The Wild Wild West Quotes

The Wild Wild West

- Episode Quotes

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The Wild Wild West Quotes

	Season 4 / Episode 20: - The Night of the Diva Karl Crenshaw: You can't sing with a rag over your face!
	Season 4 / Episode 19: - The Night of the Pistoleros Artemus Gordon: "Thanks Artie"? Is that all you can say to me? I've just come back from the grave risen like Lazarus, and that's what you say? "Thanks Artie"? Jim West: Thanks, Artie. Artemus Gordon: It's a pleasure.
	Season 4 / Episode 19: - The Night of the Pistoleros Jim West: Did I hear big mouth correctly? Artemus Gordon: Yup. They're going to hang you and take me with them. No hard feelings, Jim. Jim West: I resent that.
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - The Night of the Sabatini Death James T. West: Back to Washington, huh, Ned? Ned Brown: Nope. I'm off on a well-deserved vacation. James T. West: London, Paris or Rome? Ned Brown: [Shaking head no] I'm going to make a big dream come true. And do you know what my big dream is? I'm going to spend my vacation all alone... on a desert island.
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Night of the Winged Terror (1) Jim West: How is Artie bearing up under his Washington assignment, sir? President Grant: The question is, how is Washington bearing up.
	Season 4 / Episode 12: - The Night of Miguelito's Revenge Judge Alonzo Fairlie: You're mad, of course. Dr. Miguelito Loveless: Observe the classical magistrate's mind at work, Delilah. The judge does not understand me, ergo I am mad. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Dr. Miguelito Loveless. I plead guilty to being dictatorial, vain, short-tempered, occasionally unreasonable, always... always a helpless admirer of all that is rare and fine in nature and art. But mad... no sir that I will not permit.
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Night of the Big Blackmail Jim West: Artie, when are you going to get rid of that cat? Artemus Gordon: Listen, he stowed aboard in Denver, I'm going to see to it that he gets home.
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Night of the Big Blackmail Artemus Gordon: [getting an idea] Well, they're expecting a "show"... who are we to to disappoint them?
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Night of the Big Blackmail Jim West: [offering a toast] To Baron Hinterstoisser: wherever he may be!
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Night of the Big Blackmail Hilda: Why should I say it again? Artemus Gordon: Because when you say supervisors your nose crinkles up in the most adorable way, did you know that?
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Night of the Big Blackmail Artemus Gordon: Did it ever occur to you that red might mean danger? For instance, red for fire, fire of explosion? Jim West: What would they want to explode? Artemus Gordon: People who fool around with their levers.
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - The Night of the Big Blackmail Artemus Gordon: It was just a thought. Jim West: I'm glad it was a just a thought, Artie.
	Season 3 / Episode 23: - The Night of the Simian Terror Artemus Gordon: Naomi. "My sweetness". That's what Naomi means in Hebrew, did you know that? Naomi Buckley: Really? And what does Artemus mean? Jim West: It means "He who wastes little time".
	Season 3 / Episode 12: - The Night of the Legion of Death Artemus Gordon: Hey! I've got a little bone I want to pick with you. Jim West: Me? Artemus Gordon: Yeah, the next time - if there is a next time - do you mind not hanging around till the last minute before letting me know that you're there? Jim West: Hey, Artie, I showed up as soon as I could!
	Season 3 / Episode 12: - The Night of the Legion of Death Zeke Montgomery: You're not the Governor. You're a wonderfully endowed face, a commanding presence, a bell-like silver voice. You're a hollow tin-plated fraud, Brubaker! I am the Governor. I made you. I put you into office. I created your Black Legion. I write your speeches for you, tell you what to say, what to think, what to reach for, who to reward, who to execute. You're a Greek mask that I speak through. Don't ever forget that.
	Season 3 / Episode 12: - The Night of the Legion of Death Zeke Montgomery: I am the power, I warn you, not Brubaker! Me! You fools - Brubaker was nothing! It was me! His ideas were mine, his speeches were mine, everything he did I was responsible for, me! Come back! Come back! I will lead you, came back to me! [to a nearly empty hall:] It was meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Zeke Montgomery: [calmer:] It was me. Jim West: Yeah, we know.
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - The Night of the Hangman James T. West: How did you get into the Secret Service with hayfever? Artemus Gordon: Kept it a secret.
	Season 2 / Episode 28: - The Night of the Bogus Bandits Dr. Miguelito Loveless: Pitiful. Absolutely pitiful!
	Season 2 / Episode 27: - The Night of the Wolf Talamantes: [Leandra screams after seeing a spider] Please do not scream again, princess, it deafened me.
	Season 2 / Episode 26: - The Night of the Cadre Jim West: Where are we roughly? Artemus Gordon: I'd say about five minutes away from dying of thirst or alkali poisoing.
	Season 2 / Episode 24: - The Night of the Colonel's Ghost President Ulysses S. Grant: You know, Mr. Gordon, it's men like you who will eventually take all the fun out of war.
	Season 2 / Episode 23: - The Night of the Surreal McCoy Jim West: Know where the ambassador is? Artemus Gordon: Yeah, saloon basement. He's all right. Jim West: Think you can find him? Artemus Gordon: What? And leave you here all alone? Jim West: There's only four of them. Artemus Gordon: Three. Hardly seems worth your while.
	Season 2 / Episode 23: - The Night of the Surreal McCoy Jim West: I thought you were dead. Dr. Miguelito Loveless: Oh, no, Mr. West! I shall never die. Death is far too ordinary. The boredom would probably kill me.
	Season 2 / Episode 20: - The Night of the Vicious Valentine Emma Valentine: What do you demand of a woman, intelligence or beauty? Jim West: Beauty if they are intelligent, and intelligence if they are beautiful.
	Season 2 / Episode 20: - The Night of the Vicious Valentine Emma Valentine: Well, Mr. West, I regard myself, not as a criminal, but as savior of all womankind. Jim West: Interesting... and what do women have to be saved from? Emma Valentine: From domination of the spirit, economic exploitation, annihilation of the mind - in brief, all the injustices wrought by men.
	Season 2 / Episode 20: - The Night of the Vicious Valentine Emma Valentine: Your ideal mate, Mr. West, is a combination of Aphrodite, Helen of Troy and Lola Montez. Oh, Mr. West, I'm afraid it can't be done. Jim West: Well, frankly I like to do my own shopping anyway.
	Season 2 / Episode 15: - The Night of the Lord of Limbo Artemus Gordon: By the way, what is your name? Jim West: James. James West. Artemus Gordon: How do you do, James? It's an odd thing, but I have this ridiculous feeling that you and I have done all this before. Isn't that ridiculous? Well, it was fun while it lasted, wasn't it, James? Jim West: It's not over yet. I've gone to too much trouble to find you. Artemus Gordon: You, have too much trouble to find me.
	Season 2 / Episode 15: - The Night of the Lord of Limbo Jim West: The Colonel is a rather unique travel agent. Artemus Gordon: And a most unusual magician, too.
	Season 2 / Episode 15: - The Night of the Lord of Limbo Col. Noel Bartley Vautrain: So! The weary way-worn wanderer is returned. Pleasant trip?
	Season 2 / Episode 14: - The Night of the Infernal Machine James T. West: Bombs are like women, gentlemen: you should never let them know you don't trust them.

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