The War at Home Quotes

The War at Home

- Episode Quotes

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The War at Home Quotes

	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Put on a Happy Face Dave Gold: Look, I don't drink cause I'm sad. I drink because I'm bored and dissatisfied with my life.
	Season 1 / Episode 21: - The Runaways Dave: So did you break up with Heidi? Mike: No, dad. I didn't break up with Heidi. Dave: What?! You didn't listen to me? Mike: Dad, no offence but I pretty much don't listen to anything you say ever. Dave: What? Mike: Well, you know, I listen for key words like "Dinner's ready" or "allowance" or "FIRE!" but the rest is just background noise.
	Season 1 / Episode 18: - 13 Going On $30,000 Dave: Just because you're half Jewish doesn't mean you're going to do it half-assed. Ok, for thousands of years Jews had to learn that Hebrew crap, I had to do it and you're going to do it. Mike: Yeah, but that sounds hard. Dave: Too bad, that's what being a Jew is all about, suffering. Welcome to the club.
	Season 1 / Episode 15: - Looney Tunes Aunt Shelley: Larry, is that you? It's me, your mom. Larry: Huh? Aunt Shelley: Well, Vicky has two kids: Mike and Hillary Larry: No. I'm the middle child. I'm Larry. Aunt Shelley: Oh, Larry. You're my son. Dave and Vicky took you away from me because I was insane. [reaches out for a hug] Larry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Aunt Shelley: I'm not his mother. I'm just screwing with him. Serves them right for not coming to visit me.
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - Gimme A Break (2) Dave Gold: What's the matter with you, huh? We don't steal in this family. Hillary Gold: Really? What about our cable? Dave Gold: That's not stealing. That's beating the system. Hillary Gold: What about when you eat in the grocery store? Dave Gold: That's called a taste test. Hillary Gold: I think you know what Oreos taste like, Dad.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Bigger They Come Dave: [Giving Kenny advice about the new girl that he is dating, who is fat.] I'm just saying that you should always be careful. Kenny: You mean I should always practice safe sex? Dave: [Pauses] Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Dave: [Speaking to the audience.] Actually, I meant that he shouldn't ever let her be on top.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - High Crimes Larry: Hey Kenny, if I show you something you promise not to tell anyone? Kenny: [In his mind] If you show me yours, I'll show you mine.
	Unknown Episode: Dave: There's only one simple rule for dating my teenage daughter - she sees your penis, I'll cut it off.
	Unknown Episode: Dave: I'm gonna miss that Jew-hating country club.
	Unknown Episode: Mike: [yells] My penis is on fire!
	Unknown Episode: Dave: [after Hillary has announced she's getting a wax and Dave thinks it's her genitals] No, you don't prune the hedges unless you're expecting company in the front yard.
	Unknown Episode: Kenny: [watching TV with Dave] [sighs], I love figure skating. Dave: It's hockey...
	Unknown Episode: Dave: When I was a kid growing up, my father's philosophy was "Do as I say, not as I do." Well, when I became a parent, I swore I would do better with my kids. So my philosophy is, "Do as I say - not as I hope you don't know I do."
	Unknown Episode: Dave: It's true. Parents that use drugs have kids that use drugs. So there's an important lesson here; don't have kids!
	Unknown Episode: Dave: What happened to our stash? Vicky: Our stash? Since when do we have a stash? Dave: You know... Vicky: No. I thought we decided to be more responsible, and you were gonna get rid of the pot. Dave: I am getting rid of it. Little by little.
	Unknown Episode: Vicky: Hillary came to me and wanted to know how you know when the time is right. Dave: Please tell me she's still confused about daylight savings.
	Unknown Episode: Vicky: You know, maybe we shouldn't drink while the kids live here. Dave: Come on, Vicky, we drink because the kids live here.
	Unknown Episode: Larry: I don't like you when you're drunk. Hillary: [slurred] I don't like you when I'm sober.
	Unknown Episode: Vicky: What was that? Dave: Oh, that must be Mike playing with his BB gun. Vicky: His what? Dave: Ah, you know, he's been begging me for one, so I finally got it for him. Vicky: Dave! Why didn't you ask me first? Dave: Same reason I never asked her for a three-way. She would've just said no.
	Unknown Episode: Dave: When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was sneak into "R" rated movies. In my mind, "R" stood for "really good." Nowadays, there's warnings and ratings on everything; video games, music, booze, cigarettes. You think these warnings would keep kids away from all these things. When, actually, it's sending up a flare saying, "Hey, look. Good stuff over here." [disclaimer appears on screen: "Due to the mature subject matter, the following episode may not be suitable for all family members."] Dave: [glances down at disclaimer] See? Makes you wanna watch even more, doesn't it?
	Unknown Episode: Dave: [sees Hillary looking at his Penthouse magazine] What the hell are you doing? That's a men's magazine for men. Oh, God, don't tell me you're going Rosie O'Donnell on me. Hillary: Relax, I'm just looking at the boobs. Dave: Not making me feel better.
	Unknown Episode: Dave: Look, I think we might need to take him to a professional. Vicky: What? I thought you didn't believe in therapy. Dave: What therapy? I meant a hooker.
	Unknown Episode: Dave: Where you been? Vicky: Oh, I was just talking to Hillary. Dave: All this time? Vicky: Yeah. Dave: How long does it take her to roll her eyes and tell you to get the hell out of her room?
	Unknown Episode: Dave: I can just imagine the line of crap that Kyle kid is feeding her. "I love you so much, baby. Why should we wait if it's the right time, baby? Come on, baby, let's do it right now, baby." Vicky: Come on, she's not an idiot. Dave: You fell for it!
	Unknown Episode: Dave: You know, when I was young, I would say anything to a girl to get her to... well, to get her to. I would tell fat girls they were hot. I would tell ugly girls they were pretty. I would tell stupid girls they were... Well, I really didn't have to tell them much. They were pretty much good to go.
	Unknown Episode: Vicky: I never had sex with a guy who pressured me. At least not until I got married.
	Unknown Episode: Dave: They say necessity is the mother of invention. When I first got a computer, it seemed so complicated. I thought; "I'll never figure this thing out!". Then I found out there was free pornography out there. I figured it out.
	Unknown Episode: Mike: Hey, Dad, I need you to sign this math test. Dave: You failed? Mike: No, my teacher just wants your autograph. He's a big fan of mid-level insurance salesmen.
	Unknown Episode: Keith: Don't worry, I'll give Hillary the respect she deserves. Dave: Oh, you better give her more than that!
	Unknown Episode: Dave: [beginning of the show, fourth wall] You know, don't you sometimes wish that having kids was like eating out at a restaurant, that if you didn't like the food, or for that matter kids, you could send it back? "Uh yea excuse me, I never ordered this daughter so spicy, and where's the dressing she's suppose to come with, and oh, yea, I didn't order this kid flaming, and I don't even remember ordering this kid at all."

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