Arthur Spooner

The King of Queens

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Played by:

Jerry Stiller
As the short, hypertensive male counterpart of the stellar husband-and-wife comedy team "Stiller & Meara," ...

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Arthur Spooner Quotes

	Season 8 / Episode 23: - Acting Out Arthur Spooner: How dare you go through my personal things! Doug Heffernan: You go through my stuff all the time. Arthur Spooner: That is a lie. Doug Heffernan: Yesterday I caught you eating my ChapStick.
	Season 8 / Episode 23: - Acting Out Doug Heffernan: Good luck, Arthur Arthur Spooner: Thank you; and what can I say except: I hope you die, you fat pig!
	Season 8 / Episode 22: - Fight Schlub Arthur Spooner: You're painted like a whore and you're smoking cigarettes. The whore part I'm used to, but the smoking'll kill you!
	Season 8 / Episode 20: - Four Play Arthur Spooner: I couldn't help overhearing - I was eavesdropping. Gloria: No offense, but I'm not taking advice from someone who bounces a check for $1.42.
	Season 8 / Episode 18: - Sold-Y Locks Arthur Spooner: Why are you late? Spence Olchin: You called me 10 minutes ago and told me to be here in 10 minutes. Arthur Spooner: I've had enough of your excuses.
	Season 8 / Episode 16: - Knee Jerk Arthur Spooner: Shame on you, Carrie. I've pushed tons of people down the stairs, but damn it, I always own up to it.
	Season 8 / Episode 16: - Knee Jerk Arthur Spooner: You play the part of the lumbering imbecile quite well.
	Season 8 / Episode 11: - Baker's Doesn't Arthur Spooner: I'll handle the lyrics, and you look like the sort who can write music. Spence Olchin: What's that supposed to mean? Arthur Spooner: I think you know what that means, Mr. 'I just haven't found the right girl yet.'
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Vocal Discord Arthur Spooner: We have nothing to fear but fear itself... It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... Bosoms!
	Season 8 / Episode 1: - Pole Lox Spence Olchin: Where do you want to go for dinner? Can I talk you into Ethiopian? Arthur Spooner: I'm not in the mood for gazelle, thank you.
	Season 7 / Episode 22: - Buy Curious Arthur Spooner: Douglas; would this be a good time to talk about my psoriosis? Doug Heffernan: Arthur, I was sitting here eating and thinking; yeah this would be a good time. Arthur Spooner: It's moved south. What should I do? Doug Heffernan: I don't know; I'm not a doctor. Arthur Spooner: Tell me something I don't know. You're not a doctor. Doug Heffernan: Arthur; I'll give you $50 to go back downstairs.
	Season 6 / Episode 24: - Awful Bigamy Doug Heffernan: Arthur, come on up here. You know I can't start my day without my two scoops of Artie. Arthur Spooner: I don't know what that means, but it sounds terrifying.
	Season 6 / Episode 23: - Icky Shuffle Arthur Spooner: So your mother sleeps around, what else is new?
	Season 6 / Episode 18: - Trash Talker Arthur Spooner: Douglas, there's no shame in being a trash can licker.
	Season 6 / Episode 18: - Trash Talker Arthur Spooner: Douglas, would you please pass me the catsup? Doug Heffernan: The what? Arthur Spooner: The catsup. Doug Heffernan: Did you mean the ketchup? Arthur Spooner: Highly educated people pronounce it catsup. Doug Heffernan: Not if they want me to pass it to them.
	Season 5 / Episode 23: - Dog Shelter Arthur Spooner: Needless to say... you're dead to me.
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - Golden Moldy Arthur Spooner: What do we have here? Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Vacation brochures. It looks like we're going to the Caribbean next week. Arthur Spooner: We are? Oh, goody. Doug Heffernan: Well, I hope you mean for us. Arthur Spooner: I see. Once again I humiliate myself by assuming I'm a member of this family.
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - Golden Moldy Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Come on, you'll have fun. You can invite Spence, and we'll buy you something from St. Croix. Arthur Spooner: You think you can buy me off with some cheap island trinket, a linen shirt 42-long? How dare you?
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - Golden Moldy Arthur Spooner: Douglas? It's Arthur Spooner. Doug Heffernan: Okay, last name not necessary.
	Season 4 / Episode 25: - Shrink Wrap Arthur Spooner: I would like a parrot and name him Douglass. Arthur Spooner: I would like a live parrot and name him Douglass II. Actually, I should scrape what's left of Douglass I off the garage door.
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Food Fight Carrie Heffernan: [Arthur is watching 'It's A Wonderful Life'] Ah, 'It's A Wonderful Life'. Pretty great, huh? Arthur Spooner: Actually, I think it's a swing and a miss. Carrie Heffernan: What are you talking about? It's one of the greatest movies of all time. Arthur Spooner: With George Bailey, the town is boring. Without him, there's nightclubs and bars. It's fabulous. I wish he hadn't been born.
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Food Fight Spence Olchin: [about Arthur] I can't believe he's never seen 'The Wizard of Oz'. Carrie Heffernan: So, how are you liking it so far, dad? Arthur Spooner: [Scared on seeing the film] Is anyone else but me terrified?
	Season 3 / Episode 11: - Better Camera Lou Ferrigno: Well, Arthur, I read "Reconsidering Sandy," and to tell you the truth, I'm a little confused. Arthur Spooner: Confused about what? Lou Ferrigno: Well, first of all, there's at least three characters named Mike. Arthur Spooner: Let me ask you something, Lou. Have you ever met anyone else named Lou? Lou Ferrigno: Well, yes. Arthur Spooner: Slice of life, my friend. I just writes it like I sees it. So, what's the next step? Can you get me a meeting at the William-Morris office? Lou Ferrigno: I don't think so. Arthur Spooner: I understand your problem. Even though you're not right for the lead role of Smithy, I have the perfect role for you: Henchman #2. Lou Ferrigno: That's another thing. There's no Henchman #1.
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - Roamin' Holiday Carrie Spooner Heffernan: [after Arthur asks why Spence is seating in his seat at breakfast] Spence moved out of his mom's house last night, so he's going to stay with us until he gets a place of his own. Arthur Spooner: Oh, I see. I must have missed the family meeting where all of this was decided. Doug Heffernan: There was no family meeting about this, Arthur. Arthur Spooner: Well, God bless fascism!
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Parent Trapped Carrie Heffernan: Okay, this is a troll, and I am your daughter. Arthur Spooner: I know the difference.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Female Problems Arthur Spooner: I thought ironic meant made up entirely of iron.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Queasy Rider Arthur Spooner: Darling, I need to borrow the iron. Carrie Heffernan: Dad, I told you, if you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one!
	Season 1 / Episode 21: - Hungry Man Arthur Spooner: Come down here and play with me, I'm tired of playing with myself. Spence Olchin: Pardon?
	Season 1 / Episode 19: - Rayny Day Arthur Spooner: What? Three people can't play golf together? It's not sex, for God's sake!
	Season 1 / Episode 19: - Rayny Day Arthur Spooner: You're not throwing out these rubber bands, are you? Carrie Heffernan: They're all broken, dad. Arthur Spooner: So? You tie the ends together and they're as good as new, Mrs. Rockefeller.

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