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 | Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Trip to Warwick Jay: Oi, Neil, did you hear about Chris from the paper shop? Neil: No, what? Jay: He was messing about up The Rec. Got his head wedged in the bottle bank. Got stuck there all night. By the time someone found him in the mornin', he'd been arse-raped 18 times. Neil: Ohhhh mate... that's grim... Will: I have a few questions... Jay: Like what? Will: Well, one- why was he sticking his head in the bottle bank? Jay: Looking for bottles, you mug. Will: Okay... Number two- what you're saying is the first eighteen people to have discovered him in this state just happened to be opportunistic homosexual rapists? Jay: Looks like it... Here, Where was your Dad last night, Neil? Neil: Badminton, Why? Jay: [Sarcastically] Course He was. Will: And Number three - Why would he would tell what, at best, was a humiliating evening, tell you, of all people, about it? Jay: I used to sit next to him in Woodwork! |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Trip to Warwick Jay: [Neil grunts to do a fart] Oh, No, Neil, You haven't... Tara: What? Will: Unbelievable. Tara: Oh, My God that stinks! Simon: Neil! Have you farted again? Neil: [laughing] Not sure mate, could be fart, could be worse! Simon: For Fuck's sake, open a window! Will: You need to see a bowel specialist! Jay: Or he could ask his dad; He likes inspecting Men's anuses! Tara: I feel really ill Simon, can you please pull over? Neil: Calm down, it was only a Sausage and Egg McMuffin. Tara: [shudders unconfomtably] Oooh... Neil: Ooh, There's the Hash Brown! Will: Jesus Christ! |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Trip to Warwick Will: [Will wakes up to find a sleeping Neil urinating on him] No... Neil! Neil, wake the fuck up! You've pissed the bed! Neil: Oh, no! Will: Stop it! Stop pissing! Neil: I got a problem with that! Will: Well, go to the loo then! Oh god! Sophie's gonna go mental! Why's it so green? Neil: [Clearly Hungover] My Head Hurts... Will: [Annoyed] Yes, I'll suspend my sympathy as I'm covered in your piss! Neil: It's good for ya! Will: Oh, right? So I'll piss on you, shall I? Get the fuck to the toilet! It smells of pissy sugar puffs! |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Trip to Warwick Tara: [Simon is trying to have sex with Tara but failing] Simon, Simon... Nothing's Happening. Simon Cooper: I know, I know... You think I don't fucking know that? I know that better than anyone! I know it's floppy! Tara: So don't worry, I was just saying... Simon Cooper: Don't say, okay? I know better than anyone that my Penis isn't fucking working! Tara: It's okay... Simon Cooper: It's not fucking okay! It's not okay! Simon Cooper: Why won't you start? Every time I don't want one it's there and the one time I need it... Nothing! Tara: Okay, You're scaring me now... Simon Cooper: [shouting at penis] Work you stupid, fucking thing! Get Big! Get Big! Tara: Simon! Simon Cooper: Why aren't you doing it? Do it! Get Big! Oh, please just work you ugly cunt! |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Trip to Warwick Simon Cooper: [after Tara asks him to talk dirty] I'm gonna fuck your fucking fanny off, you twat! |
 | Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Gig and the Girlfriend Will: [grabs the microphone while high] Hello. Hello everyone. Can somebody call me an ambulance because I'm in trouble. Time is moving really, really slowly and everything is flat. I need you to call me an ambulance, or failing that my mummy. I really want my mummy because I'm not being dramatic, I think I might be dead. Is that clear, Mummy or Ambulance? [is helped off by security] |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - The Gig and the Girlfriend Jay: [Jay steps outside to see an ambulance taking Will away] Wha' Gwan? Simon: Somebody called the ambulance and they're taking him away. Jay: [high and paranoid] Oh fucking Jesus, oh no! It wasn't me that sold it, right? Jay: Oh, shit! The blue lights! Simon: It's an ambulance. Jay: That's what they *want* you to believe! |
 | Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Fashion Show Jay Cartwright: What about my human rights? Mr. Gilbert: You have to be human for those to apply, Cartwright. |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Fashion Show Jay Cartwright: [sarcastically] Oh well done you've mastered walking like a knob and looking like a dick at the same time! Simon: This is actually enjoyable, in an 'I'm shitting myself' kind of way Neil: If you've shit yourself in them trousers, I aint touching them! Simon: Of course I haven't Jay Cartwright: You walk like you have! |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Fashion Show Will: [after Simon's big moment in the fashion show goes wrong] Why'd you even agree to wear it in the first place? Simon: Carli told me to. Will: Even with your whole sack covered, you'd look ridiculous. Speedos, DMs, Top Hat and a Leash? What Maniac designed that and thought "I know what's fashionable; dressing up as an upper class mental patient!" |
 | Season 2 / Episode 6: - Exam Times Will McKenzie: [voice over] So he'd finally worn her down, and Simon didn't know whether to come in his pants or text his friends. In the end, he did both. |
| Season 2 / Episode 6: - Exam Times Simon Cooper: No-one brings a bag of shit to a pub. Jay Cartwright: Your dad does. Simon Cooper: Does he? Jay Cartwright: Yeah, your mum! |
| Season 2 / Episode 6: - Exam Times Will McKenzie: [after Chloe has dumped Jay] Alright you big poof? Where's your bit then? I thought you'd be having it up to your nuts in guts. Jay Cartwright: [lying] Nah, I had to er, I had to give her the boot. Will McKenzie: Did you? I thought you were really into her? Jay Cartwright: Nah, she was like frigid, and she wouldn't have this threesome, even though I organised it with a top lezzer model, and [sobs] my cock was too big for her! [breaks down] |
| Season 2 / Episode 6: - Exam Times Will McKenzie: [after having soiled himself in the exam] I thought it was a fart sir, I thought it was safe. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 5: - The Duke Of Edinburgh Awards Jay Cartwright: At least I don't have to wipe old arse for the next three months, just to get a Duke of Spastic award! |
| Season 2 / Episode 5: - The Duke Of Edinburgh Awards Will McKenzie: I need you to do something for me. Simon Cooper: OK, what is it? Will McKenzie: Have a look at my cock. Simon Cooper: [confused] Umm... Will McKenzie: Not in a gay way. It's just that something's gone wrong. Simon Cooper: I think looking at your cock at all is a bit gay. Will McKenzie: Please. I'm serious. All my pubes have fallen out. Simon Cooper: What? Will McKenzie: I was asleep at school, and I must have had a wet dream because it was all sticky... Simon Cooper: You spunked in the common room? Will McKenzie: Yes, but listen. I went home to clean up, and all my pubes came out in the shower. Simon Cooper: [incredulously] You spunked your pants in the common room during the day when there were people around? Will McKenzie: [matter of factly] Yes. Simon Cooper: Then your pubes fell out. Will McKenzie: Yes! Simon Cooper: I think this is way out of my league. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 4: - Night Out in London Jay Cartwright: Bus Wankers! |
| Season 2 / Episode 4: - Night Out in London Neil Sutherland: [after being ejected from the club for allegedly masturbating, but in reality moaning due to a cut Penis] I wasn't wanking! My cock is cut... my cock is cut! |
| Season 2 / Episode 4: - Night Out in London Jay Cartwright: I fucked some girl up there last week. Will McKenzie: Where in London? Jay Cartwright: The Tower Of London. Will McKenzie: What did you do after you fucked her? Cut her head off? Jay Cartwright: She's already seen the crown jewels: my bellend. |
| Season 2 / Episode 4: - Night Out in London Jay Cartwright: [Neil is in the toilet examining his Penis after cutting earlier] What's taking so Fucking Long? Neil Sutherland: Oh, Mate. It's not good, Get us some bog roll... Look! Jay Cartwright: Ah, Jesus! Put it away, Neil! Neil Sutherland: I can't. It stings when it rubs on my pants! Jay Cartwright: Well... Take your pants off then! Neil Sutherland: I can't, then it'll rub on my jeans. Jay Cartwright: Neil, No matter what your old man says, You can't Walk around London with your knob hanging out. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 3: - Will's Birthday Simon Cooper: [about the French exchange student] He seems a bit weird. He asked me if I've tried the "Sleeping Beauty?" Neil Sutherland: Oh, it's good, that. Simon Cooper: What, you know it? Neil Sutherland: Yeah, you sit on your arm 'til your hand goes dead. Ten, fifteen minutes is normally enough. And then when you wank, it feels like someone else is doing it. Will McKenzie: How do you know these things? Jay Cartwright: Oh, everyone knows the Sleeping Beauty; that's old. Will McKenzie: Is it? Jay Cartwright: Yeah, my mate's brother invented it. He and his mates used to be called The Dead Hand Gang. Will McKenzie: They had a gang based on masturbation? Oh there's nothing gay about that. Jay Cartwright: Yeah, well he's in the Air Force now, so how gay's that? Will McKenzie: Still quite gay! |
| Season 2 / Episode 3: - Will's Birthday Simon Cooper: [about finding dates for Will's birthday party] Maybe I'll see what Carli's up to. Jay Cartwright: Not being seen dead with you in a million years, is what she's up to. Simon Cooper: Oh, I'm sorry, Russell Brand, who are you bringing again? Jay Cartwright: Don't worry about me, mate, I'm up to my neck in sluts at the moment. Maybe I'll bring my new fuck buddy along, that little blonde barmaid from the Fox and Hounds. Neil Sutherland: You pulled a barmaid? Nice! Will McKenzie: Has she got any special dietary requirements? It's just I've never cooked for an imaginary woman before. Jay Cartwright: Well, I know she's not allergic to nuts - my nuts... Simon Cooper: - brilliant... Jay Cartwright: - or my cock. Will McKenzie: She only eats small portions then? Jay Cartwright: Well I didn't hear your mum complaining... although her mouth was full at the time. Will McKenzie: Yep. Good one. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 2: - Work Experience Will McKenzie: Not quite the outcome I'd hoped for. Neil's Dad imagining me naked. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Field Trip Will McKenzie: [a Fish has jumped into the boat] Jesus Christ! How the hell has that happened? Neil Sutherland: I dunno, it didn't have any bait on it. Jay Cartwright: Get it out! Neil Sutherland: It's just a fish. Will McKenzie: It's a fucking terrifying, massive fish! Get rid of it Neil! |
| Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Field Trip Will McKenzie: [after Jay has let off the Emergency flare] Why the fuck did you do that? Jay Cartwright: To get the Sea Police out! Will McKenzie: And say what, "Help, We've caught a fish!"? We're already in the Harbour, What are they gonna do? Tow us four feet closer to the shore? |
| Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Field Trip Neil Sutherland: Better kill it, It's the kindest thing to do; it won't survive back in the sea now Will McKenzie: [Sarcastic] Well, that was a much more dignified end for him. |
| Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Field Trip Neil Sutherland: Are we gonna have to swim back? Simon Cooper: [shivering, referring to the sea] It's *very* cold in there. Jay Cartwright: Just row back; On holiday in Spain one year, me and my mate took a pedalo out and went to Africa. Will McKenzie: [Annoyed] Do you think you can spare us the bullshit for one minute; while I try figure out how not to die at sea? |
 | Season 1 / Episode 6: - Xmas Party Mr Sethi: [Each time Will dislikes a suit] Too Jazzy? |
| Season 1 / Episode 6: - Xmas Party Will McKenzie: I've no interest in babes. Jay Cartwright: That's handy, cos they've got no interest in you. Will McKenzie: Ooh, Sorry. Who here has pulled Charlotte Hinchcliffe? Who? Huh? Me, That's who! Jay Cartwright: She only did it for a bet! Will McKenzie: That's not true. Simon Cooper: Oh, God. Let's not get into all that again. Jay Cartwright: It is true! Will McKenzie: It's not fucking true! People don't get fingered for a bet, Jay. With the possible exception of your sister. Jay Cartwright: Take that back! Will McKenzie: Actually, I do take it back. But your mum on the other hand; she'd probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits. Neil Sutherland: Oooh! Simon Cooper: [mocking voice] Oh no! Neil Sutherland: [noticing Jay has shut up] Silence! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 5: - Caravan Club Will McKenzie: Simon, if you survive and I don't, give this message to my mum: "Simon killed me." |
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