The State Quotes

The State

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Episode 206 Dad: You want to be treated like a man then start acting like one! Hepcat: I didn't tell you I quit the football team because I didn't think you'd understand my poetry. Dad: Again with the car... I work damn hard to put food on the table! Hepcat: Because I like my friends, dad. And I don't care if you think they're from the wrong side of the tracks. Dad: OK, so I had an affair! Are you gonna torture me for the rest of my life over it? Hepcat: Ricky died in a plane crash, dad! [holding back tears] I'm not my older brother. Dad: Get the hell out of here! Hepcat: With pleasure!
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Episode 205 Various: Hi. We're The State. Take a look at this [clicks remote to turn on a TV monitor showing Soul Asylum on Unplugged] . MTV's Unplugged. Great show, shot right here in New York City in front of a live studio audience. A live studio audience that does not incidentally include The State. No, we can't get in to see Unplugged. Why not? Well I asked one of the vice presidents here and obviously I'm not allowed to say what his name is so I just call him... Dirtbag. I said, 'Hey Dirtbag, how come we can't get in to see Unplugged?' And he gives me this whole rigamaroll about how we can't get 11 tickets for you guys and we only run the network and we probably can't even count that high. Now look at this [he pauses the TV on a shot of the audience] . There are 500 people in this audience, ok. You wanna know who gets to go see Unplugged? I'll tell you. You see her? [points to a woman on the TV] She works in Ad Sales. Now I don't know what her job is but apparently it involves talking to her boyfriend all day on the phone. You see this guy? [points to a guy on the TV and shouts] This is the genius who decided to put our show on Saturdays at 7:30! Way to go, Boy Wonder! And the last time we tried to sneak into Unplugged, [points to another woman on TV] this is the bitch who kicked us out! Now obviously I'm not allowed to say what her name is but it's Blair. [points to another guy on TV and shouts] And there's Dirtbag! You can't get us 11 tickets? I want to show you something [clicks remote and TV now shows The Real World Season 2 clips] The Real World goes to Mexico! It's not like these are nice people, ok, these are 7 of the most annoying people in the world. They're spending a week in paradise and I can't even get in to see Duran Duran? Where's the justice? And you want to know what happened in Mexico because I'll give you the highlights right now, ok. Dominic got drunk and passed out on the beach and Annoying Beth - not Lesbian Beth - crashed her moped into a curb. You don't see The State crashing mopeds into curbs! You don't see The State getting drunk and passing ou- I mean, we get drunk and pass out but we do it right here in America! All: [cheering and clapping] Yeah!
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Episode 204 Doug's Principal: I don't want to be your "Princi-PULL", I want to be your "Princi-PAL"
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Episode 203 Counselor Gil Noonan: Hey, Mr. Toink, what brings you by? Barry Toink: Counselor Noonan, never before have I needed your guidance and expertise more than I do now. What I need from you is a price check on a word that describes someone who constantly has his nose in books, who loves books, can't get enough books, will name all his children "Book", [talking more excitedly] worships a deity named Book, capital B-O-O-K! [takes a deep breath and exhales] Temper check... ok. Counselor Gil Noonan: Alright, Bar. Have you tried bibliophile? Barry Toink: Are you asking if I am one or if they threaten my sexuality?
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Episode 102 Dad: Doug, are these your cigarettes? Doug: Yeah and what if they are? You gonna send me out to grandma's house so that she can teach me pinochle and make me bland?
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Episode 101 Coach Gunner: [blows a whistle] Alright you little snot-nosed girls! I hope you got your crotch noseguards on! You athletes better be wearing your penile supporters! Jerry Johnson, whatchu do doin'? Jerry: [with a book in hand] I'm, uh, finishing The Catcher In The Rye. Coach Gunner: Whooo hoo hoo! Well do you wanna play sports today, missy? Or do you wanna read that pom-pom girly picture book?
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Episode 101 Drifter: I'm innocent! Sheriff, I didn't kill anybody! Sheriff: I know, young drifter! I'm just cranky!
	Unknown Episode: Dad: All's fair in love and war, Timmy. Timmy: Which one is this, Dad? Dad: Both!
	Unknown Episode: Barry, Levon: AAAAWWWW yeah!
	Unknown Episode: Ms. Grant: But what about my husband, General Lee, and the country? Abe Lincoln: I don't care about America, all I care about is sex and booze and pills. Damn this country and everyone in it.
	Unknown Episode: Guy in library: Maybe you should try pants.
	Unknown Episode: Announcer: And now Louie, the guy who comes in and says his catchphrase over and over again. Louie: Hey, everybody! All: Hey, Louie! Louie: Hey, who's got something to drink? Woman: I do... over there. Louie: What is it? Woman: A martini. Louie: A martini? I wanna dip my balls in it! Louie: Hey, whatcha got there? Flemish Terrorist #3: It's an M-16. What do you want with it? Louie: What do I want with it? I wanna dip my balls in it! Flemish Terrorist #2: I find him infectious and amusing this Louie character. Louie: Who's got some deviled eggs? Woman: I do. Louie: I wanna dip my balls in it. Man: Monogrammed silk handkerchief. Louie: I would like to dip my balls in it. Flemish Terrorist #2: Silence! Louie... a hand grenade? Louie: Ah hell who gives a damn? I wanna dip my balls in it! Flemish Terrorist #3: Top secret documents? Louie: I wanna file them! Crowd: Awwwwww... Louie? Louie: You've heard it all before. Man: No we haven't! Louie: You've heard it all before. Flemish Terrorists: No... we haven't. Louie: You've heard it all before! All: No we haven't! Flemish Terrorist #1: Say the catchphrase or the Prime Minister dies! Prime Minister: Don't say it on my account, Louie. Louie: I'm sorry, I can't say it. All: Louie! Louie! Louie! Louie! Louie: Hey, everybody... All: I wanna dip my balls in it!
	Unknown Episode: Tammy Wilkins: I guess I'll keep making these, as long as I stay bored in high school... which shouldn't be a problem, 'cause high school's really boring.
	Unknown Episode: Louie: I wanna dip my balls in it.
	Unknown Episode: Kerri: When you're out there on the court shooting hoops, you want a shoe that's gonna give you an edge. You want a sneaker that makes piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. And that's just what our shoes do: they make piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. Piggy-Shoes: they make piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. Isn't it about time your shoes made sounds like a piggy from the heel when you stepped down on 'm?
	Unknown Episode: Kevin: [singing] It's a marvelous day at the porcupine racetrack; we'll watch them little porkies run! The sun, the track and porcupines! Kerri: [singing] A recipe for fun! Ben: Racing form, Mr. Johnson? Kevin: Why, thank you, Jimmy! Here, get yourself a licorice whip!
	Unknown Episode: Michael Showalter: [echoing] Let's consider the gate "off-limits"... as a favor to me...
	Unknown Episode: Kerri: Before I found Fluffy-Soft, my clothes weren't half as soft as they are now! Bear Puppet: Because Fluffy-Soft... [Kerri sees it, screams and beats the crap out of it with the iron].
	Unknown Episode: Ken: I'm aware of my... pants.
	Unknown Episode: Various: I'm going to take a handful of bumpy chicks and loose them into my pants!
	Unknown Episode: Various: And then what Commandant Wheeler, I'm Doug, and I may not be the brightest tool in the shed, but I had sex with my girlfriend for 2 hours once.
	Unknown Episode: Michael: We all have secrets, for example... Tom, you are on... Thomas: Speed. Michael: Oh. I was gonna say 'probation'. Thomas: Whatever. hehe whatever, what-ever...
	Unknown Episode: Captain Monterey Jack: Brrring! Brrrring! Hello Cheese? No - Cheese can't dial a phone!
	Unknown Episode: Old-Fashioned Guy: Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I think we should worship the sun and moon as powerful gods... and fear them.
	Unknown Episode: Barry: Now I know what you're thinkin' LeVon: Barry and Le Von, where did you get two-hundred and forty dollars? Barry: [shake head and put finger to mouth] Shhhhhh. LeVon: Aw yeah. Barry: Don't worry your pretty little head about it, baby LeVon: It ain't your concern.
	Unknown Episode: Barry Lutz: Dr. Crank, in your many years of primate research, you've developed... Dr. Crank: Uh, research is such a restrictive term. I feel I've opened up a whole new arena of experimentation which I call "Monkey Torture".
	Unknown Episode: Doug: I'm Doug and I'm out of here.
	Unknown Episode: Ken: You know, I wouldn't mind having another serving of this... well what is this, fish? Kerri: Oh no, it's muppet! Ken: M... muppet? Kerri: Oh yes, we backed over one in the driveway yesterday and it just seemed a shame to let it go to waste. Now we've become quite the hunters. Would you like to see how to catch one? [Walks over to open window and calls through it:] Gee, I wish someone was here who could help me count to three! Muppet: [Appears in the window] Golly gosh! I'd be glad to... Kerri: [Grabs muppet and snaps it's neck brutally] See how easy?
	Unknown Episode: Old-Fashioned Guy: Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but it seems to me that when the giant that holds up the earth dies, we are screeewwwed!
	Unknown Episode: Various: It's hard enough fitting both the mail and the tacos in here. I'll level with you. These bags weren't designed for tacos. Various: That's kind of what I'm getting at, Jake. Various: Well, don't tell me you don't like the tacos. Various: [gets close, in his face] Jake, I love the tacos. They're maybe the best tacos I've ever had. But I think if I had to choose between the mail, and the tacos, I have to choose the mail. Various: Okay, I'm gonna take a breath here. I think you might be saying something you don't quite mean. What I'm hearing is, you don't want the tacos. Various: [drives by on the street] [stops] Great tacos today, Jake!

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