Montgomery Burns

The Simpsons

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Harry Shearer
Harry Shearer was born in 1943 in Los Angeles, California. His film debut was with 'Bud Abbott' (qv) ...

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Montgomery Burns Quotes

	Season 18 / Episode 4: - Treehouse of Horror XVII Montgomery Burns: Hello, boils and ghouls. I am the Crypt Keeper. Or should I say Master of Scary-Monies?
	Season 15 / Episode 19: - Simple Simpson Montgomery Burns: [removes Pie Man's mask and gasps] Simpson! You'll rue the day you took a pie tin, made two holes for eyes, and tied a rubber band around the back! Homer Simpson: It's not a rubber band, it's a Scrunchie!
	Season 11 / Episode 6: - Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder Lenny: Hey Carl, check out the overhead scoreboard. Carl: [laughs] Poo... Ah, Homer. What whacky name do you want? Homer Simpson: Are poo and ass taken? Carl: Yeah. Homer Simpson: Damn! Could my life get any worse? Montgomery Burns: Simpson! Duhf, even for a bowler you're fat. Homer Simpson: Hey guys, is it normal to see Burns' face on a bowling ball? Lenny: Nnh, actually I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode. Homer Simpson: Ugh, what a rotten day! Lenny: Wow, a strike. Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I taking these?
	Season 10 / Episode 6: - D'Oh-in' in the Wind Montgomery Burns: Ah, lunchtime! Well, let's see what I've packed for myself today. One bullion cube... one Concord grape... one Philly cheese-steak... and a jar of garlic pickles! No one will want to kiss me after these, eh, Smithers? Waylon Smithers: Well, it's their loss, sir. Montgomery Burns: [laughs uneasily] Yes.
	Season 7 / Episode 22: - Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish" Montgomery Burns: Terribly sorry. Back to sleep, little girl. Lisa Simpson: Santa?
	Season 7 / Episode 22: - Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish" Montgomery Burns: There, Simpson seven gone. As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin, I'll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine. Grampa: Over my dead body, it will! Montgomery Burns: That's exactly the point! Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself? Grampa: How long was that?
	Season 7 / Episode 22: - Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish" Montgomery Burns: Then it's agreed. Of course, we can't sell the paintings now, we'd be caught. How many of you are familiar with the concept of a "tontine"? Montgomery Burns: All right, Ox. Why don't you take us through it? Ox: Duh, essentially, we all enter into a contract whereby the last surviving participant becomes the sole possessor of all them purty pictures. Montgomery Burns: Well put, Oxford.
	Season 7 / Episode 22: - Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish" Montgomery Burns: Fernando Vidal? It's M.B. Fernando Vidal: Ah, Marion Barry! Is it time for another shipment?
	Season 7 / Episode 17: - Homer the Smithers Moe Szyslak: [Mr. Burns has sent Smithers on vacation. Deciding he needs him back, he tries to call him, but, not knowing how to use a telephone, he simply dials the name S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. It turns out he has dialed Moe's Tavern] Moe's Tavern. Montgomery Burns: Hello, I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon? Moe Szyslak: [Thinking it is a crank call] Oh, Waylon Smithers, huh? Listen to me, you! When I catch you I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove'em down your pants! So you can watch me kick the crap of out you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!
	Season 7 / Episode 17: - Homer the Smithers Montgomery Burns: Donuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food!
	Season 6 / Episode 18: - A Star is Burns Marge: Well, it was a lovely festival. The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found there are some awards that can't be bought. Rainer Wolfcastle: ["Six months later"] And the Oscar goes to... Montgomery Burns: Oh, I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood. Rainer Wolfcastle: ...George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football". George C. Scott: [doubling over] Aargh! My groin.
	Season 6 / Episode 18: - A Star is Burns Smithers: Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you. Montgomery Burns: Excellent. Hannibal Lecter: Excellent. Montgomery Burns: Next. William Shatner: Exc-ell-ent. Montgomery Burns: Next. Homer: Exactly. Homer: D'oh! Montgomery Burns: [irritated] Next! Bumblebee Man: ¡Excellente! Sr. Spielbergo: Es muy bueno. Montgomery Burns: Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.
	Season 6 / Episode 6: - Treehouse of Horror V Montgomery Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV, and the beer supply, I'll be able to ensure an honest winter's work out of those low-lifes... Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families? Montgomery Burns: Mmm, perhaps. Tell you what, we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.
	Season 6 / Episode 6: - Treehouse of Horror V Montgomery Burns: That's odd, Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.
	Season 5 / Episode 21: - Lady Bouvier's Lover Bart Simpson: Hi. You know, my grandma really likes it when her boyfriends are nice to me. She especially likes it when they give me money. Montgomery Burns: Run along, Peewee. Baby gets nothing. Bart Simpson: Very well. You leave me no choice. Bart Simpson: This gun is filled with ketchup. Bart Simpson: This one with mustard. Now give me 350 bucks or you're gonna be a mess for your date! Montgomery Burns: [stands] You don't have the guts!
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy Montgomery Burns: [Shirtless, as Smithers's screen saver] Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on. Waylon Smithers: [to Lisa] Um... you probably should ignore that.
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - The Last Temptation of Homer Waylon Smithers: [a red warning light begins flashing in Mr.Burns's office] Someone is charging room service to the company, sir! Montgomery Burns: Well, we'll see about that! Montgomery Burns: [Burns uncovers a cage full of black monkeys that have tiny wings, and opens it] Fly, my pretties! Fly! Fly! Montgomery Burns: [the monkeys all leap out Burns's window and instead of flying away, fall like stones to the ground below] Ungh... Continue the research!
	Season 5 / Episode 7: - Bart's Inner Child Brad Goodman: Okay, folks, let me hear what's troubling you. Don't be shy, yell it out. Everybody, go! "Diamond" Joe Quimby: I, uh, can't commit to a relationship! Montgomery Burns: I'm too nice! Apu: I have problems with ... Lenny: [interrupts] I'm always interrupting people!
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Treehouse of Horror IV Lisa Simpson: Dad, Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart! Montgomery Burns: Why, Bart's right here! Bart Simpson: Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence. Homer Simpson: Oh, Lisa! You and your stories! "Dad, Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's get back to that... building thingy... where our beds and T.V... is.
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Treehouse of Horror IV Lisa Simpson: Dad, do you notice anything strange? Homer Simpson: Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer. Montgomery Burns: I heard that! Homer Simpson: [quickly points to Bart] It was the boy!
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Treehouse of Horror IV Montgomery Burns: [welcoming the Simpsons via intercom at the front door] Welcome! Please come in... [sinisterly] Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead. Waylon Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of the button. Montgomery Burns: Oh, son of a bi- [door opens]
	Season 4 / Episode 12: - Marge vs. the Monorail Judge Snyder: Mr. Burns, in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life, this court fines you $3million. Montgomery Burns: Smithers, my wallet's in my right front pocket. [Smithers hands over the money] Oh, and I'll take that statue of justice too. Judge Snyder: Sold!
	Season 4 / Episode 12: - Marge vs. the Monorail Montgomery Burns: [very badly disguised with a fake moustache] Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub. And I come from, uh... someplace far away. Montgomery Burns: [to himself] Yes, that'll do. Montgomery Burns: [back to Mayor Quimby] Anyway, I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant. Waylon Smithers: I like the way Snrub thinks. [everyone looks suspiciously at Mr. Burns, then Smithers fires a rope a the roof, helping Mr. Burns to escape]
	Season 3 / Episode 11: - Burns Verkaufen Der Kraftwerk Montgomery Burns: Now, Smithers, I know that you've always had your eye on this photo of Elvis and me. Smithers: He was so good to his mother. Montgomery Burns: Yes. But, you know, I couldn't understand a word that man said. Montgomery Burns: "Mr. Burns...” Montgomery Burns: ...hound dog." Smithers: [laughing] Stop it, you're killing me!
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - Stark Raving Dad Montgomery Burns: Why is that man wearing pink? Smithers, who is that? Waylon Smithers: Homer Simpson, one of your boobs from sector 7-G. Montgomery Burns: Simpson, eh? Judging from his attire, he must be some kind of free-thinking anarchist. Waylon Smithers: I'll alert security. Montgomery Burns: Excellent! These color monitors are already paying for themselves.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Simpson and Delilah Montgomery Burns: You may find this hard to believe, but in my salad days, my crowning glory was a bright shock of strawberry blonde curls.

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