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 | Season 8 / Episode 23: - Turf War Harry Jannerone: No, no, no, kid! Stay there, do your dishes! Go ahead! |
 | Season 8 / Episode 9: - Mrs. California Mrs. California: All right, well, it's really nice to meet you, Bryan. Ryan Howard: Uh, it's actually Ryan. Mrs. California: Oh, Ryan. Ryan Howard: [later, while being interviewed] Bitch... |
 | Season 8 / Episode 5: - Spooked Robert California: When I was a boy, there was an empty house just up the hill from my family's. It was rumored a man committed suicide there after being possessed by the devil. One day, a young woman, Lydia, moved into the house with her infant child. That very night, Lydia was awakened by a loud, heinous hissing sound. She walked to the nursery and there in baby's crib was a snake wrapped around baby's neck, squeezing tighter and tighter. The crib was full of dirt. Baby struggled to free itself from underneath, reaching and clawing, gasping for air. Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi, lurching toward the baby, for they were mummies. Amongst them was a man, tall, slim. Almost instinctively she turned to her husband. "Oh, wait," she thought, "I don't have a husband." For Lydia and her husband had had an argument, one they couldn't get past. Each night they slept one inch farther apart until one night, Lydia left. It was about this time she lost herself in an imaginary world. She had quit the book club, the choir, saying something about their high expectations. Her lips slowly grew together from disuse. Every time she wanted to act and didn't and other parts of her face hardened until it was stone. And that fevered night, she rushed to the nursery, threw open the door, "Baby, are you ok?" Baby sat up slowly, turned to Mother and said, "I'm fine Bitch. I'm fine." |
| Season 8 / Episode 5: - Spooked Robert California: Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us? How dare we let it into our decision-making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships? It's funny isn't it, we take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear? |
 | Season 8 / Episode 1: - The List Robert California: Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I'll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues and then inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch I think you're a winner, if I didn't I don't, but I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners prove me right. Losers prove me wrong. |
| Season 8 / Episode 1: - The List Ryan Howard: [while eating pizza] Oh, this crust is sharp! |
 | Season 7 / Episode 24: - Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager Dwight Schrute: I will run this branch or I will destroy this branch. Or... I don't know. Something always works out. |
| Season 7 / Episode 24: - Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager Robert California: There is only sex. Everything is sex. Do you understand that what I'm telling you is a universal truth? |
| Season 7 / Episode 24: - Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager Robert California: Do I look like someone who would waste my own time? |
| Season 7 / Episode 24: - Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager Jim Halpert: He creeps me out, but I think he's a genius. |
| Season 7 / Episode 24: - Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager Jim Halpert: Hello, Mr. Souvenier. Mr. Jacques Souvenier? Nice to meet you. It says here you're French? Jim Halpert: So you worked at your last job for 15 years as assistant to the regional manager. Dwight Schrute: [Muttering to disguise his voice] Assistant regional manager. Jim Halpert: Assistant *to the* regional manager. Dwight Schrute: Assistant regional manager. Jim Halpert: What is it? Dwight Schrute: [in French accent] Assistant regional manager. Jim Halpert: Oh, that's my mistake. Sorry about that. The last paper company you worked for burned to the ground? And all because they wouldn't hire a manager who lived and breathed paper. That's a travesty. |
| Season 7 / Episode 24: - Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager David Brent: Name: David Brent. Occupation: Inspirer. Status: None of your business. Young, free, and single, though. Thanks for asking. Hear you're looking for a new boss, yeah? Someone to tell a bunch of discontented, under-encouraged drones what to do every day. Is that it? Oh. Our out-of-touch powers that be. Want me to fire them? They don't see things your way? Then I ain't that dude. Bye-bye, baby, bye-bye. Get some other corporate suit to lay down the law. What? You've changed your mind? You're now looking for a leader of men? Ipso facto. Women, too. When do I start? Huh? |
 | Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Jim Halpert: All in favor of the baskets full of chocolates, teddy bears, and ballons. Dwight Schrute: Wait, wait. All in favor of the knapsack filled with canned goods, chainsaw, gasoline and emergency radio in case he wakes up post-apocalypse. Jim Halpert: Nope. Baskets have it. |
| Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Dwight Schrute: So I expect you to be on your best behavior, which means none of you will be insubordinate, nor will you foment insurrection. Jim Halpert: Question. If we've already fomented insurrection, may we be grandfathered in? Dwight Schrute: Define "foment." Jim Halpert: You define "foment." |
| Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Gabe Lewis: Are you still in love with Erin? Andy Bernard: What? Gabe Lewis: Because I am. I need to get her back. I can't be alone anymore. Gabe Lewis: Andy, do you like being alone with me right now? Andy Bernard: No, this is horrifying. |
| Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Dwight Schrute: Hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing? What's this? What's The Fist? Jim Halpert: It's just a social club. Like the French Revolution or The Black Panthers or communism. It's just a club. Guys talking. Dwight Schrute: You expect me to believe that you're starting a rebellion? Jim Halpert: Nope, social club. God, I hate when everybody calls us a rebellion. Dwight Schrute: Okay, you know what? I would love to join The Fist. Jim Halpert: And we would love to have you, but not today. Unfortunately, it's a bad day, what with Operation Overthrow and everything. |
| Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Gabe Lewis: Erin, I am in love with you. I don't believe in much, okay? I don't believe in horoscopes. I don't believe in Christmas. I sure as hell don't believe in God. Kelly Erin Hannon: [whispers in shock] What? Gabe Lewis: Or maybe there's a God, I don't know. It's just not a guy with a long, white beard. Gabe Lewis: Or it could be. It's possible that is exactly what God is. But for all of the disbelief, I believe in us. I believe in love. You have made me believe that for all of the hokum out there... Gabe Lewis: Do we not have voicemail? Kelly Erin Hannon: Dwight doesn't trust robots to give us our messages. |
| Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Dwight Schrute: Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me you'll be on your best behavior. Jim Halpert: I *promised* other people that I would be on my worst behavior. And I gave them my word, so... Dwight Schrute: Don't make me fire you. Jim Halpert: You can't fire me. You're acting manager, not office manager, so you have no firing powers. Dwight Schrute: Don't make me pre-fire you. Jim Halpert: [serious tone] You wouldn't dare. Dwight Schrute: Watch this. You're pre-fired. And when I'm promoted, you'll be full-fired. Jim Halpert: If you get promoted. And if you haven't fallen in love with me by then. Dwight Schrute: [shocked] What? |
| Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Dwight Schrute: Yee-haw! Woo-hoo! Dwight Schrute: [in Wild West accent] Howdy, partners. It's me, Gun Safety Dwight. And I'm the rootin'-est... Dwight Schrute: I can't do this. Um, look, obviously a gun went off under my watch and I'm launching a full investigation. Stanley Hudson: We all saw you do it. |
| Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Toby Flenderson: I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this? Dwight Schrute: Okay, really? Toby Flenderson: Would you consider this a terrorist incident? Ryan Howard: I felt terrorized. Dwight Schrute: Come on. Toby Flenderson: Oh! There's a whole other terrorism booklet for that. Dwight Schrute: I just really, really think that we should handle this internally. Ryan Howard: Dwight, why is it on us to protect you? Dwight Schrute: Because you guys are my best friends. And I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground. Dwight Schrute: And I mean that figuratively, not literally. Because you guys are so, so important to me. I love you guys, but don't cross me, but you're the best. |
| Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Jordan Garfield: Hey, Jim. Jim Halpert: Hey. Jordan Garfield: What are you doing? Jim Halpert: Just trying to process this invoice by 3:00. What are you doing? Jordan Garfield: I am making a list for Dwight on what everyone's secretly up to. Jim Halpert: No, you're not. 'Cause I'm doing that. Jordan Garfield: Don't you have a deadline? Jim Halpert: Well, it's not all about deadlines, Jordan. Jim Halpert: Does "gorilla" have two "R's"? Jordan Garfield: The animal or the soldiers? Jim Halpert: Both, actually. |
| Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Jordan Garfield: Toby got bitten by a spider, but he seems stronger than ever. Dwight Schrute: Keep tabs on that. Jordan Garfield: Phyllis was selling a bunch of beet futures. Dwight Schrute: Did she say why? Jordan Garfield: No. Oscar was on some geological Web site, checking into the seismic pressure under the building, which had increased to 39.5. Dwight Schrute: 39.5? Jordan Garfield: Is that a problem? Dwight Schrute: Oh, gee, I don't know, is a mega-volcano a problem? God, this day! |
 | Season 7 / Episode 21: - Michael's Last Dundies Jim Halpert: So you guys are filming us when we go to the bathroom now? |
| Season 7 / Episode 21: - Michael's Last Dundies Michael Scott: [Holding "World's Best Boss" mug] I bought this for myself. [Takes out Dundee award for Best Boss] And yesterday they gave me this. [Throws mug away and puts award in its place] I still need something to drink from, though. |
| Season 7 / Episode 21: - Michael's Last Dundies Dwight Schrute: I've pretty much given up on Michael doing the right thing, or the decent thing, or even the comprehensible thing. |
| Season 7 / Episode 21: - Michael's Last Dundies Michael Scott: [to Gabe] For goodness sake, this is not going to be your last day at the office. |
| Season 7 / Episode 21: - Michael's Last Dundies Michael Scott: [to the documentary crew] Hey, will you guys let me know if this ever airs? |
| Season 7 / Episode 21: - Michael's Last Dundies Michael Scott: [Michael's last line] Oh, this is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest... that's what she said. |
| Season 7 / Episode 21: - Michael's Last Dundies Toby Flenderson: Well, you know Michael, I have a brother in Boulder, Rory Flenderson. You should look him up. Michael Scott: [through his teeth] OK... |
 | Season 7 / Episode 18: - Todd Packer Angela Martin: Will you marry me? Holly Flax: No. Michael Scott: That would be hot. I'd pay to see that. |
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