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 | Season 2 / Episode 17: - Parking Spot Schmidt: What fuels men? Competition, and sex. That's why the United Nations was born, that's why girls aren't allowed on pirate ships, and that's why there's a No Nail Oath in apartment 4D. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 22: - Tomatoes Jess: The Batmobile doesn't have this many buttons! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 20: - Normal Russell: Those boxers you borrowed, I'm gonna need those back. They're my lucky underpants. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 17: - Fancyman (Part 1) Winston: You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 16: - Control Jess: No, I mean you're like aging ballerina, child chess prodigy, professional magician crazy. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 15: - Injured Nick: I don't have a vagina. Sweet Older Woman: You can have mine. Jess: I heard that, sistah. Sweet Older Woman: True dat. |
| Season 1 / Episode 15: - Injured Jess: How many ears did Daniel Boone have? He had a left ear, a right ear, and a [suddenly musical] Front-ier! Jess: Frontier. Get it? Nick: You don't get to speak at my funeral. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 11: - Jess and Julia Schmidt: Well, let me ask you this: have you been wearing my underpants? Nick: Sometimes, yeah. Who cares? [Schmidt makes a gagging face] Nick: [to Schmidt and Winston] You guys don't wear each other's underpants? You're lying. We all wear each other's underwear. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 7: - Bells Nick Miller: Do you know sucks about getting older? Your friends have known you way too long, they got too much on you. I want to have friends to still lie to me because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kind of mean that. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 4: - Naked Schmidt: [about Nick's penis] Why haven't I seen it? Winston: Why do you wanna see it? Schmidt: He's my best friend. Winston: Again, why do you wanna see it? |
 | Season 1 / Episode 3: - Wedding Jess Day: He's so soft as a towel. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 1: - Pilot Schmidt: I'll be, like, your guide. Jessica Day: Like Gandalf... through Middle Earth? Schmidt: Probably not like... okay... first off let's take the Lord of the Rings references and put them in a deep, dark cave where no one's going to find them. Jessica Day: Except Sméagol... Jessica Day: He lives in a cave. |
| Season 1 / Episode 1: - Pilot Hot Hostess: [from trailer] You're all on a date? Nick: Yeah, we, uh, we're her boyfriends. We're reverse Mormons. One man just isn't enough for her. |
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