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The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show
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George Burns Quotes
 | Season 8 / Episode 30: - Ronnie Makes a Record George Burns: You can't make records for his company, unless he okays it, and I don't want to be late. Have you seen my car keys? Gracie Allen: No, Dear, but since you're in such a hurry, you can show them to me when you get back. |
| Season 8 / Episode 29: - Gracie and the Jury George Burns: [monologue] I still can't get over Gracie being on the jury. Now I know why Justice has that bandage around her eyes - she doesn't want to see what's going on. |
| Season 8 / Episode 26: - Softening the Professor George Burns: [monologue] You know, when I went to school I flunked in American History, but I had a legitimate reason. I failed in it because of bad penmanship. The girl I was sitting in back of knew all the answers, but her handwriting was so bad, I couldn't read them. Imagine me flunking in American History. When I was a kid, there was so little of it. |
| Season 8 / Episode 7: - The African Hunter Harry von Zell: I'm great at character stuff! I'm what you might call a man-of-a-thousand-faces. George Burns: You couldn't be, or you wouldn't have picked that one. |
| Season 7 / Episode 34: - A Trip to Tahiti George Burns: [monologue] You know, when I was breaking into show business, I figured out a little stunt, myself. I had a lot of cards printed to give out to booking agents and theater managers, and they were made out of fine linen with engraved lettering, and it said, "Be the first one to hire George Burns." My friends thought they were too expensive, but they weren't. Those cards lasted me seven years. |
| Season 6 / Episode 16: - George Goes Skiing George Burns: [monologue] Skiing is the only sport endorsed by the American Medical Association. |
| Season 6 / Episode 16: - George Goes Skiing George Burns: [monologue] Sports can be overdone, too, you know. A friend of mine was crazy about fishing. Every spare moment he had, he went out fishing. Finally, his wife told him - either he gives up fishing or she's gonna leave him. Now, when he speaks about the big one that got away - he means his wife. |
| Season 5 / Episode 24: - Filmed Show #128 George Burns: [breaking the 4th wall] Surprised how it came out? We had another finish, and it was funnier, - but the show was two minutes too long. |
| Season 5 / Episode 22: - Filmed Show #126 Gracie Allen: [finishing breakfast at the kitchen table] Did you enjoy your breakfast? George Burns: Delicious. Gracie Allen: Would you like some more eggs, Dear? George Burns: [extending his cup to Gracie] No, thanks. How about some coffee? Gracie Allen: [peering into George's cup] Oh, thanks - but you hardly have enough for yourself. |
| Season 5 / Episode 22: - Filmed Show #126 George Burns: Why should 'Dragnet' be the only show that has suspense? |
| Season 5 / Episode 12: - Filmed Show #116 George Burns: [telling a quick joke to Harry von Zell] Two psychiatrists meet on the street. One says to the other, "You're fine. How am I?". |
| Season 4 / Episode 2: - Filmed Show #54 George Burns: [looking into the bag of groceries that Gracie brought home] Hey, you did a lot of shopping. What'd you buy? Gracie Allen: Oh, some potatoes, and peas, and a bottle of bourbon, some corn... George Burns: Bottle of bourbon? Gracie Allen: Yeah, I'm fixing stewed chicken for dinner tonight. |
| Season 3 / Episode 37: - Filmed Show #37 George Burns: [speaking to the audience] Isn't this a sad ending? |
| Season 3 / Episode 27: - Filmed Show #27 George Burns: [monologue] I'd say that the majority of all domestic arguments start at the breakfast table. I knew a fellow who kept his face buried in the newspaper every morning- he never even looked up. His wife finally left him, and he didn't know it, until he read it in the paper four days later. |
| Season 3 / Episode 27: - Filmed Show #27 George Burns: Well, Gracie, now that everything is peaceful and quiet, would you like to go to a movie? Gracie Allen: Why, I'd love to! George Burns: Would you like to see 'Hans Christian Andersen' with Danny Kaye? Gracie Allen: I'd rather see it with you. |
| Season 3 / Episode 25: - Filmed Show #25 George Burns: [monologue] Once I played with a magician, the Amazing Alberto. He had a beautiful wife. Now, he wouldn't go on the stage, unless his wife was sitting in the front row. I asked him when the superstition started. He said, "About eight years ago, when I caught her kissing the electrician backstage". |
| Season 3 / Episode 25: - Filmed Show #25 George Burns: [monologue] I've gotta get to Palm Springs. My writers are waiting for me. They've been down there for a week, and so far all they've written is my name on the bottom of all the restaurant checks. Those five guys need me - I'm the only one who can type. |
| Season 3 / Episode 20: - Filmed Show #20 George Burns: [turning to the audience] You know, if this show had ended four lines sooner, I'd have saved fifteen-hundred dollars. |
| Season 3 / Episode 14: - Filmed Show #14 George Burns: Say, Blanche, I found out about Gracie and Harry, and I'm going over to kill him. Blanche Morton: Oh, well, George, could you wait a little while? He's doing the dishes. |
| Season 3 / Episode 10: - Gracie's Tall Tale George Burns: [Aside] That must have been Gracie's idea. She's about as subtle as a gravy sandwich. |
| Season 2 / Episode 13: - Live Show #39 Gracie Allen: George? George Burns: Yeah? Gracie Allen: Say, tonight after our show can we go see a picture? George Burns: Sure. Would you like to see the 'Death of a Salesman' with Fredric March? Gracie Allen: Well, I'd rather go with you, but if you're busy, I'll go with him. |
| Season 2 / Episode 7: - Live Show #33 Harry von Zell: Julie has been dying to meet the star of the Carnation television show... George Burns: Why, thank you. Harry von Zell: ...and George is her husband. |
| Season 2 / Episode 7: - Live Show #33 George Burns: What is it? Gracie Allen: Guess. George Burns: It could be anything. Gracie Allen: That's what it is. He's always wanted one. |
| Season 1 / Episode 24: - Space Patrol Kids Visit George Burns: The only game I remember playing when I was a kid was Cops and Robbers. Of course, in my neighborhood we used real cops. |
| Season 1 / Episode 16: - Teenage Girl Spends the Weekend George Burns: [Aside] You know, universal military training is a great idea. It prepares a kid for marriage. |
| Season 1 / Episode 12: - The Income Tax Man Ralph Hanley: I've finished you income taxes. George Burns: [reads the sheet] We owe the government 3 refrigerators of whipped Carnation? |
| Season 1 / Episode 3: - The Property Tax Assessor George Burns: [Referring to his monologue] On radio I could have done this entire bit sitting on a chair. |
| Season 1 / Episode 1: - The Kleebob Card Game George Burns: You see, to be a straight man you have to have a talent, you have to develop this talent, then you gotta marry her like I did. |
| Season 1 / Episode 1: - The Kleebob Card Game George Burns: A book salesman. Hmm. Going up to our house? Is he silly enough to try to sell Gracie a book? Yes he is - if he was smart he'd turn around and run. You heard of that play "Death of a Salesman"? Trying to sell something to Gracie is what killed him. |
| Unknown Episode: Gracie Allen: Well, you see one Christmas my father caught a wild turkey and he fed him corn and chestnuts. But then we didn't have the heart to kill him so we let him get away. George Burns: Oh, I see. Gracie Allen: But the turkey liked the food so well that he came back each year. And that way we always had... George Burns: A turkey for Christmas dinner? Gracie Allen: Yes. |
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