Chief Wiggum

The Simpsons

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Played by:

Hank Azaria

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Chief Wiggum Quotes

	Season 20 / Episode 20: - Four Great Women and a Manicure Homer Simpson: Marge, I need some bribe money. Chief Wiggum: Well, don't say it so loud. Marge Simpson: All I have is some dry cleaner coupons. Chief Wiggum: Deal. [Takes coupons and lets Homer go] Homer Simpson: Thanks, Marge. But remember, there's still the civil lawsuit.
	Season 19 / Episode 12: - Love, Springfieldian Style Chief Wiggum: I found that offensive, and I'm a fat, Southern sheriff.
	Season 19 / Episode 9: - Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind Chief Wiggum: Walked into a door? That is the lamest excuse in the book. [walks into door] All right, door. You're coming downtown.
	Season 19 / Episode 4: - I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings Lou: Chief, it looks like there's a 64G in progress. [Chief Wiggum looks confused] Armed robbery with a gun? [Chief Wiggum still looks confused; Lou draws a stick figure robber on his pad] Come on, chief. You know this one. Chief Wiggum: Oh, a shootie stealie.
	Season 19 / Episode 4: - I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings Homer Simpson: Chief Wiggum, you have to do something. My current wife is in there. Chief Wiggum: Well, you take over then. I have no stake in this. This isn't even my bank. I'm at Federal Mutual down the street.
	Season 19 / Episode 4: - I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings Lou: Chief, I think we have a hostage situation over there. Chief Wiggum: Can't a man have one minute alone with his monkey? One minute? [Lou mumbles something] What'd you say? Lou: I said the monkey would make a better chief! Chief Wiggum: He is a pretty great monkey, isn't he?
	Season 18 / Episode 18: - The Boys of Bummer Chief Wiggum: My wife's shopping for a swimsuit that doesn't make her look horsey, so I'm gonna be here a while.
	Season 18 / Episode 4: - Treehouse of Horror XVII Female Golem: There's a latke bar downstairs. Chief Wiggum: Latke? What the hell's a latke? Female Golem: They're pan-fried... Chief Wiggum: Case dismissed!
	Season 18 / Episode 4: - Treehouse of Horror XVII Chief Wiggum: Guys we have to assume our guns are useless. Throw them in the lake. Chief Wiggum: Good, now the police car. [after doing that] Chief Wiggum: Hey, did you get my sweater from the front seat? Lou: Um, yeah. Chief Wiggum: Oh yeah? Then where is it? Lou: [sighs] I'll go get it, Chief. [Walks into the lake]
	Season 17 / Episode 11: - We're on the Road to D'oh-where Chief Wiggum: [arresting Marge for selling prescription drugs] Save it, Ma Peddle. Lou: Ma Peddle? Chief Wiggum: It's a reference to Ma Kettle, a movie character from the 1940s. Lou: Chief, if you have to explain it, it's not very good.
	Season 14 / Episode 6: - The Great Louse Detective Chief Wiggum: If I can tranq one freak on stilts, I know I've done my job. Lou: You're living the dream
	Season 12 / Episode 18: - Trilogy of Error Chief Wiggum: [answer machine] 9-1-1. This better be good.
	Season 11 / Episode 13: - Saddlesore Galactica Chief Wiggum: [after letting a criminal suspect drive away] I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them.
	Season 11 / Episode 6: - Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder Chief Wiggum: Alright smart guy, where's the fire? Homer Simpson: Over there. Chief Wiggum: Okay, you just bought yourself a 317, pointing out police stupidity... Or is that a 314? Nah nah, 314 is a dog uh, in, no or is that a 315?... You're in trouble pal.
	Season 11 / Episode 5: - E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) Homer: [Offering Tomacco] Try some, won't you? Chief Wiggum: Go ahead, Ralpie; the stranger is offering you a treat! Ralph: [Ralphie tries some, and spits it back out] Oh, Daddy! It tastes like Grandma! Chief Wiggum: [Tries some, and spits it out] Holy Moses! It DOES taste like Grandma! Ralph: I want more! Chief Wiggum: Yeah, me too! [Ralphie starts eating more] Should we take a bushel or a peck, or - just give it to me! [Eats] Homer: [Chuckles]
	Season 10 / Episode 11: - Wild Barts Can't Be Broken Chief Wiggum: Let this be a lesson to you - kids never learn.
	Season 10 / Episode 6: - D'Oh-in' in the Wind Chief Wiggum: OK, boys, set your night sticks on "whomp." Lou: [twirling his night stick] Er, chief? Mine's stuck on "twirl."
	Season 10 / Episode 4: - Treehouse of Horror IX Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Syzslak and Apu Nahassa... passa... well, just Moe, just Moe.
	Season 9 / Episode 25: - Natural Born Kissers Chief Wiggum: Boy, I'll tell you. They only come out at night. Or, in this case, uh, the daytime.
	Season 9 / Episode 18: - This Little Wiggy Chief Wiggum: You know you're not supposed to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?
	Season 9 / Episode 18: - This Little Wiggy Chief Wiggum: What IS your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?
	Season 9 / Episode 16: - Dumbbell Indemnity Chief Wiggum: That car thief can't hold his breath forever. Lou: And if he can, Chief? Chief Wiggum: Then God help us all!
	Season 9 / Episode 16: - Dumbbell Indemnity Chief Wiggum: Your fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.
	Season 9 / Episode 14: - Das Bus Chief Wiggum: Good luck, Ralphy. If your nose starts bleeding, it means you're picking it too much. Or not enough.
	Season 9 / Episode 12: - Bart Carny Chief Wiggum: Uh, I hate to interrupt your fun boys, but I got a few complaints that your game is crooked. Homer: [laughs] And how. Chief Wiggum: Gee, I'd hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little, uh, understanding here. [holds out his hand] Homer: [monotone] I understand. Bart: Um, hey, Dad, I... I think he wants-- Homer: Not right now, Son. Daddy's talking to a policeman. Chief Wiggum: Uh, let me put it this way. I'm looking for my friend Bill. [glances down at the cash box] Have you seen any Bills around here? Homer: No. [points to Bart] He's Bart. Chief Wiggum: [groans] Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay? Homer: Okay. Chief Wiggum: The guy I'm really looking for, wink, [winks] is Mr. Bribe, wink, wink. [winks twice] Homer: It's a ring toss game. Chief Wiggum: All right, that's it. I'm shutting this game down.
	Season 9 / Episode 9: - Realty Bites Chief Wiggum: This is Wiggum, reporting a 318! Waking a police officer!
	Season 9 / Episode 9: - Realty Bites Homer Simpson: Lucky thing we landed on this bubble wrap. Chief Wiggum: Hey, quit hoggin'!
	Season 8 / Episode 25: - The Secret War of Lisa Simpson Chief Wiggum: Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city.
	Season 8 / Episode 25: - The Secret War of Lisa Simpson Chief Wiggum: You know, you do have options. For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded are you to the Bart you know? Homer Simpson: Not very.
	Season 8 / Episode 24: - The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase Chief Wiggum: Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls... two, I suppose.

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