Doug Heffernan

The King of Queens

- Character Guide

Characters: #1 of 9 (Full List)

+ Add to My Characters

Played by:

Kevin James
Kevin was born April 26, 1965, to Janet and Joseph Valentine Knipfing. He attended Cortland University ...

« Back to Character Profile

Doug Heffernan Quotes

	Season 9 / Episode 8: - Offensive Fowl Carrie Heffernan: Doug, I don't understand. You eat fast food two, three times a week. It never occurred to you that animals are involved? Doug Heffernan: Because they don't make it look like an animal! They're very clever that way.
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - Moxie Moron Doug Heffernan: I might get fired! Carrie Heffernan: Don't worry, you'll get better. Doug Heffernan: You think so? Carrie Heffernan: Nooooo!
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - Moxie Moron Doug Heffernan: What smells like mustard? Carrie Heffernan: My bonus.
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - Moxie Moron Deacon Palmer: This co-supervisor thing ain't working out for me. Doug Heffernan: What are you trying to say? Deacon Palmer: I'm saying you suck and I want you out of here.
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - Moxie Moron Doug Heffernan: You ever done it with a supervisor before? Carrie Heffernan: When I worked at Shoe Town... and Beverage Barn.
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - Moxie Moron Deacon Palmer: I'm not going to get fired for your mistake. Doug Heffernan: They're not going to fire you; you're a minority!
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Doug Heffernan: She called last night and, uh, well, we talked. Deacon Palmer: Well, why didn't you just tell her you weren't the same guy? Doug Heffernan: I tried, but Carrie was standing right there Deacon Palmer: So now she thinks you ARE the Doug Heffernan she slept with? Doug Heffernan: Yes, and I may have told her I love her. Deacon Palmer: Wow, you know for someone who's done nothing wrong, you've dug yourself quite a hole here.
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Ken: [on machine] Hi, it's Ken. I hope this is the Doug Heffernan I met on Fire Island last Sunday. Anyway, I'd love to take you up on that cup of coffee. Call me. Carrie Heffernan: What's goin' on here, Doug? Doug Heffernan: THAT you believe?
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Doug Heffernan: You need your feet to move around! Deacon Palmer: You have feet, you don't move around.
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Doug Heffernan: We didn't have sex in the technical sense. Deacon Palmer: You didn't have sex in ANY sense.
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Doug Heffernan: I should go out and have a real affair just to show her! Deacon Palmer: You serious? Doug Heffernan: Nah, sounds like a lot of work.
	Season 9 / Episode 1: - Mama Cast Carrie Heffernan: Bad news ... Doug Heffernan: If it's about being out of mini-donuts, I'm aware, and I am not happy.
	Season 9 / Episode 1: - Mama Cast Doug Heffernan: [eyeing pamphlet] "Wealth Building Annuities"... stupid.
	Season 9 / Episode 1: - Mama Cast Doug Heffernan: Alright, I gotta take a little bathroom break. Who wants to watch the truck? [points to fat kid] Ain't going to happen.
	Season 8 / Episode 23: - Acting Out Arthur Spooner: How dare you go through my personal things! Doug Heffernan: You go through my stuff all the time. Arthur Spooner: That is a lie. Doug Heffernan: Yesterday I caught you eating my ChapStick.
	Season 8 / Episode 23: - Acting Out Doug Heffernan: Good luck, Arthur Arthur Spooner: Thank you; and what can I say except: I hope you die, you fat pig!
	Season 8 / Episode 22: - Fight Schlub Carrie Heffernan: Doug, did you see my blue camisol? Doug Heffernan: I'd be more help if I knew what a camisol was.
	Season 8 / Episode 21: - Hartford Wailer Carrie Heffernan: Didn't you get my message? Doug Heffernan: No, my phone's on vibrate, I left it in my pocket, and - do you have a cigarette?
	Season 8 / Episode 20: - Four Play Doug Heffernan: Kirby's been asking a lot of questions about 'the ladies'. Looks like I'm gonna have to have 'the talk' with him. Carrie Heffernan: Oh boy. Doug Heffernan: Yeah, in fact I was hoping you could go over some stuff with me 'cause, uh, I've never been 100% sure about what you guys got going on down there. Carrie Heffernan: I know baby.
	Season 8 / Episode 19: - Emotional Rollercoaster Carrie Heffernan: You said you were happy with your life. Doug Heffernan: Denial ain't just a river in Spain, honey.
	Season 8 / Episode 18: - Sold-Y Locks Carrie Heffernan: You're my husband. You're supposed to protect me. Doug Heffernan: I never agreed to that.
	Season 8 / Episode 17: - Present Tense Lou Ferrigno: Arthur borrowed 30 dollar from me and he said he'd pay me back today. Doug Heffernan: Lou, Lou, Lou... that money's gone.
	Season 8 / Episode 17: - Present Tense Doug Heffernan: Now we know. When Lou drinks a little tequila, he starts lifting people over his head.
	Season 8 / Episode 17: - Present Tense Doug Heffernan: At our wedding we had about 125 guests; eleven years later we have six. So you might wanna pull your attitude back a little.
	Season 8 / Episode 16: - Knee Jerk Carrie Heffernan: How was your physical therapy? Doug Heffernan: Not so good. I had some deep tissue work done on my inner thigh while I went to my safe place.
	Season 8 / Episode 10: - Raygin Bulls Doug Heffernan: Let's shake things up a bit. Ray Barone: You wanna get a pizza? Doug Heffernan: No! [pauses] Well, yes, I do. But that's not the point!
	Season 8 / Episode 6: - Shear Torture Carrie Heffernan: When we got married, you took a sacred vow to me. Doug Heffernan: To do what, only get my hair cut by ugly people?
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Vocal Discord Doug Heffernan: I think I know my way around town. I'm a driver, you know. Carrie Heffernan: Yes, I know. I'm reminded every time I look at your paycheck.
	Season 8 / Episode 1: - Pole Lox Doug Heffernan: You might have won 3 games, but I had more total points. Deacon Palmer: I don't think that's possible.
	Season 8 / Episode 1: - Pole Lox Doug Heffernan: She says it gets her in touch with her inner whore.

« previous12 3 4 5 next »

Next: Carrie Heffernan

» Back to The King of Queens TV Show