bombadier
andyroo
 | Season 4 / Episode 7: - Series 4, Episode 7 Stewart Pearson: I've spent ten years detoxifying this party. It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of cunts. |
| Season 4 / Episode 7: - Series 4, Episode 7 Malcolm Tucker: I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high. What you're gonna see is a master class in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. "There he goes!", they'll say. No friends - no *real* friends. No children, no glory, no memoirs. Well, fuck them. |
| Season 4 / Episode 7: - Series 4, Episode 7 Malcolm Tucker: You know Jackie fucking Chan about me. You know fuck all about me! I am totally beyond the realms of your fuckin' tousle-haired fuckin' dim-witted compre-fucking-hension. I don't just take this fucking job home, you know! I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fuckin' fucks me from arsehole to breakfast! Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of piss slammed in my face, slaps me about the chops to make sure I'm awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body. "Malcolm!", it's gone, you can't know Malcolm because Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk, I am a fucking host for this fucking job. Do you want this job? Yes? You do fucking want this job? Then you're gonna have to swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 8: - Series 3, Episode 8 Steve Fleming: I'm gonna join Dan Miller's cabal and then we are gonna take you down, down to Funky Town! Funky Town Central, here we come! Choo-fucking-choo! |
| Season 3 / Episode 8: - Series 3, Episode 8 Peter Mannion: I have a feeling management style has just gone from touchy-feely to smashy-testes. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 6: - Series 3, Episode 6 Malcolm Tucker: [responding to Terri's accusations of being wrong] How fucking dare you? Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets that contain my living, breathing fucking brain. Terri Coverley: Malcolm, I'm really sorry. I... Malcolm Tucker: And these crisp packets, cheese and onion, smoky bacon, have been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! Ben, fucking Nicola... Terri Coverley: I didn't mean to be horrid. Malcolm Tucker: And fucking you! Terri Coverley: I'm sorry. Malcolm Tucker: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Terri Coverley: I'm sorry. Malcolm Tucker: No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise. Don't you fucking apologise. You don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do. I mean, fucking, compared to Number 10, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean, it's like a fucking cancer ward. I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They are screaming, "You gave me this fucking disease." "You gave me this fucking disease." And every corner that I turn there's another threat, Terri. Hacks, hacks, fucking vampire hacks. And they're slaughtering us, Terri. They are fucking slaughtering us and they want my face for a flannel! And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri. I used to be the fucking pharaoh. Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit. But I am going to fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah? Terri Coverley: Good idea. Malcolm Tucker: I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah? Terri Coverley: Yeah. Malcolm Tucker: How are you feeling about things? Terri Coverley: Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by 6:00. Do you want a huggle? Malcolm Tucker: No, I think... That's nice of you. I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat but I have to get on. Let's get back on track. Oliver Reeder: [after Tukcer leaves] What did he say? Terri Coverley: I don't know. It was all about ancient Egypt. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 5: - Series 3, Episode 5 Janice: And it all goes out live, so absolutely no swearing. Nicola Murray: No swearing? Now we can all thank our fucky stars for that. |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Series 3, Episode 5 Oliver Reeder: Let's make the mood a bit nicer, a bit sexier [turns out the lamp] . Emma Messinger: Sorry, Ollie, I need that light. Oliver Reeder: Sorry, I was just being romantic. Like I was ordered to by the Romance Nazi. |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Series 3, Episode 5 Malcolm Tucker: [on the phone] No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is. I'm gonna enjoy myself here, listening to this Murray/Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat-cat's story breaking, so the Opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. Sam: [Sam comes in with a box] Happy Birthday Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker: Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Is this my new anal beads? OK, this has been X-Rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get a fucking present bomb in the face. [opens the box. inside is a cake with "Happy Birthday C*nt" written on it] . This could be from anyone. [reads the card that says "Love. The Prime Minister"] It's from Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke. He wonders why we don't let him out in public. |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Series 3, Episode 5 Emma Messinger: [turns on the radio] I gotta listen to this Richard Bacon thing. Oliver Reeder: Talk radio! Sexy! Don't worry, I've done some of my best shagging to Caesar the Geezer. Emma Messinger: Could you just stop talking shit for a second so we could listen to your boss talking shit? Oliver Reeder: You know when your mom walked out, you think maybe it wasn't just about your dad? |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Series 3, Episode 5 Peter Mannion: Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Series 3, Episode 5 Malcolm Tucker: Fuck me! This is like a clown running across a minefield! |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Series 3, Episode 5 Malcolm Tucker: [on the phone to Glenn] Are you producing porno now for the visually impared? Glenn Cullen: What? Malcolm Tucker: Because what's happening here on the radio is Nicola Murray getting roundly fucked. What is it, bukake at bedtime? |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Series 3, Episode 5 Peter Mannion: We need to say No to the Nanny State. Boo to Nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sence. |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Series 3, Episode 5 Glenn Cullen: Oh, hello. Nice dinner? Emma Messinger: Fuck off, bagpuss. |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Series 3, Episode 5 Peter Mannion: And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once refered to as the Gorbals Goebbels. |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Series 3, Episode 5 Malcolm Tucker: That's your fucking career over, right? Okay, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, "Tim in Ruislip", are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. [IMITATES HAMMERING] Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking... Janice: Yeah, okay, can you stop fucking saying that, please? Malcolm Tucker: ...fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip. If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh? |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Series 3, Episode 5 Malcolm Tucker: Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. Stewart Pearson: Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? Malcolm Tucker: That was her own personal choice and by the way, it wasn't his. Stewart Pearson: Wow! So him paying for that private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? Malcolm Tucker: He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at central planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your common sense checklist, yeah. All they need is a good slap, and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! Stewart Pearson: You go check your facts, Malcolm, that was a domestic accident and nothing more. Malcolm Tucker: Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! Stewart Pearson: Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now, I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? Malcolm Tucker: Oh! Please, please! Stewart Pearson: Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? Malcolm Tucker: Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I have got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking rainy day to show everyone, which is a photograph of your fucking shadow chancellor at one of his fucking parties dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders and fucking blackface! What's his defence going to be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? "Oh, well, I am just de shadow chancellor." Stewart Pearson: Malcolm, he won't have a defence because you haven't got that picture because that didn't happen. Malcolm Tucker: I have! Stewart Pearson: However, I do have a statement from a rent boy... Malcolm Tucker: Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? Stewart Pearson: Oh, yeah, funny, very funny. Malcolm Tucker: And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the fucking perks of the job? Stewart Pearson: No, listen, his statement says he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to shit on his chest. Malcolm Tucker: Don't! Stewart Pearson: Right, look, this is out of order, okay? Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. Malcolm Tucker: You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? Stewart Pearson: What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSAC to fatten him up, we're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker: We should just go home. Stewart Pearson: We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. Malcolm Tucker: I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Series 3, Episode 5 Malcolm Tucker: Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. Stewart Pearson: Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? Malcolm Tucker: That was her own personal choice and, by the way, it wasn't his. Stewart Pearson: Wow! So him paying for that private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? Malcolm Tucker: He is a nice man. What about your nice man at central planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your common sense checklist, yeah. All they need is a good slap, and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! Stewart Pearson: You go check your facts, Malcolm, that was a domestic accident and nothing more. Malcolm Tucker: Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! Stewart Pearson: Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now, I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? Malcolm Tucker: Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I have got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking rainy day to show everyone, which is a photograph of your fucking shadow chancellor at one of his fucking parties dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders and fucking blackface! What's his defence going to be, hey, when I email that to the fucking "Sun"? [mockingly] "Oh, well, I am just de shadow chancellor." Stewart Pearson: Malcolm, he won't have a defence because you haven't got that picture because that didn't happen. Malcolm Tucker: I have! Stewart Pearson: However, I do have a statement from a rent boy... Malcolm Tucker: Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? Stewart Pearson: Oh, yeah, funny, very funny. Malcolm Tucker: And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the fucking perks of the job? Stewart Pearson: No, listen, his statement says he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to shit on his chest. Malcolm Tucker: Don't! Stewart Pearson: Right, look, this is out of order, okay? Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. Malcolm Tucker: You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? Stewart Pearson: What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSAC to fatten him up, we're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker: We should just go home. Stewart Pearson: We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. Malcolm Tucker: I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. Stewart Pearson: That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 4: - Series 3, Episode 4 Oliver Reeder: What happened to Terri? She looks like a female-impersonator. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Series 3, Episode 4 Emma Messinger: I wonder if we'd get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working. Phil Smith: Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. [Scottish accent] I'm going to rip out your bladder and wear it as a bandana. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Series 3, Episode 4 Peter Mannion: Morning comrades! How's the revolution? Tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Series 3, Episode 4 Phil Smith: Stewart's very keen on using our visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise. Peter Mannion: Well, I'm very keen on using Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, doesn't mean I'd do it. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Series 3, Episode 4 Malcolm Tucker: When the Opposition's here, ou tell them nothing except where the toilets are, and you lie about that. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 3: - Series 3, Episode 3 Malcolm Tucker: [on the phone] We need to pursuade Matt Delany not to cross the floor. I think we should use "The Carrot and The Stick" approach - you take the carrot and you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot. |
| Season 3 / Episode 3: - Series 3, Episode 3 Glenn Cullen: Ah, you got past mad conference security, then. Nicola Murray: It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a t-shirt saying "I heart bombing Israel". |
| Season 3 / Episode 3: - Series 3, Episode 3 Glenn Cullen: Listen, John, on the outside chance she might just prefer to meet a human being, I'm going down with you. Oliver Reeder: Good idea. You could buy her a coffee. You could buy her a collapse-achino. John Duggan: Might bring back memories of her Latte husband. As in late husband. [to Ollie] Like Dick and Dom, aren't we? Great chemistry. Glenn Cullen: Except neither one of you are Doms. |
| Season 3 / Episode 3: - Series 3, Episode 3 Terri Coverley: I heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. |
| Season 3 / Episode 3: - Series 3, Episode 3 Malcolm Tucker: [on the phone to the PM] I'm sorry, cheif, there's no way I can spin this health stats stuff, they're fucked. We'll have to put something else in the speech. Yeah, I don't know. Uhm... What about the missus? Can we bring her out again? Well, she basically has that thing of appearing to be a normal human being, that seems to play well. |
| Season 3 / Episode 3: - Series 3, Episode 3 Glenn Cullen: Are you in on this? John Duggan: Oh, no, I'm just obeying orders. Like a Nazi guard, but in a non-gassy way. |
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