The Monarch

The Venture Bros.

- Character Guide

Characters: #6 of 13 (Full List)

+ Add to My Characters

Played by:

Christopher McCulloch

« Back to Character Profile

The Monarch Quotes

	Season 3 / Episode 4: - Home Is Where The Hate Is Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: [Smoke coming from The Monarch's room] What are you doing? The Monarch: I'm Farrah Fawcett attempting to make a comeback. What do you think I'm doing? I'm not using the same bed that you pleasured Phantom Limb in. So, I'm burning it along with this... what is this... little league trophies? Self-help books? Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Well then sell'em. Do you really have to burn all of it, that's insane! The Monarch: You know what's insane? You dated a man who read a book entitled, "The Secret". You know what that "secret" is? Your ex-boyfriend is a loser. [Mocking] Oh, but don't tell anybody... secret.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - Home Is Where The Hate Is The Monarch: [emoting clues to Venture during a guessing game] You're a brainless nobody who lives entirely off your father's fame and fortune! Dr. Venture: Uh... George Bush? The Monarch: [More upset] Hardly! I've never, NEVER hated anyone more than you! Dr. Venture: Um... let's see... Hit... Did Hitler have a son? The Monarch: [Even more upset] No! You should just admit that your a failure and drink poison! Dr. Venture: Um... Socrates' son?
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Showdown at Cremation Creek, Part I The Monarch: OH! DICK MOVE!
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Showdown at Cremation Creek, Part I The Phantom Limb: Revenge, like gazpacho soup, is best served cold. Precise and merciless. The Monarch: Yeah, yeah, you can never have enough precision in your soup.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Victor. Echo. November. Henchman 21: Who's your date? The Monarch: I met her on the LiveJournal, which I kept in prison. I have been blogging! After posting an especially attractive picture of my prison-sculpted abs, she commented that I was not only "pwn", I was "teh sex"... whatever that means.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Hate Floats Henchman 21: [Opening his bureau] Gentlemen, choose your weapons. Henchman 24: Are these them? Henchman 21: [correcting] Are these 'they'. Henchman 24: Who talks like that? The Monarch: Stand aside. I'm in charge here and I will assign the... are these they? Henchman 21: [Proudly, as the scene reveals the 'weapons' to be collector's toys] Yep. And you gotta admit that it is a sweet collection. The Monarch: You fucking idiot! You expect us to go in to battle with these? Is it your plan so that they will die laughing? Dr. Venture: Oh, no, I think you'll have that covered when you storm the room with butterfly costumes. The Monarch: Oh ha, ha, ha, ha... nice one-sie, dick! Does it have snaps in the back so you can make poopies? Henchman 24: Oh, snap! Dr. Venture: For your information, this isn't a one-sie, it is a speed suit! The Monarch: Or they can think that you're a three year old with prygeria and take pity on us. Henchman 24: Oh, in your face!
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Powerless in the Face of Death The Monarch: Holy shit! You're Dean Fucking Venture!
	Season 1 / Episode 13: - The Trial of the Monarch The Monarch: You think you're hot shit in a champagne glass, but you're really cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup!
	Season 1 / Episode 13: - The Trial of the Monarch The Monarch: [in a "Scared Straight"-style prison program] What's your name? Dean Venture: Dean Ven... The Monarch: Your name is Bitch! And I own you. You're property! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame... King Gorilla! You got a cigarette? The Monarch: There. I just sold you for a cigarette... and I don't smoke! The Monarch: Holy shit! You're Dean fucking Venture! King, I gotta buy my bitch back. Here's your cigarette. King Gorilla: Fuck you, gimme a dollar.
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - Past Tense Dr. Girlfriend: I can't believe you saved it. What are these hard chunks? Phantom Limb: My... tears. The Monarch: Tears? You have to be kidding me! You know that sick, deformed slob... you know he was pounding his invisible meat all over that skimpy... Dr. Venture: That’s it! Objection! Your honor, I have children listening to this potty talk. Judge: Sustained. I want that last part stricken from the record. And my mind.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - Are You There God? It's Me, Dean Dr. Girlfriend: Sweetie, isn't that the guy from Depeche Mode? The Monarch: Oh, no way! Where? Holy crap, he's with a girl? Dr. Girlfriend: Oh yeah, that guy is totally straight. I saw a whole thing about him on the VH-1. The Monarch: But he's the guy from Depeche Mode! It's impossible. Dr. Girlfriend: Straight. The Monarch: Come on! He's in Depeche Mode!
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - Are You There God? It's Me, Dean The Monarch: Here I am in the heart of the lion's den and I don't even care! [indicating a machine] I don't even feel like taking a whizz on this! I used to DREAM about taking a whizz on this!
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - Midlife Chrysalis The Monarch: I don't think I'm the one in danger here... considering the sad fact that right below you flows the MIGHTY AMAZON - teeming with the most GRUESOME fish to ever... Hank Venture: [interrupting] The piranha! The Monarch: No. Hank Venture: The shark? The Monarch: No! Hank Venture: ...The piranha! The Monarch: NO! And shut up! This isn't a quiz.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Careers in Science Baron Ünderbheit: You have to give me this one. I've loathed Venture ever since college. The Monarch: Oh, who hasn't, Ünderpants? What makes your case so special? The Monarch: Wow, you mean he did that? How? Baron Ünderbheit: Where I come from, a lab partnership is a sacred trust. One is always suppose to look out for one's lab partner. Venture did not. The Monarch: Fine, fine. But you have to understand you can't waltz into the middle of a delicate, high-stakes chess tournament and yell, "King me!" 'cause he bitched up your face.
	Unknown Episode: The Monarch: But see, that's what I'm talking about. Now Venture'll send Samson after the rest of us, and he'll go sickhouse on our asses. I LIKE my ass, gentlemen.
	Unknown Episode: Dr. Venture: Oh, you don't know when to stop with all this, do you? You just keep pushing my buttons! The Monarch: You're my arch-enemy! That's what I do! That's my thing!
	Unknown Episode: Dr. Venture: Oh, you don't know when to stop with all this, do you? You just keep pushing my buttons! The Monarch: You're my arch-enemy! That's what I do! That's my thing!
	Unknown Episode: Henchman 21: Here is where you are wrong, my friend. This woman has killed before. Henchman 24: Allegedly. Henchman 21: Okay, whatever. But she was a big girl. We are talking about a large, healthy woman of questionable stability. Henchman 24: Oh, you are totally underestimating the never-say-die scrappiness of a survivor. The Monarch: Hey, guess what? Nobody cares who would win in a crazy fantasy fist-fight between Anne Frank and Lizzie Borden. We never should have brought the henchmen. We're going to be the only ones there with henchmen!
	Unknown Episode: Henchman 21: Here is where you are wrong, my friend. This woman has killed before. Henchman 24: Allegedly. Henchman 21: Okay, whatever. But she was a big girl. We are talking about a large, healthy woman of questionable stability. Henchman 24: Oh, you are totally underestimating the never-say-die scrappiness of a survivor. The Monarch: Hey, guess what? Nobody cares who would win in a crazy fantasy fist-fight between Anne Frank and Lizzie Borden. We never should have brought the henchmen. We're going to be the only ones there with henchmen!
	Unknown Episode: The Monarch: I wanted to thank you for finding Grover Cleveland's presidential time machine for me. I'll give him your regards.
	Unknown Episode: The Monarch: I wanted to thank you for finding Grover Cleveland's presidential time machine for me. I'll give him your regards.
	Unknown Episode: The Monarch: Release the butterflies. The Monarch: Okay, whose job was it to feed the butterflies?
	Unknown Episode: The Monarch: Release the butterflies. The Monarch: Okay, whose job was it to feed the butterflies?
	Unknown Episode: Dr. Girlfriend: Killing your arch-enemy on Christmas Eve - that's a gift for me? The Monarch: Well, I got you some stocking-stuffers too...
	Unknown Episode: Dr. Girlfriend: Killing your arch-enemy on Christmas Eve - that's a gift for me? The Monarch: Well, I got you some stocking-stuffers too...
	Unknown Episode: Brock Samson: Don't you have nothing else to do but harp on Dr. Venture? Why haven't you tried the World Domination thing, you afraid of the big leagues? The Monarch: Please. How stupid do I look to you? World Domination. I'll leave that to the religious nuts or the Republicans, thank you.
	Unknown Episode: Brock Samson: Don't you have nothing else to do but harp on Dr. Venture? Why haven't you tried the World Domination thing, you afraid of the big leagues? The Monarch: Please. How stupid do I look to you? World Domination. I'll leave that to the religious nuts or the Republicans, thank you.
	Unknown Episode: The Monarch: What? Think this is gay huh? Is that what you fucking said you scrawny peice of shit? Oh this isn't gay. But King Gorilla over there is! And I bet he can't wait to snap off a peice of your dick in his ass! [points to Dean] You! Get up! I said get the fuck up! What's your name? Dean Venture: Dean Ven... The Monarch: [shouts] Your name is bitch! And I own you. You're property! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame... King Gorilla! You got a cigerette? [King Gorilla hands him one] There! I just sold you for a cigarette! And I don't smoke! [realizes who Dean is] Holy shit! You're Dean-Fucking-Venture! King, I've gotta buy my bitch back. Here's your cigarette. King Gorilla: Fuck you. Gimme a dollar!
	Unknown Episode: The Monarch: What? Think this is gay huh? Is that what you fucking said you scrawny peice of shit? Oh this isn't gay. But King Gorilla over there is! And I bet he can't wait to snap off a peice of your dick in his ass! [points to Dean] You! Get up! I said get the fuck up! What's your name? Dean Venture: Dean Ven... The Monarch: [shouts] Your name is bitch! And I own you. You're property! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame... King Gorilla! You got a cigerette? [King Gorilla hands him one] There! I just sold you for a cigarette! And I don't smoke! [realizes who Dean is] Holy shit! You're Dean-Fucking-Venture! King, I've gotta buy my bitch back. Here's your cigarette. King Gorilla: Fuck you. Gimme a dollar!

« previous1next »

Previous: Hank Venture

Next: Dr. Girlfriend

» Back to The Venture Bros. TV Show