The IT Crowd (UK) Quotes

The IT Crowd (UK)

- Episode Quotes

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The IT Crowd (UK) Quotes

	Season 3 / Episode 6: - Calendar Geeks Jen: Why are you doing this? Roy: The same reason I do everything, Jen; to have sex with a lady.
	Season 3 / Episode 3: - Tramps Like Us Douglas: Hell's teeth! I'm not aroused! They're cars! God damn these electric sex pants!
	Season 3 / Episode 3: - Tramps Like Us Jen: Ich. Bin. Ein... NERD!
	Season 3 / Episode 3: - Tramps Like Us Douglas: [Douglas gets electrocuted] HELLS TEETH! They're just cars! I'm not aroused! God DAMN these electric sex pants!
	Season 3 / Episode 3: - Tramps Like Us Jen: ICH. BIN. EIN. NERD!
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Men Without Women Douglas: Damn that sorcerer! 20 gold pieces and I'm wankered on Rohypnol!
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Men Without Women Douglas: Pucker up boys. It's hammer time!
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Smoke and Mirrors Roy: Moss, I don't like to be negative about it, but everything you invent is worthless. Moss: Ah, well, prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame set at gas mark 'egg on your face'! [pause] I sort of forget what I was talking about.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Smoke and Mirrors Roy: How do you feel? You feel ready? Moss: My middle name is ready. No, that doesn't sound right. I eat ready for breakfast.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - The Dinner Party Jen: [Jen is telling the others to try to make a good impression on the other guests] Keep the conversation about things that would interest everybody, you know; nothing about memory or RAM. Moss: Memory is RAM! Ha! Oh Dear!
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - The Dinner Party Roy: File Peter. So that would be... Peter File. Moss: Who's a paedophile? Roy: No no, his name is Peter File. Moss: His name is Paedophile?
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Moss And The German Narrator: You wouldn't shoot a Policeman and then steal his helmet. You wouldn't go to the toilet in his helmet, and then send it to the Policeman's grieving widow, and then steal it again. Downloading films is stealing; if you do it you WILL face the consequences!
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Moss And The German Jen: [just got off the phone with Douglas's PA] Right, I'm off. Douglas is on his way down. Roy: So? Jen: Well, to be honest, he's been making advances. He keeps asking me if I want to go for a ride in his helicopter. Roy: I wanna go for a ride in the helicopter! Jen: Then grow a pair of tits. Roy: [more to himself] If I did have tits, I wouldn't mind letting someone have a go on them for a ride in a helicopter.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Moss And The German Douglas: Ah, Jen. Good. Can I have a word with you? Jen: No, can't. Busy. Very busy. And I don't want to go for a ride in the helicopter. Douglas: OK, OK. That wasn't what I was going to ask actually. Jen: Oh? Douglas: Yes, it was something... work-related. Jen: What department is this? Douglas: [confused] Sorry? Jen: If it's work-related, you'll know what department this is. What department is this? Douglas: [looks around at Moss and Roy] Some sort of... homosexual department?
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Return of the Golden Child Moss: I totally pimped your phone, girlfriend!
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Return of the Golden Child Douglas: Ah! The IT-department. Run by a dynamic go-getter, a genius and a man from Ireland.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Return of the Golden Child Moss: [returning from floor 7] Unbelievable. Some brainiac disabled his firewall which means that all of the computers on floor 7 are teeming with viruses, plus, I've just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs because the lift is broken again! Jen: [upset] Oh my God. Roy: What? Jen: Oh my God! Roy: What, wha-what is it? Jen: Denholm's dead! Moss: Oh yes, and Denholm's dead!
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Work Outing Moss: There’s nothing sexual about it, I mean I like Roy, but I'm not "Curious".
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Work Outing Roy: I'm disabled!
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Work Outing Roy: HEY! I just won 450 quid playing poker! Moss: [unimpressed] Well done. Roy: Saw that one coming, Mikey73. That's my rent sorted this month. Ooh, and I can buy that new... Oh no, I've lost it all again.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Work Outing Jen: So, what brings you to my lair? Not that I'm some sort of animal. Or, or maybe I am.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Work Outing Philip: [to Jen] I don't suppose you'd like to come to the theatre tomorrow night, maybe? Moss: I'd be delighted. Jen: He means me, Moss. Moss: He was looking at me. Jen: No he wasn't. Moss: I think he was. Jen: You're not even in his eyeline. Moss: Philip? Who were you talking to? Me or Jen?
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Work Outing Philip: You like the theatre? Moss: Never been. But I've always liked the idea of the theatre. The smell of the grease, the roar of the paint. I've often thought if I hadn't ended up in computers, I would've gone into the theatre. Philip: But you've never been to see a play? Moss: No. Philip: Why not? Moss: [shrugs] Never had the interest.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Work Outing Roy: [talking about Philip] It's just, I don't know many heterosexual men who read Heat. Jen: So, what? He's gay? Just because he reads Heat magazine? Roy: Hmmm, well, he's either gay or a woman in her early twenties. Jen: No, no no no no no no. Why else would he ask me out on a date? Roy: Are you sure he meant it as a date-date? Are you sure you're not going along as his 'gal pal'? Moss: If you're talking about who I think you're talking about, then the answer is yes. He is gay. Jen: How do you know? Moss: Oh, everyone knows. And what's more, he's been gay since WHAM.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Work Outing Jen: Why else would he ask me out? Moss: Well, don't take this the wrong way, but could he have thought you were a man?
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Work Outing Jen: Oh for God's sake, are you gay? Are you a gay man? Philip: No! Jen: Are you? Philip: No! Jen: No, brilliant, good. That's all I wanted to know. I don't mind one way or the other, you know, I just like being clear. I don't want any ambiguity. Philip: What on earth made you think I was gay? Jen: Well, you know, I can just pull it out of the air. You know, you just brought me to a gay musical, called 'Gay'. You're laughing like mad at every gay reference. Your friends... ALL of whom are gay say hello by tickling you. Philip: Jen, what century are you living in? Do you think a man has to be gay to like a gay musical? Can a straight man not have homosexual friends? And since when was tickling gay? I missed that meeting. Jen, Jen, come here [hugs her] Jen: I'm sorry, I guess you just threw me when you borrowed our copy of Heat. Philip: [bursts into tears] Oh God, it's true! It's true, I'm gay! I'm a gay man. I tried to hide from it and deny it, but I can't, I can't, I can't. Oh Jen, what am I gonna do? I thought I could make it work between us coz you looked a bit like a man!
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Work Outing Richmond: Hey, where are you lot off to? Moss: Oh look, Richmond's still alive.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Work Outing Roy: [looking at a promotional poster] A gay musical... called "Gay". That's quite gay. Gay musical... Aren't all musicals gay? This must be, like, the gayest musical ever made.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Work Outing Richmond: An ill wind is blowing. Last night I was stirred from my slumber by a crow calling three times. Caw... caw... well you know what a crow sounds like. Passing to my window, I trod on a piece of lego. Oh, it went right in the heel. Turning on my television set, I noticed the reception wasn't great. Not terrible, just not great. Hear me well, no good can come of your trip to the theatre tonight, no good at all. And if you ask me... [turns around and notices that everybody's gone] That's just bloody rude. Where's my Heat?
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Aunt Irma Visits Moss: I'm at the end of my flipping tether! Doctor Mendall: MOSS! It's not like you to use that sort of language! Moss: Flip off! [runs away]

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