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Dwight Schrute Quotes
 | Season 7 / Episode 24: - Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager Dwight Schrute: I will run this branch or I will destroy this branch. Or... I don't know. Something always works out. |
| Season 7 / Episode 24: - Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager Jim Halpert: Hello, Mr. Souvenier. Mr. Jacques Souvenier? Nice to meet you. It says here you're French? Jim Halpert: So you worked at your last job for 15 years as assistant to the regional manager. Dwight Schrute: [Muttering to disguise his voice] Assistant regional manager. Jim Halpert: Assistant *to the* regional manager. Dwight Schrute: Assistant regional manager. Jim Halpert: What is it? Dwight Schrute: [in French accent] Assistant regional manager. Jim Halpert: Oh, that's my mistake. Sorry about that. The last paper company you worked for burned to the ground? And all because they wouldn't hire a manager who lived and breathed paper. That's a travesty. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Jim Halpert: All in favor of the baskets full of chocolates, teddy bears, and ballons. Dwight Schrute: Wait, wait. All in favor of the knapsack filled with canned goods, chainsaw, gasoline and emergency radio in case he wakes up post-apocalypse. Jim Halpert: Nope. Baskets have it. |
| Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Dwight Schrute: So I expect you to be on your best behavior, which means none of you will be insubordinate, nor will you foment insurrection. Jim Halpert: Question. If we've already fomented insurrection, may we be grandfathered in? Dwight Schrute: Define "foment." Jim Halpert: You define "foment." |
| Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Dwight Schrute: Hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing? What's this? What's The Fist? Jim Halpert: It's just a social club. Like the French Revolution or The Black Panthers or communism. It's just a club. Guys talking. Dwight Schrute: You expect me to believe that you're starting a rebellion? Jim Halpert: Nope, social club. God, I hate when everybody calls us a rebellion. Dwight Schrute: Okay, you know what? I would love to join The Fist. Jim Halpert: And we would love to have you, but not today. Unfortunately, it's a bad day, what with Operation Overthrow and everything. |
| Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Dwight Schrute: Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me you'll be on your best behavior. Jim Halpert: I *promised* other people that I would be on my worst behavior. And I gave them my word, so... Dwight Schrute: Don't make me fire you. Jim Halpert: You can't fire me. You're acting manager, not office manager, so you have no firing powers. Dwight Schrute: Don't make me pre-fire you. Jim Halpert: [serious tone] You wouldn't dare. Dwight Schrute: Watch this. You're pre-fired. And when I'm promoted, you'll be full-fired. Jim Halpert: If you get promoted. And if you haven't fallen in love with me by then. Dwight Schrute: [shocked] What? |
| Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Dwight Schrute: Yee-haw! Woo-hoo! Dwight Schrute: [in Wild West accent] Howdy, partners. It's me, Gun Safety Dwight. And I'm the rootin'-est... Dwight Schrute: I can't do this. Um, look, obviously a gun went off under my watch and I'm launching a full investigation. Stanley Hudson: We all saw you do it. |
| Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Toby Flenderson: I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this? Dwight Schrute: Okay, really? Toby Flenderson: Would you consider this a terrorist incident? Ryan Howard: I felt terrorized. Dwight Schrute: Come on. Toby Flenderson: Oh! There's a whole other terrorism booklet for that. Dwight Schrute: I just really, really think that we should handle this internally. Ryan Howard: Dwight, why is it on us to protect you? Dwight Schrute: Because you guys are my best friends. And I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground. Dwight Schrute: And I mean that figuratively, not literally. Because you guys are so, so important to me. I love you guys, but don't cross me, but you're the best. |
| Season 7 / Episode 23: - The Inner Circle Jordan Garfield: Toby got bitten by a spider, but he seems stronger than ever. Dwight Schrute: Keep tabs on that. Jordan Garfield: Phyllis was selling a bunch of beet futures. Dwight Schrute: Did she say why? Jordan Garfield: No. Oscar was on some geological Web site, checking into the seismic pressure under the building, which had increased to 39.5. Dwight Schrute: 39.5? Jordan Garfield: Is that a problem? Dwight Schrute: Oh, gee, I don't know, is a mega-volcano a problem? God, this day! |
 | Season 7 / Episode 21: - Michael's Last Dundies Dwight Schrute: I've pretty much given up on Michael doing the right thing, or the decent thing, or even the comprehensible thing. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 17: - Threat Level Midnight Dwight Schrute: All right, picture this. Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A rabid pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. There's only one hope for you: the door to my shelter. You pound. You beg. "Dwight, please let me in." But I ignore your cries and do not let you in. You want to know why? Jim Halpert: Because of the sign that says, "No pounding, no begging." |
| Season 7 / Episode 17: - Threat Level Midnight Kevin Malone: [to Todd] Your life is so insane. You should write a book. Todd Packer: Since when did you learn how to read? Kevin Malone: [still smiling] I do know how to read, though. Todd Packer: Yeah. You know how to read a menu. This guy... Kevin Malone: [to Holly and Dwight] I... He's right. I mean, I could lose some weight. Dwight Schrute: Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up-and-comer. |
| Season 7 / Episode 17: - Threat Level Midnight Jim Halpert: All right, well, this isn't my best, but call Froggy 101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets. We give them a number to call for the tickets, and it's his number. Dwight Schrute: Who is Justice Beaver? Jim Halpert: He... It's a crime-fighting beaver. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 16: - PDA Dwight Schrute: We've searched the whole building, Goldenface. Where is the bomb? Goldenface: Hmm? Dwight Schrute: We've searched the whole building, Goldenface. Where is the bomb? Goldenface: Hmm? Dwight Schrute: We've searched the... Okay. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 12: - Classy Christmas Part 2 of 2 Dwight Schrute: What'd you get? Darryl Philbin: A book about oceans. Dwight Schrute: Oh, really? What else? Let me see. Darryl Philbin: That's porn. Pornography. Old lady. Nasty porn. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 11: - Classy Christmas Part 1 of 2 Dwight Schrute: In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all; it's fear. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 8: - Viewing Party Dwight Schrute: In the Schrute family, the youngest child always raises the others. I've been raising children since I was a baby. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 4: - Sex Ed Dwight Schrute: Now, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 1: - Nepotism Jim Halpert: Wow, that's a lot of keys. Dwight Schrute: The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man. Jim Halpert: That's right. The janitor said that. |
| Season 7 / Episode 1: - Nepotism Dwight Schrute: Who's gonna tell on us? Gabe? Gabe Lewis: That'd be hilarious. "Joe, they're creating a hostile working environment! Stop them!" [laughs] |
 | Season 6 / Episode 25: - Whistleblower Dwight Schrute: [about their agreement] But not in your bed. It's lumpy. Angela Martin: Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names. And those names are Amber, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy. |
 | Season 6 / Episode 23: - The Cover-Up Dwight Schrute: Just once, I would like to be a puppet master and have nothing go wrong. Is that too much to ask? |
 | Season 6 / Episode 17: - The Delivery (2) Dwight Schrute: They say no man is an island. False! I am an island, and this island is volcanic, and it's about to erupt with the hot molten lava of strategy. |
 | Season 6 / Episode 16: - The Delivery (1) Jo Bennett: Do you always stay seated when a lady enters the room? Dwight Schrute: I am treating you the same as a man, for whom I would also not stand. Unless it was the President, or Judge Judy. Jo Bennett: I like that. |
 | Season 6 / Episode 12: - Secret Santa Dwight Schrute: In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching. |
 | Season 6 / Episode 10: - Shareholders Meeting Jim Halpert: Okay, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you. Dwight Schrute: That is correct, unless there happen to be measles present. |
| Season 6 / Episode 10: - Shareholders Meeting Dwight Schrute: You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize. |
| Season 6 / Episode 10: - Shareholders Meeting Dwight Schrute: Voodoo Mama Juju, explain your dalliance with the dark arts. Angela Martin: It's not my fault. I was exposed to "Harry Potter." Dwight Schrute: I know you did it! Dwight Schrute: [to the camera crew] I know she didn't do it. It's never the person you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis, a.k.a. Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect. |
| Season 6 / Episode 10: - Shareholders Meeting Phyllis Vance: [in her game character] "I overheard you asking the butler where the pistol was kept." Dwight Schrute: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm the butler. What, you were listening in on that? Oh, you rich people, you think you can do whatever you want to the servant class! Michael Scott: No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing. Dwight Schrute: I will poison your food. |
 | Season 6 / Episode 9: - Murder Dwight Schrute: [to camera crew] Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends, so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Jeez, when did everyone get so cynical? |
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