The Larry Sanders Show Quotes

The Larry Sanders Show

- Episode Quotes

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The Larry Sanders Show Quotes

	Season 6 / Episode 10: - Putting the "Gay" Back in Litigation Arthur: [to Phil] Brian has filed a lawsuit against The Larry Sanders Show for sexual harrassment, and you've got top billing. Larry: Plus, you stole my 'gay dog' joke. What is that about?
	Season 6 / Episode 5: - The Interview Hank Kingsley: Dear [Vince] Vaughn, I'm sorry about the shit I put on your car. Please forgive me. The girl I'm dating is crazy and didn't tell me she hit my car so I assumed it was you. Women - what are you going to do? By the way, I thought SWINGERS was a hoot-and-a-half. Regards, Hank Kingsley.
	Season 5 / Episode 7: - Make a Wish Norman Litkey: We are in competition on this thing with every major motion picture studio. No-one from television ever gets on. Larry Sanders: What about George Clooney? Norman Litkey: Well, he's Batman for Christ's sake! Larry Sanders: Yeah? Norman Litkey: I mean do you have any idea what kind of publicity machine Warner Bros. has? They could get Elmer fucking Fudd on that list!
	Season 5 / Episode 3: - Where is the Love? Arthur: Okay. Well, let's put it this way. You've got people in an office, discussing religion, it separates them. Now you take our little group, Phil is a Buddhist... Beverly is a Christian, Paula is an atheist, but we all join hands to put this show together every night and I don't want you to fuck that up. Hank Kingsley: What religion is Larry? Arthur: Larry is a talk show host. Shalom, baby.
	Season 5 / Episode 3: - Where is the Love? Arthur: Okay. Well, let's put it this way. You've got people in an office, discussing religion, it separates them. Now you take our little group, Phil is a buddhist... Beverly is a christian, Paula is an athiest, but we all join hands to put this show together every night and I don't want you to fuck that up. Hank Kingsley: What religion is Larry? Arthur: Larry is a talk show host. Shalom, baby.
	Season 4 / Episode 10: - Conflict of Interest Larry Sanders: Is he making this up as he goes along? Arthur: He's telling an American story. Larry Sanders: I thought he was going to do his hit. Arthur: I think he's doing his bong hit.
	Season 4 / Episode 7: - Hank's Sex Tape Hank Kingsley: People think of Hank Kingsley as a, just a 'meat-and-potatoes' guy. You know? A guy you can invite over for dinner. 'Hey Hank, what are you doing tonight? Do you want some dinner? Come on over! We're having some meat and potatoes. What's that? You can't make it? You're busy? What are you doing?' WELL I'M JUST FUCKING TWO WOMEN! [pause] Jesus, can you say something? Sid Bessell: It's cycles! Show-business is cycles. Hank Kingsley: Do you understand how humiliating this is? Do you understand how exposed I feel? My God, I could lose the Orange Grower's deal! Sid Bessell: Who knew you were going to pull out your pecker on camera. Hank Kingsley: This is what you choose to say to me at this moment.
	Season 4 / Episode 7: - Hank's Sex Tape Henry Winkler: I just heard that you were coming out with some kind of a tape... an exercise tape. Congratulations. Hank Kingsley: What is that, a joke? What, are you trying to be funny? You know, you can't just bang a jukebox and go, "ayyyyy" and all your problems disappear, Fonzie. Henry Winkler: [pause] It worked for me. Hank Kingsley: Go fuck yourself.
	Season 4 / Episode 7: - Hank's Sex Tape Norm MacDonald: Hey... have you seen Hank's tape? Man, it's unbelievable. The guy's got a huge cock on him. Henry Winkler: [pause] Then why is he so upset?
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Roseanne's Return Arthur: Ivanka is in on Thursday. She's slim and sexy. She puts the 'supe' in supermodel. Larry Sanders: Thursday? Arthur: Yeah. Why don't you have dinner with her tonight? Larry Sanders: Maybe go over the questions? Arthur: Precisely. Ivanka! Keep your mind off of Roseanne. Larry Sanders: Hey, Roseanne who? Arthur: These days, who the fuck knows.
	Season 3 / Episode 12: - Doubt of the Benefit Hank Kingsley: For your information Miss Smartypants, I've been thinking about dropping Alzheimer's for 5 years - c'mon guys, where's the cure?
	Season 3 / Episode 12: - Doubt of the Benefit Hank Kingsley: Be on the phone and be sure you get me something for this Saturday and Darlene, remember ... Darlene Chapinni: Oh yeah, nothing contagious.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Warmth Episode Larry: I'm telling you, I have a real problem. Twenty people could say they liked me, Artie, and I am telling you I'd still be thinking seventeen of them are lying. Two of them probably have severe emotional problems and one of them is probably confusing me with Larry King.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - The Garden Weasel (a.k.a. What Have You Done For Me Lately?) Makeup Artist: [remarking on Larry's black eye] Ooh, that's a beauty! Larry: Yeah, I was tying my shoes this morning and I walked into the door... bumped my head. Makeup Artist: Whatever. Larry: Nah, that's what really happened... Alright, a woman hit me. Makeup Artist: Miss Parrish. Larry: How'd you know that? Makeup Artist: Everyone in the loop knows. Larry: You're kidding... Hank Kingsley: [entering room] Hey guys... WOAH! What a shiner! What happened to you?
	Unknown Episode: Artie: I speak fluent bullshit.
	Unknown Episode: Artie: Hello oh great one. Larry: Are you talking to me or my ass?
	Unknown Episode: Larry: You know in fact, Hank, what I was thinking was next year when we have the going away party, let me and Artie take care of the stripper because we can probably find one that doesnt know ya.
	Unknown Episode: Hank Kingsley: What about the time I chipped my tooth on the bathroom urinal? What the FUCK is so comical about that! Larry: It was a back tooth Hank. [under his breath] I don't know how you did it.
	Unknown Episode: Arthur: You'll have to forgive Hank. His heart's in the right place but he keeps his brain in a box at home.
	Unknown Episode: Larry: Hey Warren. Warren Beatty: [disinterested] Hey Larry. Larry: Hey listen, would you like to come on my show tomorrow night and just say hello and goodbye to me? Because it's the end of the whole thing tomorrow night. Warren Beatty: I could say goodbye to you now.
	Unknown Episode: Larry: Thank you very much. No flipping.
	Unknown Episode: Jerry Seinfeld: Anyway Larry, we're going to enjoy watching you in syndication, after this. Larry: This show isn't going to be syndicated. Jerry Seinfeld: Oh that's right, that's me.
	Unknown Episode: Arthur: You finally got to do a sketch with the great Carol Burnett! Larry: It wasn't a sketch. It was a massive spastic fuck-up. Arthur: Tomayto, tomahto!
	Unknown Episode: Hank Kingsley: [dictating "Hank's Thoughts" for a newsletter]: If I had my druthers, there would be no more world hunger.
	Unknown Episode: Hank Kingsley: Hey now! Larry: Now you see, I just told you to stop saying that.
	Unknown Episode: Arthur: [talking to a janitor after hours] Dimitri, my man, you and I both clean up shit for a living. The only difference is my shit talks back.
	Unknown Episode: Larry: So... Dana Carvey: I'll host. Larry: Don't host... host.
	Unknown Episode: Arthur: Your fly is undone. Larry: Oh, thanks. Arthur: Just doing my job. Larry: It's your job to look at my crotch? Arthur: I consider it one of my perks.
	Unknown Episode: Stevie Grant: I had sex with a lesbian once. Best piece of ass I ever had. Artie: You're supposed to have sex with two lesbians, that's the point.
	Unknown Episode: Hank Kingsley: [giving a tour] And if you stop by here, you can say hello to my good friend, Larry Sanders. [knocks] Hey now, Larry. Larry: Fuck off, Hank. Hank Kingsley: [getting back to tour] And over here...

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