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Characters: #5 of 9 (Full List)
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Played by:
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 | Season 9 / Episode 8: - Offensive Fowl Deacon Palmer: How's the new job? Spence Olchin: How do you think it's going? I stand all day on the sidewalk carrying this. Danny Heffernan: Yeah, well, at least no one's peeing on you like when you worked in the subway. Spence Olchin: Heh. Guess again. |
 | Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Spence Olchin: I was in the other day. I told her I was allergic to peanuts, and Sienna remembered. Danny Heffernan: That doesn't mean she's into you, alright. It means she doesn't want to have to open your throat with a pen. |
| Season 8 / Episode 19: - Emotional Rollercoaster Spence Olchin: Danny and I are going to check out the Haunted Castle. Danny Heffernan: Yeah, scared chicks are very approachable. |
| Season 8 / Episode 18: - Sold-Y Locks Arthur Spooner: Why are you late? Spence Olchin: You called me 10 minutes ago and told me to be here in 10 minutes. Arthur Spooner: I've had enough of your excuses. |
| Season 8 / Episode 17: - Present Tense Spence Olchin: We should've robbed this house 45 minutes ago. Danny Heffernan: I had to get my allergy shot. Spence Olchin: We're not robbing a cat! |
| Season 8 / Episode 11: - Baker's Doesn't Arthur Spooner: I'll handle the lyrics, and you look like the sort who can write music. Spence Olchin: What's that supposed to mean? Arthur Spooner: I think you know what that means, Mr. 'I just haven't found the right girl yet.' |
| Season 8 / Episode 6: - Shear Torture Adam West: If you ran into Bill Shatner this morning, would you have dumped me too? Spence Olchin: I want to say "no," but I'm so weak. Adam West: This is why me, Lou, Bill, and Lee Majors look out for each other. To protect ourselves from pasty-faced opportunists such as yourself. |
| Season 8 / Episode 6: - Shear Torture Spence Olchin: Yeah, Fantasy Fest '05 is a geekfest. That's why 3 different hobbits are showing up. |
| Season 8 / Episode 1: - Pole Lox Spence Olchin: Where do you want to go for dinner? Can I talk you into Ethiopian? Arthur Spooner: I'm not in the mood for gazelle, thank you. |
| Season 5 / Episode 23: - Dog Shelter Denise: I'm so glad to finally meet you, Mrs. Olchin. Spence is such a nice man. Veronica Olchin: Well, you can thank me for that. He was horrible until I spanked it out of him. I spanked him til his ass looked like a red Indian's. Spence Olchin: Mom! Veronica Olchin: I'm sorry, I mean a Native American's ass. |
| Season 4 / Episode 19: - Screwed Driver Spence Olchin: [to Doug's mother] Excuse me, Mrs. Heffernan; can I use the restroom? Joe Heffernan: Oh, no; here we go again. Spence Olchin: Wait a minute; first, I didn't know you were home that day, second, Victoria Principal was on the cover of the new 'People' and third, what kind of man owns a hardware store and doesn't put locks on the bathroom door? |
| Season 4 / Episode 13: - Food Fight Spence Olchin: [about Arthur] I can't believe he's never seen 'The Wizard of Oz'. Carrie Heffernan: So, how are you liking it so far, dad? Arthur Spooner: [Scared on seeing the film] Is anyone else but me terrified? |
| Season 1 / Episode 21: - Hungry Man Arthur Spooner: Come down here and play with me, I'm tired of playing with myself. Spence Olchin: Pardon? |
| Season 1 / Episode 12: - Fixer Upper Spence Olchin: [following allergic reaction] I must look great. Jenny: Actually, you're kind of cute when you're not convulsing. Spence Olchin: That's almost half the time. |
| Season 1 / Episode 6: - Head First Spence Olchin: Oh, I feel like Anne Frank. |
| Unknown Episode: Spence Olchin: Oh my God! My TiVo thinks I'm gay! |
| Unknown Episode: Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Is this how you take a bath? Spence Olchin: Yes. Carrie Spooner Heffernan: You look like Ernie from Sesame Street. Spence Olchin: What did I do to you? |
| Previous: Holly Shumpert | Next: Deacon Palmer |
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