The Office (UK) Quotes

The Office (UK)

- Episode Quotes

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The Office (UK) Quotes

	Unknown Episode: Gareth Keenan: [Dawn has just returned to the party after opening her gift from Tim, a set of oil paints. She realizes that she and Tim belong together, walks up to him, and kisses him] Careful, she's got fiancée. Dawn Tinsley: [turns to Gareth] I haven't. Not anymore.
	Unknown Episode: Tim Canterbury: The people you work with are people you were just throw together with. You know, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice, and yet you spend more time with them then you do your friends or your family. But probably all you've got in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for 8 hours a day. And so, obviously, when someone comes in who you... you have a connection with... yeah. And Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life and it meant a lot. But, if I'm really being honest I never really thought it would have a happy ending. I don't know what a happy ending is. Life isn't about endings, is it? It's a series of moments. And umm... it's not if, you know, if you turn the camera off it's not an ending, is it. I'm still here, my life's not over. Come back, come back here in 10 years, see how I'm doing then. Cause I could be married with kids, you don't know. Life just goes on.
	Unknown Episode: Keith: Men get turned on by what they see, women get turned on by what they hear
	Unknown Episode: David Brent: I don't know what to expect, to be honest. I haven't been impressed so far. Erm, I hope their vetting them, because the computer seems to be throwing up any old rubbish. It's like they haven't put me in the right category or something because, you know. Oh fuck. I don't believe it, look at his. Woman: Hello. David Brent: Hiya. Woman: All right? David Brent: Yeah. Woman: Is Monkey in there? David Brent: [can't hide his surprise and relief] Oh yeah. Woman: You all right? David Brent: Yeah, I was expecting a blind date, and was worried you were it.
	Unknown Episode: Neil Godwin: No dog with you today David? Chris Finch: Didn't you see her? She just left. David Brent: Chris, why don't you fuck off?
	Unknown Episode: Interviewer: How would you like to be remembered? David Brent: Simply as the man who put a smile on the face of everyone he met.
	Unknown Episode: Gareth: I did learn a lot from David. I learnt from his mistakes. We're very different people; he used humour where I use discipline. And I learnt that nobody respects him. And in a war situation, if you want your platoon to go over the top with you to certain death, it's no good saying to them 'Please come with me lads, I'll tell you a joke.' It's a direct order 'Come with me.' And they'll go 'Yes, he's got good leadership skills, let's all go with him to our certain death'. Also, if you're laughing in the jungle, you can give away your position to the enemy.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Interview Helena: Private life then, just to flesh out David Brent the man. Is there a better half? David Brent: David quipped: why buy a book when you can join the library? Helena: So you play the field? David Brent: Well... I don't like using chicks and shit, but I'm just chilling out while I'm young I suppose. Helena: And is there a chick in tow at the moment? David Brent: Ooh, I don't kiss and tell. Helena: I'm just trying to find out if you're in a relationship at the moment. David Brent: Brent says: no comment. Helena: Right, so you don't have a girlfriend? David Brent: Well, what is a "girlfriend"? Helena: I don't know, someone you'd have sex with? David Brent: All right don't get coarse, in a magazine for the public. I don't think you'll win a Pulitzer, for filth.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Interview Tim Canterbury: Sheila, what do you look for in a bloke? Sheila: [uncomfortably long pause] I like blacks.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Interview Gareth Keenan: [Rachel has just told him to fuck off] Potty mouth.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Interview David Brent: 'If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain'. Do you know which philosopher [makes quotation marks with fingers] said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Charity David Brent: Who says famine has to be depressing?
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Charity David Brent: Neil makes me laugh though, because, you know, it's his interfering, it's his timing. Going on about he wants some report doing-it's red nose day, you know. Ooh, what's more important, you Neil, with your report, or some starving children? Ooh I don't know. Ooh what would Lenny Henry say? I think we know-imagine him going out of the door on comic relief day and Dawn French is going 'Where you going, you haven't done the washing up. You haven't put the rubbish out.' 'Do it yourself I've gotta save some Africans.'
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Charity David Brent: I've sort of fused Flashdance with MC Hammer shit.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Charity David Brent: What's the weather like up there? Nathan 'Oggy: Oh I've heard that before. David Brent: They must have put you in a grow bag when you were little did they? Nathan 'Oggy: That's an old one. David Brent: Let's grow ourselves a big lanky goggle-eyed freak of a son. Nathan 'Oggy: All right calm down mate, there's no need to get offensive. David Brent: No no, I was joining in... Nathan 'Oggy: I didn't call you fatty as soon as I saw you. David Brent: No I was joining in with... Nathan 'Oggy: Just don't have a go at the eyes, cos that is a stigmatism I've had from the age of five, so that's what make them a bit bulbous, so don't just... I didn't call you the whale-man or like blubber-man.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Charity Gareth: We don't have to give a donation for that, do we?
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Charity David Brent: I've got the Slough Gazette coming to take a photo. Gareth: What time are they coming down? David Brent: About five-ish, so... Gareth: They'll love us, won't they? David Brent: No, I think it's just me, I've got something planned. Gareth: But we can all be in it, though? David Brent: No, not really, I called them, so... Gareth: But they'll love us, all being stupid. David Brent: Stop trying to worm your way into someone else's photo!
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Charity David Brent: [to Gareth] Stop trying to worm in on someone else's photo!
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Charity Tim: Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against this sort of thing. It's a good cause, but I just don't want to have to join in with someone else's idea of wackiness, okay? It's the wackiness I can't stand. It's like, you see someone outside Asda collecting for cancer research because they've been personally affected by it, or whatever, I dunno, an old bloke selling poppies, there's a dignity about that. A real quiet dignity. Tim: And that's what today's about, isn't it? Dignity. Always dignity.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Charity David Brent: You've seen me entertain, and raise money, but maybe I'd like to do that in the future for a living you know. Use my humour and my profile to both help and amuse people, you know. And if it's ideas for TV shows, game shows or whatever you want, I'm your man. I'm already exploring the entertainment avenue with my management training, but I'd like to do that on a global scale really. And that's not going 'Ooh, look at me today, I'm entertaining whilst saving lives aren't I brilliant?', it's going 'If you think I'm brilliant, then give generously and help save these guys who are starving, but are also brilliant'-not as entertainers, a lot of them can't even speak English, but you know don't give them their own game show, but save them from dying at least. And then maybe they could do something in their own country, on television or whatever they have, the wireless or I don't know, give them a job on the world service or something.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Motivation Simon: First day it opened I went down there was doing a few laps and pulled over and the manager comes over to me and says "Oi, mate! No professionals." I said I'm not a professional. He said "Well, you should be mate with moves like that you could be the best in Britain". I said, "No thanks I'm making shit loads from computers".
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Motivation Simon: All right, well, I was bombing it round one time and someone left this ramp out. They all said, "If he hits that, he is dead". So I hit it and rolled over in the air a few times and they said, "Now he is definitely dead". Then I landed on my wheels and pulled over next to them and said, "What you worried about?"
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Motivation Simon: You know Bruce Lee's not really dead, don't you? Yeah, it's in a book. What he did was he faked his own death so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police, infiltrating drugs gangs and the Triads. Gareth: Yeah, I reckon that's true. Tim: Yeah, I reckon that's true. Because if you were gonna send someone undercover to investigate the Triads, you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star. [Tim and Rachel snicker] Simon: Oh, gone off Dawn now, have you?
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Motivation Gareth: He's a weird little bloke! Look at his cartoon face and his hair, he looks like a Fisher Price man, and his rubbish clothes... it makes me think there's something wrong with you for a start but yet in my head I'd still do you so I'm confused.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Motivation Gareth: How long has this been going on? When were you going to tell me? I can't believe you'd get off with a girl that I fancy. Tim: Why can't you believe that, Gareth? Gareth: Well, I can't believe there's a bird that fancies you over me for a start. What are you... he's a weird little bloke. Look at his cartoon face and his hair. He looks like a Fisher Price man. And his rubbish clothes... it makes me think there's something wrong with you, and yet in my head I'd still do you, so I'm confused... all right, I'll ask you straight: is there anything that could happen between us while this is going on? Rachel: Like what? Gareth: What, specifically? Hand job? Look, don't answer now. Think about it.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Motivation David Brent: You're all looking at me, you're going, "Well yeah, you're a success, you've achieved you're goals, you're reaping the rewards, sure. But, OI, Brent. Is all you care about chasing the Yankee dollar?" Let me show you something I always keep with me. Just a little book, Collective Meditations, and it's a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers, native American wisdom, which I, and it's really showing you that, er, the spiritual side needs as much care and attention as the physical side. It's about feeding the soul, yeah? Evolving spirituality. And a foreword by Duncan Goodhew, so... Can I read one-which I think- "If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place, most would be glad to take each, his own, home again, rather than take a portion out of the common stock." It's saying, for the first time, you know, the grass isn't always greener on the other side, don't look over your neighbour's fence and go "ooh he's got a better car than me, ooh, he's got a more attractive wife." We all wake up and we go "oh, I ache, I'm not 18 any more, you know, I'm thirty ni- you know, I'm in my thirties, I'm not-", but so what, at least I've got my health. And if you haven't got your health-if you've got one leg, at least I haven't got two legs missing. And if you have lost both legs and both arms, just go "at least I'm not dead. I'd rather be dead in that situation, to be honest. I'm not saying people like that should be... you know, put down. I'm saying that, in my life, I'd rather not live without arms and legs because... I'm just getting into yoga, for one thing. So...
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Motivation Dawn Tinsley: My old school just recently had a school reunion, ehm, which I didn't go to. But, ehm, one girl in my class it turns out, right, that she's now running her own an internet auction website, making a fortune and is happily married to a marine biologist. [pause] She used to eat chalk.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Party David Brent: I prefer flan.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Party David Brent: I'm thirties. Trudy: Yeah, but you've let yourself go a bit haven't you? David Brent: I've let myself go a bit? Trudy: Yeah. David Brent: Look at yourself, you're an embarrassment love, to be honest.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Party David Brent: [David has just discovered a dildo hidden in his office while in a meeting with two business consultants] Excuse me, everybody. What am I doing in there, with a dildo? She says it's not hers. And I for one believe her. So whose is it? David Brent: Well, what's it doing in there? Trudy: Well it's a birthday present. But... I don't know what it's doing in there. David Brent: [to the two consultants] There, you see. Practical jokes. Is it today, your birthday? Many happy returns. But, what have we learned from this? Trudy: Not to leave your dildo lying around. David Brent: Don't let it out of your sight. Because it could wind up... David Brent: Oh, God. What do you do when it gets like that? Well, you probably... David Brent: Could you... make sure it gets back to... her.

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