The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson Quotes

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson Quotes

	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: It's eight years, now, isn't it? Um, what happened eight years ago, wh- it's such a terrible assault, such a, such an awful shock, such a, such a world-changing moment, and, and then, um... and, and of course it sent us reeling, and, and then, and then it started off a whole chain of events, and that was all, oh god, and, and - uh, the event in itself was - was - was cataclysmic. But, um... we're still here. And we're better than ever. And we're gonna be here. And I know that this, uh, this show goes out on, um, you know, uh... uh, the Internet, and, and computers, and, you know and people pirate it, and, you know - I, I can't think for the life of me why they do this, but... but it, but, but this happens, so, so there - it, it's conceivable - it's conceivable that, um, that even people who do not like the United States of America will see this show, who, people who are, uh, not our friends may be able to see this show. So, if you are watching, first of all, - - - -. And then - and then... Craig Ferguson: Please, please - please, it, it - I'm preparing a speech for the United Nations. And also... Craig Ferguson: And secondly, uh, you should probably be in possession of some information: We're not goin' anywhere. We're not goin' anywhere - not now, not then, not in the future, we're not goin' anywhere. We're here; we are the United States of America. We are more than a country; we are a dream. Craig Ferguson: And we're not goin' anywhere.
	Season 3 / Episode 35: - Jennifer Tilly, Miami Ink's Ami James, Rodney Atkins Craig Ferguson: This is a great day for people who do what I do, this is a great day for talk-show hosts. Remember when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face? It's like one of those days. It's like when Mel Gibson went crazy and blamed the Jewish people for everything, it's one of those days, it's fantastic.
	Season 2 / Episode 90: - Jenny McCarthy, Gomez, Jim Short Craig Ferguson: Remember, if you spend the weekend with Dick, you're going to get a shot in the face...
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: [holding up a black and white headshot of a guest] He's in black and white here, but he'll be in color when he comes out.
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: Big props to my homie Mos Def.
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: I can't live by your rules, man!
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: [an e-mailer asked Craig why he doesn't grow a beard] I have a beard. Just not on my face...
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: I only like sports that Bond villains played.
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: [repeated line, at the start of the monologues] It is a great day for America, and I'll tell you why.
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I’m saying...
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: [Referring to Smokey the Bear] Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: You know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years old. That's a law: before you can call something an antique, it has to be a hundred years old. In L.A., something that's been around for a couple of weeks is an antique. It's true! People are like, "Look at this old-fashioned iPod. Look at this! It's the size of a man's hand! Ha ha ha ha. Back then-back then, people thought Mel Gibson was just acting crazy. It was a very different time."
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: [On '70s-era Scottish porn] The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well YOU, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: [referring to Halloween or Friday the 13th] Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey.
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: I know what you're thinking: yet another late night talk show host accusing Neil Sedaka of being a war criminal.
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: That's not really wrestling. That's just throwing a snake.
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: I know!
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: You too, ladies!
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: [at the end of jokes] Remind you of anyone?
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: You notice, this cup is bigger than that cup. It's like a BRA!
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: Come to my house!
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.
	Unknown Episode: Craig Ferguson: I KNOW that's not the right accent, but I can't DO the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.

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