I Heart Woodcocks Jeff Woodcock: So, huh, you guys just invited us over for brunch? It's strangely friendly of you. Joy Stark: We just wanted to thank you for that awesome cappuccino maker that you got us. Jeff Woodcock: [surprised] Cappuccino maker? Well right, yeah, you're, huh, you're [confused glance at Steph] welcome. Joy Stark: So great! Now our kitchen looks juts like the Williams-Sonoma catalog, except for, you know, us. |
| Season 1 / Episode 18: - I Heart Woodcocks Steph Woodcock: Huh, we got it back sweetie. Jeff Woodcock: Would you look at that! Steph Woodcock: You know what? I never should've given it away in the first place. I'm really sorry. Jeff Woodcock: Oh, no! Look baby, I... I overreacted, it was just, you know, we were getting married and my mother, the woman who bore me took a day off from the bottling factory and took the bus downtown and dug deep into her heart and her bank account and bought us this. Steph Woodcock: Hey! What's this sticker on the back? Jeff Woodcock: Thank you for trying out for Wheel Of Fortune, please enjoy this consolation prize. [pause] It's a re-gift... that bitch! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 17: - Clay Date Joy Stark: Phone! Eddie Stark: We're not here! Don't answer that! Joy Stark: What if it's an emergency? Eddie Stark: Who would call us in an emergency? You're panicky and I'm too big to fit in small spaces! |
| Season 1 / Episode 17: - Clay Date Steph Woodcock: Sorry I got so crazy about this whole thing. I guess I get a little nuts when people challenge me. I think it's because someone else is doing all the work. Maybe if we did something together I wouldn't become such a lunatic. I was thinking, maybe we could sponge-paint the dining room together. Doesn't that sound like fun? |
 | Season 1 / Episode 16: - The Italian Affair Joy Stark: Hey! [removes Eddie's headphones] Hellooo! Eddie Stark: Hey! Joy Stark: It's supposed to be spring cleaning. Eddie Stark: I found my old headphones, yeah and the left side still works except you have to hold the cord like this or you get a pretty good shock. |
| Season 1 / Episode 16: - The Italian Affair Eddie Stark: [Upon finding a picture in the Woodcocks' trash] Well, well, well, hello there young master Jeffrey... where on Earth are your pants? [pause] This is gonna look great on a baseball cap! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Bachelor Party Joy Stark: Ow! What are you doing? Eddie Stark: What do you mean what am I doing? I'm playing footsie! Joy Stark: OK, footsie would imply something cute and playful... you're sawing through my Achilles tendon with your big toenail! |
| Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Bachelor Party Eddie Stark: All right, now listen. Remember, our wives have probably spent the entire evening eating their cookie dough ice cream and crying about what we've been doing tonight, OK? So listen, no matter what happens on the other side of this door, do not show the guilt. Jeff Woodcock: Got it. Eddie Stark: OK Eddie Stark: I don't know what happened here buddy, but I think you're off the hook. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Wood Pile Eddie Stark: [after pulling out a recently constructed wooden pig from behind the sofa] Boom, make some room! |
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