The Muppet Show Quotes

The Muppet Show

- Episode Quotes

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The Muppet Show Quotes

	Season 5 / Episode 24: - Melissa Manchester Roger Moore: Kermit, is it always like this on the show? Kermit: Like what, Roger? Roger Moore: Well, all this craziness. Kermit: Oh, well, actually this has been a rather quiet show for us. No unforeseen disasters so far. Roger Moore: No unforeseen disasters? Kermit: Uh, that was a disaster we knew about all along.
	Season 5 / Episode 24: - Melissa Manchester Statler: Well I guess I'll go talk to the animals. Waldorf: What animals? Statler: The wife and kids.
	Season 5 / Episode 24: - Melissa Manchester Rowlf the Dog: [as Dr. Bob treating a Viking pig] I know all about them - they come from Denmark. One of my ancestors was a Viking! Miss Piggy: Oh, this isn't going to be a Great Dane joke, is it? Rowlf the Dog: Well, it's a Dane joke, but I wouldn't call it great.
	Season 5 / Episode 22: - Marty Feldman Buddy Rich: He looks like a sore loser. Dr. Teeth: Yeah, well, if this chain breaks, you're gonna be a sore winner. Animal... are you ready? Animal: [waking up and seeing Buddy] Kill! Kill! Buddy Rich: Yup, he's ready!
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - Debbie Harry Pops: Who're you? Gladys Knight: I'm Gladys Knight. Pops: Yeah, me, too. I'm always glad it's night, it's too hot during the day.
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - Johnny Cash Carol Burnett: Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen. Kermit: What were the other two? Carol Burnett: There are no other two; I was just being kind.
	Season 5 / Episode 11: - Joan Baez Paul Simon: [after dispatching Rowlf by working a trapdoor lever] I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever.
	Season 5 / Episode 11: - Joan Baez Gonzo: [singing] For you, I'd wash my hair with stinky glue, I'd fry my legs and eat them too, I'd put a spider in my shoe, for you. That was the first verse. Would you like to hear the other 28?
	Season 5 / Episode 11: - Joan Baez Kermit the Frog: OK, well, we've done a lot for the music-lovers on the show, so it's time we did something for the music-haters. So here he is, as threatened, the Great Gonzo singing a song. [cheers weakly] Yay. Uh, those of you with hearing aids may wish to remove the batteries.
	Season 5 / Episode 11: - Joan Baez Gonzo: As long as I'm here, I'd like to donate my body to science. Rowlf the Dog: With your body, it would be donated to science fiction. Janice: To donate your body, don't you have to be dead? Gonzo: So what? I believe in re-incarnation. Miss Piggy: What would you come back as next time? Gonzo: How should I know? I don't even know what I am this time.
	Season 5 / Episode 11: - Joan Baez Kermit the Frog: Gonzo, you're not going to sing are you? Why don't you do that act you rehearsed? Gonzo: What? Perform an underwater heart transplant on myself? Kermit the Frog: Sure, why not? Gonzo: I don't know. Last time I did it, I died!
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Tony Randall Statlor: What's that noise? Waldorf: I think it's Lewis Carrol turning over in his grave. [They both laugh]
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Brooke Shields Kermit the Frog: Oh, boy, finally we have a real Hollywood tough guy on this show. James Coburn: [Animal enters, flinging a squid he attacked from the first act off him, and breaking a chair around his neck] What do you call this - the Easter bunny?
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Carol Burnett Scooter: Hey, Beau, want to know what you're gonna be doing in future? Beauregard: I don't even know what I'm doing now!
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Carol Burnett Beauregard: The world is going to end and when it does, something will happen that has never happened before. Janice: You mean like if Dr. Bob actually cured a patient? Rowlf the Dog: [as Dr. Bob] Or if Nurse Janice ever kept her mouth shut? Miss Piggy: Or if we ever got one honest laugh? Rowlf the Dog: Well, if the world's waiting for that, it will be around for a long time. Cue the announcer!
	Season 4 / Episode 24: - Alan Arkin Fozzie Bear: [running on-stage] Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! [the crowd boos loudly; running off-stage] Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Statler: [Waldorf holds up a score card that says "1"] You gave him a 1? Waldorf: He's never been better.
	Season 4 / Episode 24: - Alan Arkin Announcer: Is this the end of Pigs in Space? Crowd: YES! Announcer: Tune in next week when ... Crowd: NO! Announcer: All right, then, don't; see if I care.
	Season 4 / Episode 19: - Jonathan Winters Miss Piggy: Holy Guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig. Lynda Carter: Wonder Pig?
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - Dizzy Gillespie Luke Skywalker: [pointing at Miss Piggy, who's dressed like Princess Leia] Look, it's the Princess! C-3PO: She doesn't look like the Princess to me. Miss Piggy: [sternly, to C-3PO] Watch it, hardware!
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - Dizzy Gillespie Miss Piggy: [pulling Luke down, dressed as Princess Leia] Look, Skywalker, play along or I'll cut you in half... Luke Skywalker: Look! It's the princess! C-3PO: She doesn't look like a princess. Miss Piggy: Watch it, hardware...
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - Dizzy Gillespie C-3PO: Excuse me, Master Luke, but where are we? Mark Hamill: [as Luke Skywalker] Beats me, '3PO. We appear to have landed on some sort of comedy-variety show planet...
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - Dizzy Gillespie Luke Skywalker, C-3PO: [with Piggy, Link, and Strangepork] Oh, no, Derth Nader! [looks at camera] Who? Gonzo: The world will never know!
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - Dizzy Gillespie Capt. Link Hogthrob: [to Luke] Who's your tailor? I love that outfit!
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - Dizzy Gillespie Gonzo: [to Luke] Who's your tailor? I love that outfit!
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - Dizzy Gillespie Mark Hamill: [to Luke] Who's your tailor? I love that outfit!
	Season 4 / Episode 7: - Victor Borge Waldorf: [after a musical number with bugs] That number made me nostalgic. Statler: Nostalgic for what? Waldorf: DDT.
	Season 4 / Episode 3: - Shields & Yarnell Scooter: Shield's and Yarnell. Fifteen seconds to curtain, Shields and Yarnell. Kermit's finally booked guest stars weirder than we are.
	Season 4 / Episode 2: - Linda Lavin Scooter: [to Kermit] Gee boss, I've never seen you naked before. [Kermit runs off screaming]
	Season 3 / Episode 24: - Leslie Uggams Kermit: Are we ready back there? Voice: Who wants to know? Kermit: I do.
	Season 3 / Episode 23: - Lynn Redgrave Muppet Newsman: [ringing bell] 5 o'clock and all's well! 5 o'clock and all's well! Except that Maid Marian has been kidnapped, the sheriff's up to no good, that dog is stealing the cheese, Kermit's mad at Piggy, and it's really only 4:30.

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