Hank Venture

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Played by:

Christopher McCulloch

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Hank Venture Quotes

	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Blood of the Father, Heart of Steel Hank Venture: [runs up and hugs Brock, who is in a S.P.H.I.N.X. uniform] Why are you here? Why are you wearing that? Why didn't you say goodbye to me? Why didn't you... Brock Samson: Hank, Hank! Listen, buddy. You have to trust me. You can't tell anybody we were here, this is our little secret. Hank Venture: Why did you leave me? Brock Samson: Hank, I'll never leave you. But right now these guys need me a little more. You can share me, Hank, can't you? I mean, look how big you've gotten! I can barely get my hands around these shoulders! Sergeant Hatred: [Offscreen, coming up the hill] Hank! Hank! Hank Venture: I'm over here! It's okay, I'm with- [Turns to find Brock gone] Sergeant Hatred: [Picks up the knife Brock used to kill the Hitler dog] Hank, did you kill Hitler? Hank Venture: No, it was... it was an angel.
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Blood of the Father, Heart of Steel Hank Venture: [runs up and hugs Brock, who is in a S.P.H.I.N.X. uniform] Why are you here? Why are you wearing that? Why didn't you say goodbye to me? Why didn't you... Brock Samson: Hank, Hank! Listen, buddy. You have to trust me. You can't tell anybody we were here, this is our little secret. Hank Venture: Why did you leave me? Brock Samson: Hank, I'll never leave you. But right now these guys need me a little more. You can share me, Hank, can't you? I mean, look how big you've gotten! I can barely get my hands around these shoulders! Sergeant Hatred: [Offscreen, coming up the hill] Hank! Hank! Hank Venture: I'm over here! It's okay, I'm with- [Turns to find Brock gone] Sergeant Hatred: [Picks up the knife Brock used to kill the Hitler dog] Hank, did you kill Hitler? Hank Venture: No, it was... it was an angel.
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - I Know Why the Caged Bird Kills Dean Venture: You're not our mom! You just can't be! Hank Venture: On account of the crazy. Myra Brandish: Search your feelings boys; you know it to be true. So true. Myra Brandish: Funny how it seems, always on time, but never in line for dreams. Hank Venture: Okay, we're losin' her again. Myra Brandish: I bought a ticket to the world, but now I've come back again! Hank Venture: If you're supposed to be our mom, then why you got us tied up, huh? People only do that when they wanna kill us. Dean Venture: Or hold us for ransom. Hank Venture: Or touch us inappropriately. Dean Venture: What? When? That never... Hank Venture: Sergeant Hatred? What, did you block that out? Oh, no, wait - you were passed out from the wine. Most of it was awful; trust me.
	Season 2 / Episode 9: - Guess Who’s Coming to State Dinner? Abraham Lincoln: Microchip! Microchip! Infused to the back of Colonel Manstrong's neck. His mother is using it to control him and he's going to assassinate the president! Dean Venture: I don't know, that sounds kinda far fetched. Hank Venture: [to Dean] Thanks. I'm glad you said it first. Abraham Lincoln: [stops raving frantically after hearing Hank] Far fetched? Didn't either of you see the 'Manchurian Candidate'? Not even the remake with Denzel? I've been dead for seven score years and even I... Hank Venture: [Quietly, to Dean] Who is this guy again? Abraham Lincoln: [Interrupting loudly and irritated] ABRAHAM LINCOLN! 16th President of the United States? C'mon you're kidding me! Dean Venture: [to Hank] Yeah, haven't you learned anything in bed? Abraham Lincoln: [Irritated and rubbing his temples] Alright, how about this: I'm the five-dollar bill guy... Hank Venture: [Excitedly] You invented the five-dollar bill? Abraham Lincoln: [Sarcastically agreeing] That's right, Hank. Yes I did. [burying his face in his hand as to appear he's given up on Hank; looks to Dean] Dean, you seem to have a bit more on the ball here. Would you mind being able to help me? For the Union?
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Fallen Arches Hank Venture: Oh, no! We just killed your girlfriend! Dean Venture: She's my girlfriend? Hank Venture: Probably. Before we killed her.
	Season 2 / Episode 7: - Love-Bheits Hank Venture: I am the Bat! Dr. Venture: Yes, yes. You're THE BAT! And THE BAT is the reason why we didn't take Best Group Costume... again! Last year, it was Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion, and THE BAT! Oh, and how about the time we were the hard-rocking quartet of Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley, and THE BAT? Hank Venture: The night is mine.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Victor. Echo. November. Dean Venture: Hank, are you even close to finis... [sees Hank is dressed as Batman] Dad! Dr. Venture: [enters] Dean, you smell like a whore. [Dean points at Hank] What's the...? Oh, not agai... Brock! Hank Venture: What? You said to put on your best outfit. Dr. Venture: Outfit, Hank. Not costume! Brock Samson: [enters] What the f...? Dean Venture: Well, I guess you can't come. Right? Hank can't come? Dr. Venture: Nice try, Dean.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - 20 Years to Midnight The Grand Inquisitor: [shouts] Earthman! I have traveled from an incredibly distant star to observe the ways of your planet! Hank Venture: [about the volume of the Inquisitor's voice] Aw, I can feel it in my Joanies! The Grand Inquisitor: [shouts] You have the honor of representing your entire race as my sample subject! Dr. Venture: [whispers] Brock? There's a twelve-foot man in our pool pointing a beam at my head. Do something? The Grand Inquisitor: [shouts] Whispering is futile! The Grand Galactic Inquisitor hears all! Sees all! Dr. Venture: Look, we don't have time for this, okay? We're on a very tight... The Grand Inquisitor: [shouts] Do not speak to me! Do not alter your normal human behavior in any way! You know not the elaborate criteria by which you are to be judged! Ignore my presence and go about your Earthly business! Dr. Venture: [sighs]
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - 20 Years to Midnight Dr. Jonas Venture: [From a video screen] Hello, Rusty! It's your father. Dean Venture: It's Grandpa! He's alive! Hank Venture: [leans in to the screen] And trapped... In the Phantom Zone! Hank Venture: I was just kidding. Jeez, I'm not a 'tard. Dr. Jonas Venture: I knew you'd find this tape. You were always such a little video buff. Dr. Venture: Once! I told him once I wanted to make videos. Next thing you know, every holiday, it's cameras, how-to books... Hank Venture: So, yeah, pop? I've been meaning to tell you: I'm not really that into neckerchiefs. Dean Venture: You wear them well! Dr. Venture: Shh! Wait. Shh! What'd he say? Go back! Dr. Jonas Venture: What I have to tell you is a matter of the gravest importance, Rusty. It has to do with those mysterious deep-space radio signals. You know! The ones I received back when you were just a boy? Dr. Jonas Venture: [flasback sequence] What... does it mean? Young Rusty: [jumping around on the floor] You can't walk on the red ones 'cause they're lava! Dr. Jonas Venture: Shh! Rusty, please! Dr. Jonas Venture: Well, after ten long years, I've finally translated the broadcasts! I found something extraordinary! A message from far across time and space, addressed to me, personally! It has to do with my latest invention, the greatest of my career, or anyone's, which I completed only a week ago! Dr. Venture: Mmm! Cha-ching! Turn it up, I smell money! Dr. Jonas Venture: They warned me that mankind was still too immature to be trusted with it! They told me to dismantle it before it got into the wrong hands! But they also told me that the fate of the planet hinged upon my being activated once. That's why I've scattered the main components in secret locations across the globe! So no one... Dr. Jonas Venture: Someone's coming! They know! Dr. Jonas Venture: Ha ha ha! False alarm! Okay, get a pen.
	Season 1 / Episode 13: - The Trial of the Monarch Dean Venture: I'll be sleeping in a room right next to Triana. And then she'll hear, like, thunder or something, and she'll run into my room all scared and stuff. And I'll be like, "Hush, my darling. It's just ionized air molecules expanding." And she'll be like, "Oh, hold me." And then I'll, like... Hank Venture: Dude! If we stay here, that means that we'll be Dr. Orpheus's kids. And that means Triana will be your sister. And that means you two will have extra-retard babies.
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - Past Tense Brock Samson: Something big is going down, this place is crawling with Strangers. Hank Venture: Well, you can't expect to know everybody! Brock Samson: No, Hank... Strangers are undercover Guild operatives. Dean Venture: We gotta warn Pop! Brock Samson: No, Dean. This is guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild works clean, professional, and surgical. In a way, they're the only organization I still respect. Hank Venture: [dramatically] And they kill clean! Don't let dames get in the way! Brock Samson: [turning to Hank] Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read! Dean Venture: It's weird, right? Brock Samson: It's like he channels dead crazy people! Hank Venture: [worried] Do you think it's a cry for help?
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - Midlife Chrysalis The Monarch: I don't think I'm the one in danger here... considering the sad fact that right below you flows the MIGHTY AMAZON - teeming with the most GRUESOME fish to ever... Hank Venture: [interrupting] The piranha! The Monarch: No. Hank Venture: The shark? The Monarch: No! Hank Venture: ...The piranha! The Monarch: NO! And shut up! This isn't a quiz.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Ice Station - Impossible! Dr. Venture: I have something to show you all! Those of you with weak stomachs should leave now! What you are about to see is a nightmare, inexplicably torn from the pages of Kafka! Hank Venture: Holy crap! What happened? Dr. Venture: Apparently this is the reward I get for years of screwing with super-science. In short, I pissed in God's eye - and He blinked. Hank Venture: [pokes Dr. Venture] Golly, does it hurt? Dr. Venture: No. But the poking does, let's stop that now. Hank Venture: Sorry. Hey, what's H.E.L.P.eR. gotten into? Dr. Venture: That appears to be my dermis. Hank Venture: Wow! Bet if you put that under your pillow, the Tooth Fairy'll give you, like, a grand! Dr. Venture: Okay, Hank? You are taking this way too well. Hank Venture: Well, gee Dad, we've seen a lot of strange stuff over the years. Last week we were fighting a giant dinosaur! Dr. Venture: Granted, but I wasn't the dinosaur! Can't you see where this is maybe different?
	Season 1 / Episode 7: - Ghosts of the Sargasso Hank Venture: Brock, I've thought a lot about it, and if we can't get the antidote in time, and it comes down to it, I - well, I want you to be the one to kill me Brock Samson: Don't talk like that, Hank. We're gonna fi... Hank Venture: Promise me, Brock! Brock Samson: OK. Hank Venture: Promise? Brock Samson: Yes, I promise. Hank Venture: Super swear? Brock Samson: Yes, Hank! Hank Venture: Hey, Brock? Brock Samson: [sighs] Yeah? Hank Venture: How would you do it? Brock Samson: You're asleep, quick jerk of the neck, never feel a thing. Hank Venture: You've thought about this. Brock Samson: Yes, I have.
	Season 1 / Episode 7: - Ghosts of the Sargasso Hank Venture: Dude, what is with you? Why are you so calm about this? Dean Venture: Because Hank, we're not just any poor suckers... we're the Venture Brothers! Our dad's a supergenius with, like, chemistry stuff. He can fix this, no prob! Brock Samson: Dean, we don't even know where your dad is; he's sequestered in some secret think-tank, and this is... well, this is kinda out of his league, honestly. Dean Venture: We're all gonna die!
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Eeny, Meeny, Miney... Magic Brock Samson: Whatever you do, Hank, don't light a cigarette. A good sniper can see a hot cherry for miles. Hank Venture: Brock, I don't smoke. Brock Samson: Good. Now's a lousy time to start.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The Incredible Mr. Brisby Hank Venture: Dude! She totally digs you! Dean Venture: You think? Hank Venture: No.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The Incredible Mr. Brisby Hank Venture: [Attempting to wake up Brock in his room by shaking his arm] G'mornin', Brock... Brock Samson: [Wakes with an involuntary choke hold on Hank, sees that it's Hank and drops him] Hank... you alright? Hank Venture: [recuperating on the floor] I think I will be. Brock Samson: [regains his stoic posture] Hank, ya gotta quit sneakin' up on me like that.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Home Insecurity Hank Venture: Check out the elephants! Dean Venture: You can tell which are the males, because they're the ones with tusks. Hank Venture: Dude, I got no problem telling which are male. Check out the fifth leg on that one! Dean Venture: It's called "a trunk." Hank Venture: It's called "you're a spaz," and that ain't what i'm talkin' about!
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Dia de los Dangerous Hank Venture: Wuss! Dean Venture: Knock it off! Hank Venture: Wuss! Dean Venture: Knock it off! Dr. Venture: Boys! for the last time, stop! Brock is trying to drive. Brock Samson: [to boys] I'm cool. Hank Venture, Dean Venture: [at each other] He started it! Dr. Venture: No, I started it years ago in a moment of passion, and I'll end it the same way, right here, in front of Brock, H.E.L.P.eR., and God!
	Unknown Episode: Hank Venture: What happened? I thought I picked rock. Dean Venture: So did I! Dr. Venture: And I picked two beautiful kidneys! I feel freakin' amazing!
	Unknown Episode: Dean Venture: Good thinking, bro'a'mine. And I thought I was supposed to be the smart one Hank Venture: Ma Venture didn't raise no fools Dean Venture: W-We don't have a mom, Hank...
	Unknown Episode: Dean Venture: Good thinking, bro'a'mine. And I thought I was supposed to be the smart one Hank Venture: Ma Venture didn't raise no fools Dean Venture: W-We don't have a mom, Hank...
	Unknown Episode: Hank Venture: Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!
	Unknown Episode: Hank Venture: Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!
	Unknown Episode: Brock Samson: After the twist, you'll feel a snap and the body goes ragdoll on you. Hank Venture: And that will knock him out... even more? Brock Samson: That will kill him. Hank Venture: Do I have to? Brock Samson: Alright, fine crybaby. Tie him up and, I guess, gag him. But at the first sign of trouble I want you to at least break both his knees.
	Unknown Episode: Brock Samson: After the twist, you'll feel a snap and the body goes ragdoll on you. Hank Venture: And that will knock him out... even more? Brock Samson: That will kill him. Hank Venture: Do I have to? Brock Samson: Alright, fine crybaby. Tie him up and, I guess, gag him. But at the first sign of trouble I want you to at least break both his knees.
	Unknown Episode: Dean Venture: Hank! I had my pubes shaved. I'm gonna put them under the pillow for the tooth fairy! Hank Venture: Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours? Dr. Venture: Hank, don't brag to your brother about your circumcision.
	Unknown Episode: Dean Venture: Hank! I had my pubes shaved. I'm gonna put them under the pillow for the tooth fairy! Hank Venture: Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours? Dr. Venture: Hank, don't brag to your brother about your circumcision.
	Unknown Episode: Brock Samson: Now, Hank, touch your throat. That tube you feel is your trachea. Think of it as your handle. That thing your thumb is on is your carotid artery. Think of it as your button. I want you to grab the handle, push the button. Can you repeat that, Hank? Hank Venture: [gasping] Grab the handle, push the button. Brock Samson: Let go of your own throat, Hank.

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