The Honeymooners Quotes

The Honeymooners

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

The Honeymooners Quotes

	Unknown Episode: Ralph: Me and my silly pride. I promise you this, Norton, I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from hereon in how to swallow my pride. Ed Norton: Well that ought not to be too hard. You learned how to swallow everything else. Ralph: GET OUT!
	Unknown Episode: Norton: Well anyway, I had this headache and I couldn't get rid of it see, so I went to the Navy doctor. So he examines me and says I have pressure on the brain, so he should remove it. So well, I took a lot of kidding from the boys on the ship you know, 'cause afterwards they said, "What did he do, remove the pressure or the brain!" Ralph: Don't ask me, 'cause I know what he removed!
	Unknown Episode: Ralph: Why should I give up bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep my weight down. Alice: You don't need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up.
	Unknown Episode: Ralph: I was handling that janitor job just perfect. Then that thing had to happen. And it wasn't my fault, Alice, it wasn't my fault. Alice: No. No, it wasn't your fault, Ralph. You were just doing an impersonation of two pounds of bologna in a one pound bag.
	Unknown Episode: Alice: So, how's your plumbing? Norton: Still broken. I never thought I'd work eight hours in a sewer and come home wanting to see water!
	Unknown Episode: Ed Norton: [on why Ralph must commit to fighting Harvey] Do you realize, Ralph, that they're closing the pool hall in your honor tonight? Ralph Kramden: Let's face it, Norton, if I go and fight that guy, the next day, they'll be closing the pool hall in my memory.
	Unknown Episode: Ed Norton: [to Harvey] A pox on you and all your ancestors!
	Unknown Episode: Alice: I'll go fix my lipstick. I won't be long, Killer. I call you "Killer" because you slay me. Ralph: And I'm calling Bellview because you're nuts!
	Unknown Episode: Mr. Weidermeyer: Well, I'm pretty lucky too. I have a wife who, whenever she gets something for herself, she gives something to me. Ralph: I wanna say, Mrs. Weidermeyer, that that's very thoughtful. It's not many wives who want to give their husbands something. Alice: Oh, I don't know, Ralph. I've been thinking of giving you something!... And you may get it real soon!
	Unknown Episode: Mrs. Weidermeyer: We have pet names for eath other. Ralph: Pet names for each other? Now isn't that cute. I betcha that was your idea. Mrs. Weidermeyer: Yes, it was. Don't you have certain names you like to call your husband? Alice: Oh, I have several I'd love to call him. Mrs. Weidermeyer: All you have to do is pick out your husband's outstanding feature and find a name that fits. Alice: Oh, I see.
	Unknown Episode: Mrs Weidermeyer: What a husband you have. He certainly is a treasure. Alice: A treasure? He keeps this up much longer he's going to be a BURIED treasure.
	Unknown Episode: Trixie: Whoever said the Age of Chivalry is dead was right. I know the two guys that killed it. Oh, Alice, our campaign has been a complete flop. On the way to the bus they walked twenty feet ahead of us. And they only talked to each other. And if that isn't bad enough, on the bus there are just two empty seats. And who sits in those two empty seats? Alice: Ralph.
	Unknown Episode: Ralph: It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the treasurer, Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury, you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be. You know what that means? Alice: Yeah. Real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up one hundred percent!
	Unknown Episode: Ed Norton: Ol' Ed Norton, reliable old Ed Norton, working seventeen years in the sewer. And now everything's down the drain!
	Unknown Episode: Ed Norton: [to Ralph] Look, just don't get upset. You're gettin' all upset now. Let's calm down and look nice when we get down there. There's no sense in getting upset. Now listen, the boys in the sewer, there, when we get upset we got a little motto... a little saying that gives us comfort in time of need. Maybe I can pass it on to you. May I favor you with this little ode? "When the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat. Don't waste those tears on what might have been, just lay on your back and float."
	Unknown Episode: Norton: Ralph? Ralph: What? Norton: You mind if I smoke? Ralph: I don't care if you burn.
	Unknown Episode: Ralph: Wouldn't it be a lot easier just to buy a new watch? Norton: I don't need a new watch, Ralph. There's nothing wrong with this one. It just needs a new mainspring, that's all. I'll have to find out where to get it repaired. I think I'll write a letter to Walt Disney about it tonight. Ralph: Norton, if a man in a white coat ever knocks on your door, don't ask for tutti-frutti, 'cause he ain't the Good Humor man.
	Unknown Episode: Ed Norton: [to Ralph] As long as I'm an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live.
	Unknown Episode: Ed Norton: [reading from a script as he helps Ralph rehearse] I do not possess a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of poloponies. Ralph: I'm glad to hear... String of poloponies? Where do you see that? Ed Norton: [pointing] Right there... a string of poloponies. Ralph: That's a string of polo ponies!
	Season 1 / Episode 28: - Vacation at Fred's Landing Ed Norton: [Ralph has been keeping everyone awake worrying about his taxes, while Alice and Norton try to calm him] You know Ralph I'm surprised at you, carrying on like you are. What can they do to you? Can they stand you up in front of a firing squad? Ralph Kramden: [softly] No, they can't... Ed Norton: Can they hang you from the end of a rope? Ralph Kramden: No, they can't... Ed Norton: Can they push you off of a cliff? Ralph Kramden: No, they can't... Ed Norton: Alright then, what are you worrying for? Alice Kramden: He's right, Ralph. Ed Norton: Just go in there and get a good night's sleep. Ralph Kramden: [sheepishly] OK, you're right. Thanks, pal. I'm sorry... [shakes Norton's hand] Ed Norton: [pats Ralph on the back] OK, then, just get a good night's rest. [Ralph and Alice go into the bedroom. But Norton has to add one more comment trying to settle Ralph's mind, which of course has the opposite effect, so he calls after Ralph] The worst thing they could possibly do to you is send you to the federal pen! Ralph Kramden: [storming out of the bedroom, arms flailing wildly] Why do you have to start with that thing?
	Season 1 / Episode 28: - Vacation at Fred's Landing Ed Norton: When you go down there tomorrow, I got the idea: stand on the 18th Amendment. Ralph Kramden: Are you nuts or something? Stand on the 18th Amendment? You mean stand on the Fifth Amendment. The 18th Amendment was for prohibition. Ed Norton: Well, that's just what I mean. Tell 'em you were drunk when you made out your taxes!
	Season 1 / Episode 28: - Vacation at Fred's Landing Ralph: Norton, I'm gonna count to five. And when I get to five you better be out that door. Norton: I'm not a-scared of you. If you could count they wouldn't be investigating your taxes.
	Season 1 / Episode 28: - Vacation at Fred's Landing Ralph: Don't you realize how serious this is? They're investigating me! Alice: Ralph, being investigated is not the end of the world. You are not the first person who was ever investigated. Norton: You're darn right! The jails are full of them!
	Season 1 / Episode 28: - Vacation at Fred's Landing Richard Puder: Which one of you gentlemen is Kramden? Norton: He's Kramden, I'm clean.
	Season 1 / Episode 27: - Guest Speaker Ralph Kramden: [to Norton] You and I, we're going home and we're gonna cook that meal ourselves. When Fensterblau gets there tonight, I'll say that Alice cooked it, but she had an appointment and she had to leave. Ed Norton: That's a good idea. After all, men are the best chefs, aren't they? Oscar of the Waldorf, Pierre of the Ritz, Grace Kelly's father... Ralph Kramden: What does Grace Kelly's father got to do with it? Ed Norton: He cooked up a pretty sweet dish!
	Season 1 / Episode 26: - The Prowler Ed Norton: What are you doing there, Ralphie Boy? Ralph: I'm making a list of all my weak points. Ed Norton: Oh. Is that all the paper you're going to use?
	Season 1 / Episode 25: - Manager of the Baseball Team Alice: On second thought, I better make that a cocoanut cake. Trixie: Why? Ralph's crazy about chocolate cake. Alice: That's just it! I bought a new belt for his birthday and I wanna make sure it fits the day after. Trixie: Well, you can always exchange it for a larger size. Alice: There is no larger size.
	Season 1 / Episode 25: - Manager of the Baseball Team Ed Norton: Poor little pizza, ain't good for nothin'.
	Season 1 / Episode 24: - Dinner Guest Ralph Kramden: [to Alice] All right, I'm giving up the fight. I'm going in there and I'm gonna pay him the five-dollar increase in rent. But I want you to understand something, Alice. It's not because I want to do it. It's not because I'm afraid of the cold or that I'm hungry or that I'm embarrassed by being out here. Don't think it is that, Alice, 'cause it isn't! You want to know what it is? I'll tell you what it is. And you know what it is as well as... I know... what it is. You know what it is! I'll tell you what it is! [he pauses for a moment, and wags his finger at her] OH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS! [another pause as he finally "gets it"] YOU know that I know how easy YOU get virus! [he storms into the apartment building]
	Season 1 / Episode 24: - Dinner Guest Ralph: Pins and needles, needles and pins, it's a happy man that grins.

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