The King of Queens Quotes

The King of Queens

- Episode Quotes

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The King of Queens Quotes

	Season 9 / Episode 8: - Offensive Fowl Deacon Palmer: How's the new job? Spence Olchin: How do you think it's going? I stand all day on the sidewalk carrying this. Danny Heffernan: Yeah, well, at least no one's peeing on you like when you worked in the subway. Spence Olchin: Heh. Guess again.
	Season 9 / Episode 8: - Offensive Fowl Carrie Heffernan: Doug, I don't understand. You eat fast food two, three times a week. It never occurred to you that animals are involved? Doug Heffernan: Because they don't make it look like an animal! They're very clever that way.
	Season 9 / Episode 8: - Offensive Fowl Mr. Kaufman: My wife thinks 1,100 pages is too long for a book. Sometimes I forget she is only 29.
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - Moxie Moron Doug Heffernan: I might get fired! Carrie Heffernan: Don't worry, you'll get better. Doug Heffernan: You think so? Carrie Heffernan: Nooooo!
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - Moxie Moron Doug Heffernan: What smells like mustard? Carrie Heffernan: My bonus.
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - Moxie Moron Deacon Palmer: This co-supervisor thing ain't working out for me. Doug Heffernan: What are you trying to say? Deacon Palmer: I'm saying you suck and I want you out of here.
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - Moxie Moron Doug Heffernan: You ever done it with a supervisor before? Carrie Heffernan: When I worked at Shoe Town... and Beverage Barn.
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - Moxie Moron Deacon Palmer: I'm not going to get fired for your mistake. Doug Heffernan: They're not going to fire you; you're a minority!
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Doug Heffernan: She called last night and, uh, well, we talked. Deacon Palmer: Well, why didn't you just tell her you weren't the same guy? Doug Heffernan: I tried, but Carrie was standing right there Deacon Palmer: So now she thinks you ARE the Doug Heffernan she slept with? Doug Heffernan: Yes, and I may have told her I love her. Deacon Palmer: Wow, you know for someone who's done nothing wrong, you've dug yourself quite a hole here.
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Carrie Heffernan: [on machine] It's me. Listen, real quick, there's a pie in the fridge. It's for my book club, please don't touch it. Doug... please.
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Spence Olchin: I was in the other day. I told her I was allergic to peanuts, and Sienna remembered. Danny Heffernan: That doesn't mean she's into you, alright. It means she doesn't want to have to open your throat with a pen.
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Ken: [on machine] Hi, it's Ken. I hope this is the Doug Heffernan I met on Fire Island last Sunday. Anyway, I'd love to take you up on that cup of coffee. Call me. Carrie Heffernan: What's goin' on here, Doug? Doug Heffernan: THAT you believe?
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Jessica: [on machine] I can't help thinking about last Saturday, lying naked in the sand. I still quiver when I think about being with you. Kelly: [Kelly and Carrie laugh] She did not just say "quiver." Carrie Heffernan: She did, and Doug was afraid that I would think it was him! [they laugh even more]
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Doug Heffernan: You need your feet to move around! Deacon Palmer: You have feet, you don't move around.
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Doug Heffernan: We didn't have sex in the technical sense. Deacon Palmer: You didn't have sex in ANY sense.
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Doug Heffernan: I should go out and have a real affair just to show her! Deacon Palmer: You serious? Doug Heffernan: Nah, sounds like a lot of work.
	Season 9 / Episode 1: - Mama Cast Charlotte: There's this really cute boy at school. Carrie Heffernan: Michael? Charlotte: Yeah, but he likes Donna Pizzoni. Carrie Heffernan: Well, just make him like you, instead Charlotte: How? Carrie Heffernan: Well, you just start a nasty rumor about the other girl. You know? "She's a skank" or "she's poor." Could be anything, really, and before you know it, you'll be wearing his varsity jacket.
	Season 9 / Episode 1: - Mama Cast Carrie Heffernan: Bad news ... Doug Heffernan: If it's about being out of mini-donuts, I'm aware, and I am not happy.
	Season 9 / Episode 1: - Mama Cast Doug Heffernan: [eyeing pamphlet] "Wealth Building Annuities"... stupid.
	Season 9 / Episode 1: - Mama Cast Carrie Heffernan: I think it's going to happen. I'm actually going to kill you this time.
	Season 9 / Episode 1: - Mama Cast Doug Heffernan: Alright, I gotta take a little bathroom break. Who wants to watch the truck? [points to fat kid] Ain't going to happen.
	Season 8 / Episode 23: - Acting Out Arthur Spooner: How dare you go through my personal things! Doug Heffernan: You go through my stuff all the time. Arthur Spooner: That is a lie. Doug Heffernan: Yesterday I caught you eating my ChapStick.
	Season 8 / Episode 23: - Acting Out Doug Heffernan: Good luck, Arthur Arthur Spooner: Thank you; and what can I say except: I hope you die, you fat pig!
	Season 8 / Episode 22: - Fight Schlub Carrie Heffernan: Doug, did you see my blue camisol? Doug Heffernan: I'd be more help if I knew what a camisol was.
	Season 8 / Episode 22: - Fight Schlub Arthur Spooner: You're painted like a whore and you're smoking cigarettes. The whore part I'm used to, but the smoking'll kill you!
	Season 8 / Episode 21: - Hartford Wailer Carrie Heffernan: Didn't you get my message? Doug Heffernan: No, my phone's on vibrate, I left it in my pocket, and - do you have a cigarette?
	Season 8 / Episode 20: - Four Play Arthur Spooner: I couldn't help overhearing - I was eavesdropping. Gloria: No offense, but I'm not taking advice from someone who bounces a check for $1.42.
	Season 8 / Episode 20: - Four Play Doug Heffernan: Kirby's been asking a lot of questions about 'the ladies'. Looks like I'm gonna have to have 'the talk' with him. Carrie Heffernan: Oh boy. Doug Heffernan: Yeah, in fact I was hoping you could go over some stuff with me 'cause, uh, I've never been 100% sure about what you guys got going on down there. Carrie Heffernan: I know baby.
	Season 8 / Episode 19: - Emotional Rollercoaster Carrie Heffernan: Doug can't be happy with his life, wearing short pants to work and dragging packages to people. Deacon Palmer: You know I do the same thing?
	Season 8 / Episode 19: - Emotional Rollercoaster Carrie Heffernan: You said you were happy with your life. Doug Heffernan: Denial ain't just a river in Spain, honey.

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