The Venture Bros. Quotes

The Venture Bros.

- Episode Quotes

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The Venture Bros. Quotes

	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Blood of the Father, Heart of Steel Hank Venture: [runs up and hugs Brock, who is in a S.P.H.I.N.X. uniform] Why are you here? Why are you wearing that? Why didn't you say goodbye to me? Why didn't you... Brock Samson: Hank, Hank! Listen, buddy. You have to trust me. You can't tell anybody we were here, this is our little secret. Hank Venture: Why did you leave me? Brock Samson: Hank, I'll never leave you. But right now these guys need me a little more. You can share me, Hank, can't you? I mean, look how big you've gotten! I can barely get my hands around these shoulders! Sergeant Hatred: [Offscreen, coming up the hill] Hank! Hank! Hank Venture: I'm over here! It's okay, I'm with- [Turns to find Brock gone] Sergeant Hatred: [Picks up the knife Brock used to kill the Hitler dog] Hank, did you kill Hitler? Hank Venture: No, it was... it was an angel.
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Blood of the Father, Heart of Steel Hank Venture: [runs up and hugs Brock, who is in a S.P.H.I.N.X. uniform] Why are you here? Why are you wearing that? Why didn't you say goodbye to me? Why didn't you... Brock Samson: Hank, Hank! Listen, buddy. You have to trust me. You can't tell anybody we were here, this is our little secret. Hank Venture: Why did you leave me? Brock Samson: Hank, I'll never leave you. But right now these guys need me a little more. You can share me, Hank, can't you? I mean, look how big you've gotten! I can barely get my hands around these shoulders! Sergeant Hatred: [Offscreen, coming up the hill] Hank! Hank! Hank Venture: I'm over here! It's okay, I'm with- [Turns to find Brock gone] Sergeant Hatred: [Picks up the knife Brock used to kill the Hitler dog] Hank, did you kill Hitler? Hank Venture: No, it was... it was an angel.
	Season 3 / Episode 8: - Tears of a Sea Cow Dr. Dugong: Man seeks a good time, but he is not a hedonist! He seeks love, he just doesn't know where to look. He looks under the beds of whores and in the hot stem of a crack pipe. But he should look to nature; gentle aquatic mammals have all the answers!
	Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Buddy System Sgt. Hatred: I got a court order that says I can't be around these... sexy little children!
	Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Buddy System Billy Quizboy: [as a huge gorilla approaches Dr. Venture] Be careful; they can smell fear. Dr. Venture: What about urine? Can they smell that? Billy Quizboy: That's, like, liquid fear.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - Home Is Where The Hate Is Sgt. Hatred: [Exiting the Venture Compound] Well, I'm sure going looking forward to being your arch, oh, which reminds me... Brock Samson: HEY! Sgt. Hatred: [Holding up his hands, chuckling, handing the gun to Brock] Whoh, whoh, easy there. It's only rubber; just keeping ya' on your toes. I uh... Sgt. Hatred: Gee, uh, they usually don't break the skin like that. He's a real softie, isn't he. [to his radio] Hatred to Malice Troop... gotta '86 the non-lethal. Yeah, were goin' full blown Nerf here.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - Home Is Where The Hate Is Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: [Smoke coming from The Monarch's room] What are you doing? The Monarch: I'm Farrah Fawcett attempting to make a comeback. What do you think I'm doing? I'm not using the same bed that you pleasured Phantom Limb in. So, I'm burning it along with this... what is this... little league trophies? Self-help books? Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Well then sell'em. Do you really have to burn all of it, that's insane! The Monarch: You know what's insane? You dated a man who read a book entitled, "The Secret". You know what that "secret" is? Your ex-boyfriend is a loser. [Mocking] Oh, but don't tell anybody... secret.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - Home Is Where The Hate Is The Monarch: [emoting clues to Venture during a guessing game] You're a brainless nobody who lives entirely off your father's fame and fortune! Dr. Venture: Uh... George Bush? The Monarch: [More upset] Hardly! I've never, NEVER hated anyone more than you! Dr. Venture: Um... let's see... Hit... Did Hitler have a son? The Monarch: [Even more upset] No! You should just admit that your a failure and drink poison! Dr. Venture: Um... Socrates' son?
	Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Invisible Hand of Fate Computer: Please do not be alarmed. We are about to engage... The Nozzle. Computer: Please do not move while The Nozzle is engaging. Moving will disrupt calibration of... The Nozzle. [pause] Please wait while we calibrate... The Nozzle. Computer: Please do not look away from... The Nozzle. [pause] The Nozzle is now calibrating. [Billy stares as nothing happens] The Nozzle is still calibrating. [nothing continues to happen] The Nozzle has completed calibration. Thank you. Colonel Hunter Gathers: There's our pink-cheeked junior G-Man! Billy Quizboy: What was that thing? Colonel Hunter Gathers: I have no idea.
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Showdown at Cremation Creek, Part I The Monarch: OH! DICK MOVE!
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Showdown at Cremation Creek, Part I The Phantom Limb: Revenge, like gazpacho soup, is best served cold. Precise and merciless. The Monarch: Yeah, yeah, you can never have enough precision in your soup.
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Showdown at Cremation Creek, Part I Henchman 21: [Waking up after partying in the Mighty Flying Cocoon] Oh God! I don't ever want to do that again! Henchman 24: [Feeling the same] God; he's gonna kill us when he gets back. Henchman 21: Oh, let him kill us. Death would be a sweet release from all of this. [Stands up] Oh, fuck it! You do it! Just make sure when you do it that it isn't loud or near my head. Brock Samson: [Off scene, to Henchman 24] I got an idea, Chunk! [Camera pans to Brock and the Ventures in the jail cell] You let me out of here and I'll kill ya. Henchman 21: Oh, my god. What did we do? Henchman 24: I thought I dreamed that part.
	Season 2 / Episode 11: - �Viva los Muertos! Ted: Why do you hate God so much? Sonny: I don't hate god, maaan! Ted: Well god thinks you hate him, and that's just as bad as hating him. Now why don't you and Groovy go start looking for some clues! Sonny: Clues to what? What is your trip? Ted: Clues to why I don't I chain you to the back of my van and road haul you until you're nothing more than a pelvis, wearing a belt! Groovy: Guy is peesing on your lawn man!
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - I Know Why the Caged Bird Kills Dean Venture: You're not our mom! You just can't be! Hank Venture: On account of the crazy. Myra Brandish: Search your feelings boys; you know it to be true. So true. Myra Brandish: Funny how it seems, always on time, but never in line for dreams. Hank Venture: Okay, we're losin' her again. Myra Brandish: I bought a ticket to the world, but now I've come back again! Hank Venture: If you're supposed to be our mom, then why you got us tied up, huh? People only do that when they wanna kill us. Dean Venture: Or hold us for ransom. Hank Venture: Or touch us inappropriately. Dean Venture: What? When? That never... Hank Venture: Sergeant Hatred? What, did you block that out? Oh, no, wait - you were passed out from the wine. Most of it was awful; trust me.
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - I Know Why the Caged Bird Kills Henchman 24: Ah, don't knock or anything. It's not like I live with eighty guys and no women, so there is no chance I'm masturbating!
	Season 2 / Episode 9: - Guess Who’s Coming to State Dinner? Abraham Lincoln: Microchip! Microchip! Infused to the back of Colonel Manstrong's neck. His mother is using it to control him and he's going to assassinate the president! Dean Venture: I don't know, that sounds kinda far fetched. Hank Venture: [to Dean] Thanks. I'm glad you said it first. Abraham Lincoln: [stops raving frantically after hearing Hank] Far fetched? Didn't either of you see the 'Manchurian Candidate'? Not even the remake with Denzel? I've been dead for seven score years and even I... Hank Venture: [Quietly, to Dean] Who is this guy again? Abraham Lincoln: [Interrupting loudly and irritated] ABRAHAM LINCOLN! 16th President of the United States? C'mon you're kidding me! Dean Venture: [to Hank] Yeah, haven't you learned anything in bed? Abraham Lincoln: [Irritated and rubbing his temples] Alright, how about this: I'm the five-dollar bill guy... Hank Venture: [Excitedly] You invented the five-dollar bill? Abraham Lincoln: [Sarcastically agreeing] That's right, Hank. Yes I did. [burying his face in his hand as to appear he's given up on Hank; looks to Dean] Dean, you seem to have a bit more on the ball here. Would you mind being able to help me? For the Union?
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Fallen Arches Dr. Byron Orpheus: Okay, Curse. Now was it Curse or Chris? Curse: Curse! We can use magic, right? That's... kind of my bag. Dr. Byron Orpheus: [all talking at once] Of course! The Alchemist: Absolutely! Magic is a plus. Jefferson Twilight: Oh, yeah, Curse, bring it on. Jefferson Twilight: On three, we give him the old Rochambeau! The Alchemist: Rock-paper-scissors? Dr. Byron Orpheus: What does a general from the American Revolution have to do with this? Jefferson Twilight: American revolution? Rochambeau sound... sounds French to me. Dr. Byron Orpheus: Well yes, the Franco-American forces. Jefferson Twilight: They fought with Spaghetti-o's and meatballs? The Alchemist: Why would a company called Franco-American make Italian food?
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Fallen Arches Triana Orpheus: [coming into the bathroom] Oh, Hank, what's wrong with you? Dean Venture: Right? It smells like a Bible story in here.
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Fallen Arches Hank Venture: Oh, no! We just killed your girlfriend! Dean Venture: She's my girlfriend? Hank Venture: Probably. Before we killed her.
	Season 2 / Episode 7: - Love-Bheits Hank Venture: I am the Bat! Dr. Venture: Yes, yes. You're THE BAT! And THE BAT is the reason why we didn't take Best Group Costume... again! Last year, it was Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion, and THE BAT! Oh, and how about the time we were the hard-rocking quartet of Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley, and THE BAT? Hank Venture: The night is mine.
	Season 2 / Episode 7: - Love-Bheits Dr. Venture: Hey, maybe he'll surprise us. He does get that kind-of retard strength when he's all worked up.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Victor. Echo. November. Dean Venture: Hank, are you even close to finis... [sees Hank is dressed as Batman] Dad! Dr. Venture: [enters] Dean, you smell like a whore. [Dean points at Hank] What's the...? Oh, not agai... Brock! Hank Venture: What? You said to put on your best outfit. Dr. Venture: Outfit, Hank. Not costume! Brock Samson: [enters] What the f...? Dean Venture: Well, I guess you can't come. Right? Hank can't come? Dr. Venture: Nice try, Dean.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Victor. Echo. November. Dr. Byron Orpheus: When young women reach estrous the um... lingam yearns for the stamen-like skills of the yoni.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Victor. Echo. November. Henchman 21: Who's your date? The Monarch: I met her on the LiveJournal, which I kept in prison. I have been blogging! After posting an especially attractive picture of my prison-sculpted abs, she commented that I was not only "pwn", I was "teh sex"... whatever that means.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - 20 Years to Midnight The Grand Inquisitor: [shouts] Earthman! I have traveled from an incredibly distant star to observe the ways of your planet! Hank Venture: [about the volume of the Inquisitor's voice] Aw, I can feel it in my Joanies! The Grand Inquisitor: [shouts] You have the honor of representing your entire race as my sample subject! Dr. Venture: [whispers] Brock? There's a twelve-foot man in our pool pointing a beam at my head. Do something? The Grand Inquisitor: [shouts] Whispering is futile! The Grand Galactic Inquisitor hears all! Sees all! Dr. Venture: Look, we don't have time for this, okay? We're on a very tight... The Grand Inquisitor: [shouts] Do not speak to me! Do not alter your normal human behavior in any way! You know not the elaborate criteria by which you are to be judged! Ignore my presence and go about your Earthly business! Dr. Venture: [sighs]
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - 20 Years to Midnight The Grand Inquisitor: IGNORE ME!
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - 20 Years to Midnight The Grand Inquisitor: [cab pulls up] Fear not, good Earth citizens! I have arrived here with your infant child intact but continue not to notice me! Taxi Driver: Hey stretch, it says 20 on the meter! The Grand Inquisitor: IGNORE ME! Dr. Jonas Venture Jr.: Who the hell is that? Dr. Venture: [groans] Just... just ignore him.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - 20 Years to Midnight Dr. Venture: What the hell are you doing here? You were supposed to be our "backup" crew in case something happens to us! Dr. Jonas Venture Jr.: What do you want from me? I mean, look at you. You had "super kill guy" with you and you still got caught.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - 20 Years to Midnight Brock Samson: I dunno, Doc. Dr. Venture: What? Brock Samson: This is pretty bad, even for you. Dr. Venture: Look, I've seen you rip a man's eyes out of his sockets and make him a marionette with his optic nerves! Brock Samson: Yeah, but at least I didn't break his heart. Dr. Venture: You sure about that?
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - 20 Years to Midnight Brock Samson: Doc, wake up. Dr. Venture: [shaking his head] God, I thought I was all done with the creepy nightmares. The Grand Inquisitor: [shouting] Yes, that was a rather odd one! Dr. Venture: [sighs] Oh great! He can read my thoughts, too! The Grand Inquisitor: [shouting] IGNORE ME!... Yes, I can!

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