Carrie Heffernan

The King of Queens

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Played by:

Leah Remini

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Carrie Heffernan Quotes

	Season 9 / Episode 8: - Offensive Fowl Carrie Heffernan: Doug, I don't understand. You eat fast food two, three times a week. It never occurred to you that animals are involved? Doug Heffernan: Because they don't make it look like an animal! They're very clever that way.
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - Moxie Moron Doug Heffernan: I might get fired! Carrie Heffernan: Don't worry, you'll get better. Doug Heffernan: You think so? Carrie Heffernan: Nooooo!
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - Moxie Moron Doug Heffernan: What smells like mustard? Carrie Heffernan: My bonus.
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - Moxie Moron Doug Heffernan: You ever done it with a supervisor before? Carrie Heffernan: When I worked at Shoe Town... and Beverage Barn.
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Carrie Heffernan: [on machine] It's me. Listen, real quick, there's a pie in the fridge. It's for my book club, please don't touch it. Doug... please.
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Ken: [on machine] Hi, it's Ken. I hope this is the Doug Heffernan I met on Fire Island last Sunday. Anyway, I'd love to take you up on that cup of coffee. Call me. Carrie Heffernan: What's goin' on here, Doug? Doug Heffernan: THAT you believe?
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Affair Trade Jessica: [on machine] I can't help thinking about last Saturday, lying naked in the sand. I still quiver when I think about being with you. Kelly: [Kelly and Carrie laugh] She did not just say "quiver." Carrie Heffernan: She did, and Doug was afraid that I would think it was him! [they laugh even more]
	Season 9 / Episode 1: - Mama Cast Charlotte: There's this really cute boy at school. Carrie Heffernan: Michael? Charlotte: Yeah, but he likes Donna Pizzoni. Carrie Heffernan: Well, just make him like you, instead Charlotte: How? Carrie Heffernan: Well, you just start a nasty rumor about the other girl. You know? "She's a skank" or "she's poor." Could be anything, really, and before you know it, you'll be wearing his varsity jacket.
	Season 9 / Episode 1: - Mama Cast Carrie Heffernan: Bad news ... Doug Heffernan: If it's about being out of mini-donuts, I'm aware, and I am not happy.
	Season 9 / Episode 1: - Mama Cast Carrie Heffernan: I think it's going to happen. I'm actually going to kill you this time.
	Season 8 / Episode 22: - Fight Schlub Carrie Heffernan: Doug, did you see my blue camisol? Doug Heffernan: I'd be more help if I knew what a camisol was.
	Season 8 / Episode 21: - Hartford Wailer Carrie Heffernan: Didn't you get my message? Doug Heffernan: No, my phone's on vibrate, I left it in my pocket, and - do you have a cigarette?
	Season 8 / Episode 20: - Four Play Doug Heffernan: Kirby's been asking a lot of questions about 'the ladies'. Looks like I'm gonna have to have 'the talk' with him. Carrie Heffernan: Oh boy. Doug Heffernan: Yeah, in fact I was hoping you could go over some stuff with me 'cause, uh, I've never been 100% sure about what you guys got going on down there. Carrie Heffernan: I know baby.
	Season 8 / Episode 19: - Emotional Rollercoaster Carrie Heffernan: Doug can't be happy with his life, wearing short pants to work and dragging packages to people. Deacon Palmer: You know I do the same thing?
	Season 8 / Episode 19: - Emotional Rollercoaster Carrie Heffernan: You said you were happy with your life. Doug Heffernan: Denial ain't just a river in Spain, honey.
	Season 8 / Episode 18: - Sold-Y Locks Carrie Heffernan: You're my husband. You're supposed to protect me. Doug Heffernan: I never agreed to that.
	Season 8 / Episode 18: - Sold-Y Locks Carrie Heffernan: Oh, look, it's Robert Goulet. Robert Goulet: Where, where?
	Season 8 / Episode 16: - Knee Jerk Carrie Heffernan: How was your physical therapy? Doug Heffernan: Not so good. I had some deep tissue work done on my inner thigh while I went to my safe place.
	Season 8 / Episode 6: - Shear Torture Carrie Heffernan: When we got married, you took a sacred vow to me. Doug Heffernan: To do what, only get my hair cut by ugly people?
	Season 8 / Episode 5: - Sandwiched Out Carrie Heffernan: Did you ever have a friend whose life sucked so bad it made you feel better about your own? Holly: No. Carrie Heffernan: Well, I did. It was you.
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Vocal Discord Doug Heffernan: I think I know my way around town. I'm a driver, you know. Carrie Heffernan: Yes, I know. I'm reminded every time I look at your paycheck.
	Season 7 / Episode 7: - Silent Mite Carrie Heffernan: Ok Doug, you know what? This year I don't want a Christmas present. All I want is for you to stop acting like a big baby and grow up. Doug Heffernan: No, I gave that to you last year.
	Season 7 / Episode 7: - Silent Mite Doug Heffernan: Hey, guy hits on my woman, I'm gonna throw down. Carrie Heffernan: Really? How come you didn't do anything to that banker who asked me out to dinner last week? Doug Heffernan: Because, he was almost my height.
	Season 6 / Episode 24: - Awful Bigamy Carrie Heffernan: Doug, Nobody's last name is penis.
	Season 6 / Episode 21: - Tank Heaven Carrie Heffernan: Emily and Peter blew us off again tonight. Doug Heffernan: Really? That's weird. Carrie Heffernan: They said they had to go bird shopping. Who goes bird shopping on a Saturday night? Who goes bird shopping?
	Season 6 / Episode 21: - Tank Heaven Carrie Heffernan: Did you make them touch your belly hair? Doug Heffernan: What? Carrie Heffernan: DID you? Doug Heffernan: I have no idea what you're sayin'! Carrie Heffernan: Did you lift up your shirt and make Peter and Ellen touch your belly hair? Doug Heffernan: Yeah, and then I threw on a G-string and gave them a little lap dance, yeah!
	Season 6 / Episode 20: - Foe: Pa Carrie Heffernan: Any sign of my dad? Doug Heffernan: No. I thought I saw him in the park, but it was just a weird-shaped kid.
	Season 6 / Episode 18: - Trash Talker Doug Heffernan: Why would I lick a trash can? Carrie Heffernan: I don't know. Didn't you once tell me you ate the feed they have at petting zoos? Doug Heffernan: My sister told me if I did, I could grow a moustache.
	Season 5 / Episode 10: - Loaner Car Carrie Heffernan: The white people came over from England on The Mayflower! Major Palmer: Well then, how did the black people get here? Carrie Heffernan: [doesn't know what to say] Want a cupcake?
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - Lush Life Carrie Heffernan: Oh, have your stupid pizza! Doug Heffernan: Really? Carrie Heffernan: Yeah. Doug Heffernan: You're not just baiting me, like that time you told me I can get the porn channel, then said I disgust you?

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