Dwight Schrute

The Office

- Character Guide

Characters: #4 of 17 (Full List)

+ Add to My Characters

Played by:

Rainn Wilson
Rainn Wilson lives in Los Angeles with his wife, fiction writer 'Holiday Reinhorn' (qv) (Big Cats), ...

« Back to Character Profile

Dwight Schrute Quotes

	Season 5 / Episode 26: - Company Picnic Dwight Schrute: Normally I don't condone leaving early but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. Nah I'm kidding, he's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.
	Season 5 / Episode 18: - New Boss Dwight Schrute: Oh here's one, a string quartet playing classical music. Michael Scott: You know that's good, but that's not classy. I need something classy, like the opening of a car dealership. Jim Halpert: That's it. Or Mr. Peanut. Michael Scott: Yes! Dwight Schrute: Mr. Peanut is not classy. Michael Scott: He is. Dwight Schrute: He is a regular peanut. He just happens to have a cane, a monocle and a top hat. Michael Scott: That's what makes him classy.
	Season 5 / Episode 17: - Golden Ticket Michael Scott: Why do you have a diary? Dwight Schrute: [whispering] To keep secrets from my computer.
	Season 5 / Episode 17: - Golden Ticket Creed Bratton: Good work, kid. Dwight Schrute: Thanks old man.
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - Blood Drive Dwight Schrute: I trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - Blood Drive Meredith Palmer: She could be your soul mate. Dwight Schrute: No not likely. There are 3 billion women on the planet. Most of them live in Asia. So the numbers just don't add up.
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Lecture Circuit (Part 1) Jim Halpert: Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons? Dwight Schrute: They match the carpet! Jim Halpert: What is that? [reading a sign] It is your birthday period. Dwight Schrute: It is a statement of fact Jim Halpert: Not even an exclamation point? Dwight Schrute: This is more professional. Its not like she discovered a cure for cancer.
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Lecture Circuit (Part 1) Jim Halpert: I can't believe how bad this looks! Dwight Schrute: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately my feelings regenerate twice the speed of a normal man.
	Season 5 / Episode 13: - Stress Relief Dwight Schrute: [unfolds a letter from his jacket and reads from it] I state my regret. Jim Halpert: You couldn't have memorized that?
	Season 5 / Episode 13: - Stress Relief Dwight Schrute: It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. I say "Michael, take two steps back and stare at them from the side" and he's like "No, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them." It was only a matter of time.
	Season 5 / Episode 10: - Moroccan Christmas Dwight Schrute: In the Schrute family, we believe in the five fingered intervention; awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.
	Season 5 / Episode 10: - Moroccan Christmas Michael Scott: You know what Meredith? You let your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead? Dwight Schrute: I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick. Dwight Schrute: [Speaking to the camera] There are several ways to kill a zombie. But the most satisfying is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Frame Toby Dwight Schrute: Okay. Let's get this started. [stands up and loosens tie] Michael Scott: What are you doing? Dwight Schrute: I am the bait. [takes off his glasses] Michael Scott: For... what? Dwight Schrute: Men find me desirable. Michael Scott: No no no. Dwight Schrute: Oh it's a good day too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt. Michael Scott: You're the bait for Toby? For one thing he's not gay. And if somebody were to be bait it would be Jim. Or Ryan. Or me. Dwight Schrute: Men find me desirable. Michael Scott: Yes. Sure they do Dwight.
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Frame Toby Dwight Schrute: There's still one thing we can do to get Toby fired. Michael Scott: What's that? [Dwight closes the office door] Dwight Schrute: Frame him. For using drugs. Michael Scott: Frame him? Dwight Schrute: Yeah. It's illegal, but, everything they do on The Shield is illegal.
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Frame Toby Dwight Schrute: [walking into the conference room eating beef jerky] Brownies is it? Hmph. Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat. No thank you, I'll stick with my jerky. Jim Halpert: So why'd you come in here? Dwight Schrute: To socialize. And inform.
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Frame Toby Michael Scott: I've never framed a man before, have you? Dwight Schrute: Oh I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Frame Toby Dwight Schrute: I love catching people in the act. It's why I always whip open doors.
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Frame Toby Dwight Schrute: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No. I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later I get a postcard. I have a son, and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadaro. She's been waiting for me all these years, she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Frame Toby Dwight Schrute: Brownies, is it? [scoffs] Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No thank you, I'll stick with my jerkey. Jim Halpert: So why'd you come in here? Dwight Schrute: To socialize... and inform.
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Frame Toby Dwight Schrute: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Customer Survey Jim Halpert: That is me. Wish me luck. Dwight Schrute: No way. Pam Beesley: [on Jim's bluetooth] Good luck! Jim Halpert: Thanks! Dwight Schrute: I didn't say anything... Pam Beesley: I love you. Jim Halpert: I love you too. Dwight Schrute: I didn't... What do you think I am saying to you?
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Customer Survey Dwight Schrute: You juked the stats, cupcake.
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - Business Ethics Jim Halpert: Hey Andy, by any chance did you see Battlestar Galactica last night? Andy Bernard: No, I didn't. Is it any good? Jim Halpert: Actually not. It was really so-so. Dwight Schrute: Okay... Jim Halpert: I mean like all the crazy monsters and stuff, you know like Klingons and Wookiees and all of that... Jim Halpert: I'm sorry, Dwight, did you want to say something? Andy Bernard: Was that anything like the original Battlestar Galactica? Jim Halpert: You know it's weird, it's practically a shot-for-shot remake. Andy Bernard: Really? Huh... that's cool. Jim Halpert: Yeah, and the story is kinda bland. It's about this guy, Dumbledore Calrissian, who's got to take The Ring back to Mordor. Andy Bernard: Really? That doesn't sound right.
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - Business Ethics Oscar Martinez: Once in a while I'll take a long lunch. Michael Scott: A siesta. Dwight Schrute: Time thief! Time thief! Fire him! Jim Halpert: Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time? Dwight Schrute: Never! Michael Scott: You are a thief of joy.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Weight Loss Dwight Schrute: Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also, Kevin.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Weight Loss Dwight Schrute: Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Weight Loss Dwight Schrute: This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to randomly select 3 names and these 3 people will get liposuction... ahhhh... Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills.
	Season 4 / Episode 14: - Goodbye Toby Jim Halpert: Dwight left his cell phone on his desk so, naturally, I paired it to my headset. Dwight Schrute: [while phone is ringing] Okay, fine. I'll just let it go to voice mail. Jim Halpert: [Presses button on headset] Hello, this is Dwight. Pam Beesley: Hey, is this Dwight? Jim Halpert: Yes, it is. Pam Beesley: Oh my goodness, you sound sexy. Jim Halpert: Thank you. I've been working out. Dwight Schrute: Whoa! Whoa! Pam! Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now! You are talking to Jim! Pam Beesley: Dwight? Dwight Schrute: No! Pam, I'm over here! Pam Beesley: I'm confused...
	Season 4 / Episode 12: - Did I Stutter? Dwight Schrute: [pushing Michael's face into wet cement] Force it in as deep as you can. Michael Scott: [through gritted teeth] That's what she said.
	Season 4 / Episode 9: - Dinner Party Dwight Schrute: I'll take care of this. What seems to be the problem officers? Cop #1: Not now Dwight.

« previous12 3 4 5 6 7 8 next »

Previous: Pam Beesly

Next: Michael Scott

» Back to The Office TV Show