David Brent

The Office (UK)

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Played by:

Ricky Gervais

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David Brent Quotes

	Unknown Episode: David Brent: I don't know what to expect, to be honest. I haven't been impressed so far. Erm, I hope their vetting them, because the computer seems to be throwing up any old rubbish. It's like they haven't put me in the right category or something because, you know. Oh fuck. I don't believe it, look at his. Woman: Hello. David Brent: Hiya. Woman: All right? David Brent: Yeah. Woman: Is Monkey in there? David Brent: [can't hide his surprise and relief] Oh yeah. Woman: You all right? David Brent: Yeah, I was expecting a blind date, and was worried you were it.
	Unknown Episode: Neil Godwin: No dog with you today David? Chris Finch: Didn't you see her? She just left. David Brent: Chris, why don't you fuck off?
	Unknown Episode: Interviewer: How would you like to be remembered? David Brent: Simply as the man who put a smile on the face of everyone he met.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Interview Helena: Private life then, just to flesh out David Brent the man. Is there a better half? David Brent: David quipped: why buy a book when you can join the library? Helena: So you play the field? David Brent: Well... I don't like using chicks and shit, but I'm just chilling out while I'm young I suppose. Helena: And is there a chick in tow at the moment? David Brent: Ooh, I don't kiss and tell. Helena: I'm just trying to find out if you're in a relationship at the moment. David Brent: Brent says: no comment. Helena: Right, so you don't have a girlfriend? David Brent: Well, what is a "girlfriend"? Helena: I don't know, someone you'd have sex with? David Brent: All right don't get coarse, in a magazine for the public. I don't think you'll win a Pulitzer, for filth.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Interview David Brent: 'If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain'. Do you know which philosopher [makes quotation marks with fingers] said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Charity David Brent: Who says famine has to be depressing?
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Charity David Brent: Neil makes me laugh though, because, you know, it's his interfering, it's his timing. Going on about he wants some report doing-it's red nose day, you know. Ooh, what's more important, you Neil, with your report, or some starving children? Ooh I don't know. Ooh what would Lenny Henry say? I think we know-imagine him going out of the door on comic relief day and Dawn French is going 'Where you going, you haven't done the washing up. You haven't put the rubbish out.' 'Do it yourself I've gotta save some Africans.'
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Charity David Brent: I've sort of fused Flashdance with MC Hammer shit.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Charity David Brent: What's the weather like up there? Nathan 'Oggy: Oh I've heard that before. David Brent: They must have put you in a grow bag when you were little did they? Nathan 'Oggy: That's an old one. David Brent: Let's grow ourselves a big lanky goggle-eyed freak of a son. Nathan 'Oggy: All right calm down mate, there's no need to get offensive. David Brent: No no, I was joining in... Nathan 'Oggy: I didn't call you fatty as soon as I saw you. David Brent: No I was joining in with... Nathan 'Oggy: Just don't have a go at the eyes, cos that is a stigmatism I've had from the age of five, so that's what make them a bit bulbous, so don't just... I didn't call you the whale-man or like blubber-man.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Charity David Brent: I've got the Slough Gazette coming to take a photo. Gareth: What time are they coming down? David Brent: About five-ish, so... Gareth: They'll love us, won't they? David Brent: No, I think it's just me, I've got something planned. Gareth: But we can all be in it, though? David Brent: No, not really, I called them, so... Gareth: But they'll love us, all being stupid. David Brent: Stop trying to worm your way into someone else's photo!
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Charity David Brent: [to Gareth] Stop trying to worm in on someone else's photo!
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Charity David Brent: You've seen me entertain, and raise money, but maybe I'd like to do that in the future for a living you know. Use my humour and my profile to both help and amuse people, you know. And if it's ideas for TV shows, game shows or whatever you want, I'm your man. I'm already exploring the entertainment avenue with my management training, but I'd like to do that on a global scale really. And that's not going 'Ooh, look at me today, I'm entertaining whilst saving lives aren't I brilliant?', it's going 'If you think I'm brilliant, then give generously and help save these guys who are starving, but are also brilliant'-not as entertainers, a lot of them can't even speak English, but you know don't give them their own game show, but save them from dying at least. And then maybe they could do something in their own country, on television or whatever they have, the wireless or I don't know, give them a job on the world service or something.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Motivation David Brent: You're all looking at me, you're going, "Well yeah, you're a success, you've achieved you're goals, you're reaping the rewards, sure. But, OI, Brent. Is all you care about chasing the Yankee dollar?" Let me show you something I always keep with me. Just a little book, Collective Meditations, and it's a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers, native American wisdom, which I, and it's really showing you that, er, the spiritual side needs as much care and attention as the physical side. It's about feeding the soul, yeah? Evolving spirituality. And a foreword by Duncan Goodhew, so... Can I read one-which I think- "If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place, most would be glad to take each, his own, home again, rather than take a portion out of the common stock." It's saying, for the first time, you know, the grass isn't always greener on the other side, don't look over your neighbour's fence and go "ooh he's got a better car than me, ooh, he's got a more attractive wife." We all wake up and we go "oh, I ache, I'm not 18 any more, you know, I'm thirty ni- you know, I'm in my thirties, I'm not-", but so what, at least I've got my health. And if you haven't got your health-if you've got one leg, at least I haven't got two legs missing. And if you have lost both legs and both arms, just go "at least I'm not dead. I'd rather be dead in that situation, to be honest. I'm not saying people like that should be... you know, put down. I'm saying that, in my life, I'd rather not live without arms and legs because... I'm just getting into yoga, for one thing. So...
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Party David Brent: I prefer flan.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Party David Brent: I'm thirties. Trudy: Yeah, but you've let yourself go a bit haven't you? David Brent: I've let myself go a bit? Trudy: Yeah. David Brent: Look at yourself, you're an embarrassment love, to be honest.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Party David Brent: [David has just discovered a dildo hidden in his office while in a meeting with two business consultants] Excuse me, everybody. What am I doing in there, with a dildo? She says it's not hers. And I for one believe her. So whose is it? David Brent: Well, what's it doing in there? Trudy: Well it's a birthday present. But... I don't know what it's doing in there. David Brent: [to the two consultants] There, you see. Practical jokes. Is it today, your birthday? Many happy returns. But, what have we learned from this? Trudy: Not to leave your dildo lying around. David Brent: Don't let it out of your sight. Because it could wind up... David Brent: Oh, God. What do you do when it gets like that? Well, you probably... David Brent: Could you... make sure it gets back to... her.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Party Dawn: David, this is Ray and Jude from... I'm sorry, I've forgotten where you're from. Ray: Cooper and Webb. David Brent: Who's Cooper and who's Webb? Ray: Neither of us. David Brent: I bet you get that all the time. Ray: No.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Party David Brent: [notices the dildo Tim had hidden under a folder on Andy's desk] What's that? Jude: It's a dildo. David Brent: Is it yours? [tries to hand it to her] Jude: No!
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Appraisals Neil Godwin: You're acting like a petulant little kid. David Brent: [shrugs] Young at heart.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Appraisals David Brent: [Tim Canterbury is sitting down in David Brent's office to receive his appraisal] Tim Canterbury. The Canterbury Tales. By Chaucer. And Shakespeare.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Appraisals David Brent: Today I'm doing the staff appraisals, and some people get a little bit nervous about that 'cos they think they're walking the long mile to put their head on the block. But they're wrong, it's a chance for them to tell me where we're going wrong. It's very much an opportunity... Gareth: -to separate the wheat from the chaff David Brent: Well, no, that sounds bad. It's not a witch-hunt, we're not trying to find out who the worst people are Gareth: Well, we know who they are already David Brent: Well, no Gareth: I've written them down on my form David Brent: You shouldn't have written them on your form Gareth: I've underlined the worst ones David Brent: You're missing the point David Brent: Yep.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Merger David Brent: Big day today, Swindon mob are arriving. I've laid on a little do for them, part of the job. If you're asking me what vibe I'm gonna lay down it's gonna be very much just a 'chill out, let's get to know each other' type of vibe.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Merger David Brent: Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me. You didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier. You've got to chill out, yeah, trust me, this is what I do, all right? You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant-fact. And you will never have another boss like me. Someone who's basically a chilled out entertainer.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Merger Trudy: But why is it that only black people should be offended by racism? David Brent: Good point... First sensible thing you've said all day.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Merger Jennifer Taylor-Clark: So you're saying is that black people ought to be flattered that their only achievement in this world is having oversized genitalia? David Brent: I'm saying they shouldn't be a ashamed of them. Jennifer Taylor-Clark: It's a myth. Gareth: I don't know, Jennifer I could show you a magazine where... literally... [holds up his hand indicating large size] Jennifer Taylor-Clark: Could you? Gareth: Well, I haven't got it with me, but next time you're in...
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Judgement David Brent: Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I've been promoted, so... every cloud. You're still thinking about the bad news aren't you?
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Judgement Jennifer Taylor-Clark: I know that you're very loyal to your family here. David Brent: I'd be loyal to his family, it's one big family. Jennifer Taylor-Clark: I'm just sensitive to the fact that you have strong, let's say emotional ties to your team. David Brent: Well, yeah, but there is the emotion as good in business syndrome, sure, notwithstanding the cruel to be kind scenarios... Jennifer Taylor-Clark: I'm sorry David, you've lost me. David Brent: Well, you're not looking at the whole pie Jenny. Wernham-Hogg is one big pie, and if they've let me in charge of that one big pie, then I'll be in charge of the pie, and the people are the fruit... Jennifer Taylor-Clark: I don't have time for the pie thing David. David Brent: Yeah, oh, well I'll take the job please.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Judgement David Brent: What's five out of seven as a percentage? Jennifer Taylor-Clark: Er... 70%. David Brent: 71.4. So... Jennifer Taylor-Clark: Call Susan and arrange the meet with the board and finalise all the details. Congratulations and good luck. David Brent: You don't need luck when you've got 71.4% of the population behind you.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - New Girl David Brent: Does a struggling salesman start turning up on a bicycle? No, he turns up in a newer car - perception, yeah? They got to trust me - I'm taking these guys into battle, yeah? And I'm doing my own stapling.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - New Girl David Brent: Me, lager. Finchy, Lager. Gareth, lager sometimes cider, so different drinks for different... needs.

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