Moe Szyslak

The Simpsons

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Hank Azaria

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Moe Szyslak Quotes

	Season 20 / Episode 20: - Four Great Women and a Manicure Selma Bouvier: [as Elizabeth I] I don't need a man, for I have England. Moe Szyslak: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.
	Season 20 / Episode 20: - Four Great Women and a Manicure Lenny: There's something in our house. Moe Szyslak: Let's put a pick axe in its brain! Lenny: You're in marketing. Why do you even have a pick axe? Moe Szyslak: If you were in marketing, you'd know.
	Season 20 / Episode 16: - Eeny Teeny Maya Moe Moe Szyslak: [after Maya dumps him, Moe is cleaning his empty bar when Homer comes in] Whatsa matter, Homer? Homer Simpson: Not a thing in the world. Moe Szyslak: Yeah, I wish I could say the same. Homer Simpson: Moe, this is a great thing for you. You went from sitting on the sidelines to getting in the game! Sometime, when you least expect it, you'll realize that someone loved you. And that means that someone can love you again! And that'll make you smile.
	Season 20 / Episode 12: - No Loan Again, Naturally Moe Szyslak: Here's what you do: get the media to expose what kind of monster he really is. Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah. Just like Dateline did to you. Moe Szyslak: Yeah, three times. The third was nominated for a Peabody, whatever that is.
	Season 20 / Episode 7: - Mypods and Boomsticks Moe Szyslak: Homer, this is serious. That kid is Muslim, which means he's up to something. Homer Simpson: I really shouldn't pass judgment until I see a TV show espousing your point of view.
	Season 19 / Episode 19: - Mona Leaves-a Moe Szyslak: I like creating disappointment. You know that little moment when people's hope dies? I feed on that.
	Season 18 / Episode 13: - Springfield Up Moe Szyslak: My daddy was a circus freak. My mommy can't remember which one. I like to think it was a little bit of each one.
	Season 18 / Episode 9: - Kill Gil (Parts I & II) Moe Szyslak: Don't you dumb dames know that all figure skaters are twinkly in the lutz? Elvis Stojko: That is such a misconception. For your information, I have a girlfriend in Vancouver. Moe Szyslak: Fake girlfriend, fake city.
	Season 18 / Episode 6: - Moe 'N' a Lisa Moe Szyslak: Ooh, you have clear water! Swanky!
	Season 18 / Episode 6: - Moe 'N' a Lisa Lisa Simpson: Moe, you are a heartless jerk! Moe Szyslak: Whoa, where did that come from? Oh, right. My actions.
	Season 18 / Episode 6: - Moe 'N' a Lisa Tom Wolfe: Moe, which writer has influenced you? Jack Kerouac? Chuck Bukowski? Me, Tom Wolfe? Moe Szyslak: Well, the last book I read was Superhound: the Guide to Dograce Betting. Any of you wetnaps wrote that?
	Season 18 / Episode 6: - Moe 'N' a Lisa Moe Szyslak: Here I am all depressed, when I'm surrounded by the happiest people in the world, writers.
	Season 11 / Episode 8: - Take My Wife, Sleaze Homer Simpson: The first meeting of Hell's Satans is called to order. Ned Flanders: I move to reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all [chuckles] , we don't wanna go to hell. Lenny: How 'bout The Devil's Pals. Ned Flanders: [nervously chuckles] Nuh-no... see... Moe Szyslak: How about the Christ punchers? Ned Flanders: The Chri...! I-I don't think you understand my objections. Homer Simpson: I'm the president and the decision is mine. We're Hell's Satans. Besides, I already made our club jackets. Lenny: Ooo, machine wash warm. Carl: Tumble dry... Oooh lah lah.
	Season 10 / Episode 10: - Viva Ned Flanders Moe Szyslak: It's holy water, right? [Splashes holy water on face] Augh, it burns!
	Season 9 / Episode 16: - Dumbbell Indemnity Homer Simpson: Whatever happened to your mail order bride? Moe Szyslak: Oh, she got homesick for her old life; diving for tourist pennies in a Micronesian swamp. Homer Simpson: So, her career got in the way. Moe Szyslak: Ehh, I don't blame her. No girl wants to end up with a Joe Puke-Pail like me. Homer Simpson: Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe. You're a fabulous catch. Moe Szyslak: Oh yeah? Well, uh, how come I ain't fending off movie stars with a pointy stick? Homer Simpson: Oh, its probably due to your ugliness. But, that doesn't mean we can't find you a woman!
	Season 9 / Episode 16: - Dumbbell Indemnity Moe Szyslak: Homer, I need your help. You got to steel this car and wreck it for me. Homer Simpson: Steel? Oh no, you got the wrong guy. Moe Szyslak: Come on Homer, I'm one of your dearest friends... When everybody said you were to drunk to drive that time, who gave you your keys? Homer Simpson: Aww... You did.
	Season 9 / Episode 10: - Miracle on Evergreen Terrace Moe Szyslak: Ah, sounds like you're having a rough Christmas, Homer. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society. Homer Simpson: [drunk] Yeah. You're right, Moe. You're always, Moe.
	Season 9 / Episode 9: - Realty Bites Moe Szyslak: Geez, this hot rod is souped up six ways from Sunday! Never had you figured for a gearhead, Homer. Homer Simpson: Oh yeah, I'm a real expert. Moe Szyslak: What is that, a six barrel Holley carb? Homer Simpson: You betcha! Moe Szyslak: Edelbrock intakes? Homer Simpson: Nothing but. Moe Szyslak: Myohoff lifters? Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah. Moe Szyslak: I made that last one up. Homer Simpson: I see.
	Season 9 / Episode 7: - The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons Homer Simpson: But, you can't leave. We're scammin' an old lady at my house, and I need a place to hide out. Moe Szyslak: Sorry, Homer. I've been plannin' this vacation for years. I'm finally gonna see Easter Island. Homer Simpson: Oh, right. With the giant heads. Moe Szyslak: With the what now?
	Season 8 / Episode 3: - The Homer They Fall Homer Simpson: You used to be a boxer just like me? Moe Szyslak: Yup. They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And finally, Kid Moe.
	Season 8 / Episode 3: - The Homer They Fall Moe Szyslak: Are you man enough to test every one of your limits? Homer Simpson: Yes! Moe Szyslak: And are you man enough to throw a punch should the opportunity arise? Homer Simpson: Yes! Moe Szyslak: And are you man enough to give me a sixty percent cut? Homer Simpson: Yes! Moe Szyslak: I'll take it. Homer Simpson: Whoo-hoo!
	Season 7 / Episode 17: - Homer the Smithers Moe Szyslak: [Mr. Burns has sent Smithers on vacation. Deciding he needs him back, he tries to call him, but, not knowing how to use a telephone, he simply dials the name S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. It turns out he has dialed Moe's Tavern] Moe's Tavern. Montgomery Burns: Hello, I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon? Moe Szyslak: [Thinking it is a crank call] Oh, Waylon Smithers, huh? Listen to me, you! When I catch you I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove'em down your pants! So you can watch me kick the crap of out you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!
	Season 6 / Episode 25: - Who Shot Mr. Burns? (1) Moe Szyslak: I lost my bar! Barney Gumble: I lost his bar! Lisa Simpson: He robbed the school of music! Principal Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security! Tito Puente: He robbed the school of Tito! Homer: He can't remember my name! Marge Simpson: He's causing us all to yell! [Maggie sucks her pacifier violently] Bart Simpson: Look what he did to my best friend! [Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies] No, my dog! [Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart] Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?
	Season 6 / Episode 12: - Homer the Great Homer: I swear, that if I ever reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, that my stomach shall become bloated, and my head plucked of all but three hairs... Moe Szyslak: Um, I think he should have to take a different oath. Number One: Everybody takes the same oath!
	Season 6 / Episode 6: - Treehouse of Horror V Moe Szyslak: So, what'll it be, Homer? Homer Simpson: Moe, gimme a beer! Moe Szyslak: No. Not unless you kill your family. Homer Simpson: Why should I kill my family? Moe Szyslak: Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts. Homer Simpson: You don't look so happy. Moe Szyslak: Oh, I'm happy! I'm very happy! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! See? Now waste your family, I'll give you a beer!
	Season 6 / Episode 5: - Sideshow Bob Roberts Birchibald T. Barlow: [on the radio] I want all of you out there to do everything in your power to see that Bob is set free! Moe Szyslak: All right, you heard the man. Moe Szyslak: Everybody, one grenade each. Barney Gumble: Moe, I think he meant through non-violent, grassroots, poltical action. Moe Szyslak: Really? You think? Okay, hand 'em back. Come on, everybody. Moe Szyslak: Hey, hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?
	Season 5 / Episode 11: - Homer the Vigilante Homer Simpson: Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now, we need code names. I'll be Cue-ball, Skinner can be Eight-ball, Barney will be Twelve-ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-ball. Moe Szyslak: You're an idiot.
	Season 5 / Episode 11: - Homer the Vigilante Malloy: Homer, old chap, well done. If anyone was going to catch me, I'm glad it was you. Homer Simpson: Actually, it wasn't me, it was my dad, Grampa. Abe Simpson: Thanks, Son. So you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him! Ah ha ha ha - Moe Szyslak: Shut up. Abe Simpson: [meekly] I've had my moment.
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - The Last Temptation of Homer Homer: Moe, I need your advice. Moe Szyslak: [not very interested] Yeah. Homer: See, I got this friend, Joey Jo-Jo Junior... Shabadoo? Moe Szyslak: That's the worst name I ever heard. Barney Gumble: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Homer's Barbershop Quartet Barney's Girlfriend: I would like a single plum floating in perfume and served in a man's hat. Moe Szyslak: Sure. [serves drink]

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