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Hugh Abbot Quotes
 | Season 2 / Episode 2: - Episode 02 Hugh Abbot: Good morning. Robyn Murdoch: Good morning, Minister. Hugh Abbot: Just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? The Big One? First one? Robyn Murdoch: Into the lion's den. The viper's pit. Hugh Abbot: The belly of the beast. The lair of the white worm. Oliver Reeder: The eye of the snake. [all stare at him] Hugh Abbot: Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30's, so it's great that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. Oliver Reeder: Absolutely. If you were doing this at the Department of Enviorment and Rural Affairs, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, probably at Coffee Republic. Hugh Abbot: Covered in piss. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 2: - Spinners and Losers Hugh Abbot: Good morning. Robyn Murdoch: Good morning, Minister. Hugh Abbot: Just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? The Big One? First one? Robyn Murdoch: Into the lion's den. The viper's pit. Hugh Abbot: The belly of the beast. The lair of the white worm. Oliver Reeder: The eye of the snake. [all stare at him] Hugh Abbot: Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30's, so it's great that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. Oliver Reeder: Absolutely. If you were doing this at the Department of Enviorment and Rural Affairs, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, probably at Coffee Republic. Hugh Abbot: Covered in piss. |
| Season 2 / Episode 2: - Episode 02 Malcolm Tucker: Hughey? Hugh Abbot: Just thought you'd like to know as soon as possible. Terry's dad? Malcolm Tucker: Yeah? Hugh Abbot: No news. Malcolm Tucker: So, you've come to talk about the reshuffle, then? Hugh Abbot: Yeah. In terms of shuffley stuff, how's Neil? Is his heart...? Malcolm Tucker: Have you not heard? He's paralised. Neil's on wheels. He's a vegetable. Hugh Abbot: Oh, dear. Malcolm Tucker: Mind you, that means you could have his department. Hugh Abbot: Oh, you ARE kidding. Fuck you very much. Malcolm Tucker: I know you're looking for mouth-to-mouth on the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it and even the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak. |
| Season 2 / Episode 2: - Spinners and Losers Malcolm Tucker: Hughey? Hugh Abbot: Just thought you'd like to know as soon as possible. Terry's dad? Malcolm Tucker: Yeah? Hugh Abbot: No news. Malcolm Tucker: So, you've come to talk about the reshuffle, then? Hugh Abbot: Yeah. In terms of shuffley stuff, how's Neil? Is his heart...? Malcolm Tucker: Have you not heard? He's paralised. Neil's on wheels. He's a vegetable. Hugh Abbot: Oh, dear. Malcolm Tucker: Mind you, that means you could have his department. Hugh Abbot: Oh, you ARE kidding. Fuck you very much. Malcolm Tucker: I know you're looking for mouth-to-mouth on the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it and even the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak. |
| Season 2 / Episode 2: - Episode 02 Hugh Abbot: [arguing about Hugh remaining in the dark on the 8:30's situation] Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! Glenn Cullen: Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything! Hugh Abbot: Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out from the fucking press that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up the gallbladder by a bald man? |
| Season 2 / Episode 2: - Spinners and Losers Hugh Abbot: [arguing about Hugh remaining in the dark on the 8:30's situation] Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! Glenn Cullen: Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything! Hugh Abbot: Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out from the fucking press that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up the gallbladder by a bald man? |
| Season 2 / Episode 2: - Episode 02 Malcolm Tucker: Alright, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? Blue-sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist? He's being a nuisance to me, he's also got plans of squizzing your department so hard, you'll be lucky to be left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I'm doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk? Hugh Abbot: Circle jerk? Oliver Reeder: Alot of guys in a circle, all, you know... Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably? Malcolm Tucker: [to Glenn] Tony Mack in the Lobby, you know him, right? Call him, now. Tell him that you're getting that Nicholson is gonna get Foreign Sec in the reshuffle. Glenn Cullen: [on the phone] Tony! Hi! How's it dangling, yeah? Listen, I just want to run something past you. I wonder if you're hearing what, you know, I've been hearing, that Nicholson's gonna be getting Foreign Sec. Malcolm Tucker: Hugh, who is your top mate in the commenteria? Hugh Abbot: Colin Sykes. Malcolm Tucker: Colin Sykes? That's your top mate? Call him up! Hugh Abbot: [on the phone] Hi, Colin! It's Hugh Abbot speaking, how are you? Got a decent back hand yet? Hugh, Hugh Abbot, we played tennis together. Yeah, yeah! Glenn Cullen: [on the phone] I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary. Next thing we know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments. Hugh Abbot: [on the phone] Foreign Secretary is exactly where he should be, he's a smart guy. I think at one point I called him a dog rapist. [Tucker's phone rings] Malcolm Tucker: [on the phone] Cath! I don't know where it's come from, I've been getting it as well! Stonewall them, ok? I'll talk to the boss! [hangs up] And now I'm gonna phone the Prime Minister of Great Britain. [on the phone] Allright, boss? Yeah, look, I'm really sorry to interrupt you, but we're getting hit on the blind side here! Stuff about Julius Nicholson? Cath's and I phones are both white hot. Stuff about him becoming Foreign Sec! Am I out of the loop here? Well, person that's most likely to be getting his mates to put this kind of stuff around is Julius Nicholson. You put so much hope in them, they always let you down. I think maybe Julius needs to have his wings clipped a wee bit, you know. Do you wanna do it? I think you're right, I think it's better if I just had a little chat. I'll see you in the morning. Night. [hangs up] Fucking brilliant! Eight missed messages! Sleep lightly. |
| Season 2 / Episode 2: - Spinners and Losers Malcolm Tucker: Alright, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? Blue-sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist? He's being a nuisance to me, he's also got plans of squizzing your department so hard, you'll be lucky to be left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I'm doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk? Hugh Abbot: Circle jerk? Oliver Reeder: Alot of guys in a circle, all, you know... Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably? Malcolm Tucker: [to Glenn] Tony Mack in the Lobby, you know him, right? Call him, now. Tell him that you're getting that Nicholson is gonna get Foreign Sec in the reshuffle. Glenn Cullen: [on the phone] Tony! Hi! How's it dangling, yeah? Listen, I just want to run something past you. I wonder if you're hearing what, you know, I've been hearing, that Nicholson's gonna be getting Foreign Sec. Malcolm Tucker: Hugh, who is your top mate in the commenteria? Hugh Abbot: Colin Sykes. Malcolm Tucker: Colin Sykes? That's your top mate? Call him up! Hugh Abbot: [on the phone] Hi, Colin! It's Hugh Abbot speaking, how are you? Got a decent back hand yet? Hugh, Hugh Abbot, we played tennis together. Yeah, yeah! Glenn Cullen: [on the phone] I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary. Next thing we know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments. Hugh Abbot: [on the phone] Foreign Secretary is exactly where he should be, he's a smart guy. I think at one point I called him a dog rapist. [Tucker's phone rings] Malcolm Tucker: [on the phone] Cath! I don't know where it's come from, I've been getting it as well! Stonewall them, ok? I'll talk to the boss! [hangs up] And now I'm gonna phone the Prime Minister of Great Britain. [on the phone] Allright, boss? Yeah, look, I'm really sorry to interrupt you, but we're getting hit on the blind side here! Stuff about Julius Nicholson? Cath's and I phones are both white hot. Stuff about him becoming Foreign Sec! Am I out of the loop here? Well, person that's most likely to be getting his mates to put this kind of stuff around is Julius Nicholson. You put so much hope in them, they always let you down. I think maybe Julius needs to have his wings clipped a wee bit, you know. Do you wanna do it? I think you're right, I think it's better if I just had a little chat. I'll see you in the morning. Night. [hangs up] Fucking brilliant! Eight missed messages! Sleep lightly. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 1: - Episode 01 Glenn Cullen: [about Ollie being seconded to Nr.10 for a week] They only want him to make Cappucinos. Hugh Abbot: He does it very well. I think it's the way you waggle your finger so hard in the milk. Oliver Reeder: Yeah, you think it's my finger, bitch. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 1: - Rise of the Nutters Glenn Cullen: [about Ollie being seconded to Nr.10 for a week] They only want him to make Cappucinos. Hugh Abbot: He does it very well. I think it's the way you waggle your finger so hard in the milk. Oliver Reeder: Yeah, you think it's my finger, bitch. |
| Season 2 / Episode 1: - Episode 01 Hugh Abbot: Have you, though? Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? Glenn Cullen: No, I never knew my mother, as you know. Hugh Abbot: Sorry. Have you ever cleaned up your step-mother's piss? Glenn Cullen: No, I never cleaned her piss, it wasn't that kind of relationship. Hugh Abbot: I've done Alicia's piss... And then Charlie's piss, loads and loads of it. You know, it's only piss. She was going on like it's toxic waist or something... What's a bit of piss? |
| Season 2 / Episode 1: - Rise of the Nutters Hugh Abbot: Have you, though? Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? Glenn Cullen: No, I never knew my mother, as you know. Hugh Abbot: Sorry. Have you ever cleaned up your step-mother's piss? Glenn Cullen: No, I never cleaned her piss, it wasn't that kind of relationship. Hugh Abbot: I've done Alicia's piss... And then Charlie's piss, loads and loads of it. You know, it's only piss. She was going on like it's toxic waist or something... What's a bit of piss? |
| Season 2 / Episode 1: - Episode 01 Hugh Abbot: [to Oliver] Morning studmuffin, enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue... pussy? |
| Season 2 / Episode 1: - Rise of the Nutters Hugh Abbot: [to Oliver] Morning studmuffin, enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue... pussy? |
 | Season 1 / Episode 3: - Episode 03 Malcolm Tucker: It IS possible to have a good resignation, you know! Hugh Abbot: "A good resignation"? Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell THIS to me! Malcolm Tucker: Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they get to the point when they sitting round in pubs and say "Oh, that fucker's got to go!", you surprise them! "Blimey, he's gone! I didn't expect that! Resigned! You don't see THAT much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!" How about that, ah? What a way to go! Yeah! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 1: - Episode 01 Hugh Abbot: [on the phone, fter the Snooper Force announcement] Malcolm! Malcolm Tucker: What the fuck was that? Was this the whole Snooper Force thing from you? Hugh Abbot: Malcolm, I've talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. He gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury. Malcolm Tucker: Don't you realise, we have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about? Hugh Abbot: I can hear that you are, as your usual, upset. Malcolm Tucker: I'll tell you why I am upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at the Treasury, these people, they are so paranoid! If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them on e-mail, they think you've started a palace coup! Hugh Abbot: Malcolm... Malcolm Tucker: You don't seem to understand that I am gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister actually say to you? Hugh Abbot: He actually said this is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing. Malcolm Tucker: What did he actually say? Hugh Abbot: He said this is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing. Malcolm Tucker: 'SHOULD' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. |
| Season 1 / Episode 1: - Episode 01 Hugh Abbot: 'Should', does it mean 'yes'? Glenn Cullen: Yes, "we should do this". Hugh Abbot: When Tucker was talking to me 'should' didn't mean 'yes'. I mean it really didn't. I felt like a fool. |
| Season 1 / Episode 1: - Episode 01 Malcolm Tucker: I'm hacked off, mate. Hugh Abbot: But we killed it, it's killed. Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, "but once you start the fire, Malc, and we didn't start the fire, it's always burning since the world's been turning" et cetera, et cetera... Hugh Abbot: So... Malcolm, you're not making any sence. Malcolm Tucker: Prime Minister, obviously, he's on the plane in Stokholm, someone hits him with The World At One. He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one so he... he stuck with the story. Hugh Abbot: He liked it? Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. Hugh Abbot: Oh, right! We shouldn't really then... You shouldn't really have told us to... Should you? Malcolm Tucker: Don't should me, Hugh, 'cause I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window! None of this should be happening, should it? Should it? Hugh Abbot: Is that "should" in a sence of "yes"? Malcolm Tucker: It's "should" in a sence "you should do as you're fucking told"! Hugh Abbot: So what are we gonna do now? Malcolm Tucker: You're gonna completely reverse your position. Hugh Abbot: Hang on a second... Malcolm... That's not gonna be easy. That's gonna be quite hard. Malcolm Tucker: Well, the announcement you didn't make today - you did. Hugh Abbot: No, I didn't. And there were television cameras there while I was not doing it. Malcolm Tucker: Fuck them. Hugh Abbot: I'm not sure what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on. Malcolm Tucker: Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't REALLY believe that you said it, they know that you never said it, but it's in their interest to say that you said it, because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. Hugh Abbot: Yeah, I am following this, I just... Malcolm Tucker: I had a friend who used to indulge in extra-marital affairs, ok? He'd go off and he'd have some dalliance and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did that is inside his head turn a little switch - the affair never happened, ok? |
| Season 1 / Episode 1: - Episode 01 Hugh Abbot: I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't wanna see this guy ever again. Glenn Cullen: On what grounds? Hugh Abbot: Smiling! Innapropriate smiling! And smirking! Smiling and smirking! I don't wanna see that smile or smirk ever again, ok? |
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