The Dick Van Dyke Show Quotes

The Dick Van Dyke Show

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The Dick Van Dyke Show Quotes

	Season 4 / Episode 27: - Never Bathe on Saturday Laura Petrie: [from the bathroom] Where's that stupid maid with the key? Robert 'Rob' Petrie: She's right here, honey. Maid: Stupid maid, huh? Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, we had a stupid maid once.
	Season 4 / Episode 27: - Never Bathe on Saturday Maid: Dearie, would you try jiggling the door knob? Laura Petrie: I can't reach the door knob. Maid: Why not? Robert 'Rob' Petrie: She's stuck. May I please? Maid: Look, why can't your wife reach the door from the other side? Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Because she's stuck in the tub. Maid: She calls me stupid? How could she do that?
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - Girls Will Be Boys Laura Petrie: [Ritchie has just told a very unconvincing lie to his parents] Our son is an awful liar! Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Now, honey, he doesn't do it very often... Laura Petrie: I know! That's why he's no good at it!
	Season 4 / Episode 16: - The Impractical Joke Sally Rogers: Don't you know that wiretapping is illegal?
	Season 4 / Episode 16: - The Impractical Joke Phil Franklin: Just a reasonable facsimile; I didn't help anybody. I got you myself, for myself!
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Romances, Roses, and Rye Bread Sally Rogers: Nah, it's just like my Aunt Agnes always says, "It's better to get a rose from a casual friend than to get a can of succotash from a hoodlum."
	Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Ghost of A. Chantz Mr. Little: There are no reservations. No rooms. Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Well, That's impossible. Robert 'Rob' Petrie: That's what we've been telling him. Look, Mr. Cooley called and made reservations. Right, Mel? Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: That's right. I... [realizes that he forgot and holds his forehead] Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: The Hairless Phantom strikes again.
	Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Ghost of A. Chantz Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Rob and I will work things out. Look, why don't you girls go and have dinner. Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [Referring to Buddy] Oh, and take IT with you. Rob, I-I just feel awful. Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Don't feel so bad, Mel. You finally accomplished a great feat - you got everybody hating you at the same time.
	Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Ghost of A. Chantz Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: [Reacts in fright] Ah! Oh! Sally Rogers: What's with you? Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Sally, Sallly, we've been working together five years. I never knew you looked like that. Sally Rogers: Like what? Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Like my wife.
	Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Ghost of A. Chantz Robert 'Rob' Petrie: You uh gonna go to bed with your shoes on? Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You know I can't run in my bare feet. Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Buddy, we've been here all evening and not one strange thing has happened. Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Oh no, how about that fireplace? Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I told you it's probably a live ember buried in the coals. Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah, or a dead body buried under the floor.
	Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Ghost of A. Chantz Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: All that's missing now is Vincent Price. Sally Rogers: [Nervously] Vincent?
	Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Ghost of A. Chantz Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Look, it's been over two hours now and nothing strange or unusual has happened. Sally Rogers: No? What do you call four grown people sleeping in the same bed with their clothes on?
	Season 3 / Episode 8: - Uncle George Rob Petrie: What about your Aunt Agnes? Sally Rogers: Oh no, you know what Aunt Agnes says about men. Rob Petrie: No. Sally Rogers: Man is like the drifting snow. It comes down in small flurries and piles up against the door, and before long you can't get out of the house.
	Season 2 / Episode 32: - When a Bowling Pin Talks, Listen Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Why don't you call Uncle Spunky and offer to buy the material from him? Alan Brady: Why don't you shut up and hand me the phone?
	Season 2 / Episode 32: - When a Bowling Pin Talks, Listen Alan Brady: Who's their sponsor? Rob Petrie: Crummy Buttons. Alan Brady: Yech!
	Season 2 / Episode 27: - Racy Tracy Rattigan Sally Rogers: Yeah... it's just like my Aunt Agnes always says, "You may have the world at your feet, but that don't stop the corns from hurtin'."
	Season 2 / Episode 20: - It May Look Like a Walnut! Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Danny Thomas put nuts in my hat!
	Season 2 / Episode 20: - It May Look Like a Walnut! Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, what a nightmare! What a nightmare! I dreamed that I was a Twylo-ite. And that I lost my sense of humor and my thumbs! [kisses thumbs fervently] Laura Petrie: I dreamt that Danny Thomas was chasing me and throwing walnuts at me and every place he'd hit me I'd lose a thumb and grow an eye!
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Bank Book 6565696 Rob Petrie: What I'd like to know is why you think you have to have your own private bank account. Laura Petrie: Because I do, Rob. Rob Petrie: Alright then. The next logical question is what's wrong with the money in our joint account? Laura Petrie: Well, that's our account and our money. This is my money. Rob Petrie: Your money? Laura Petrie: Yes. I want some of my own money to spend on anything I want. It's important to me. I don't want everything coming from you. Rob Petrie: Where'd you get this money? Laura Petrie: From you. Rob Petrie: Well then isn't it the same thing? You get money from me or you get money from that, which came from me. Laura Petrie: No, Rob, it's completely different. I put this money in a little at a time. At first, it's from you. But after it lies around a while I forget it came from you and then it's from me! Rob Petrie: [Rob gives Laura a funny look] Laura Petrie: Oh you just don't understand! Rob Petrie: Oh, yes, I understand. You want some money that's all your own. What I don't understand is why! Laura Petrie: That's it! That's it! That's it! Rob Petrie: What's it? Laura Petrie: You just don't understand! Rob Petrie: Look, honey, I want to understand, but you've got to help me a little bit. Give me a hint. [Laura cries] Just tell me the first word. [Laura continues to cry] The first letter. Honey, please! Laura Petrie: Alright I'll tell you. And I hope you're satisfied that you ruined everything! This money is for you! Rob Petrie: For me? Laura Petrie: Yes, Rob, for you. I wanted to buy you something for your birthday. Rob Petrie: But honey, you already got me a birthday present. Remember you gave me that shirt. Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, not for now. For two or three or four years from now. Whenever I saved up enough to buy you that stupid sports car you've been drooling over. That stupid XKGJFK 400 Roadster. And now you've ruined it! [cries louder than ever and falls onto bed]
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - The Two Faces of Rob Sally Rogers: Oh, come on Rob, she's teasing you because she thought you were teasing her. She know's it's you. Rob Petrie: [Shakes head] She thought it was him. Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: That's what she wants you to think. She knows it was you. Rob Petrie: You gonna tell me about her? You may know you, but you don't know her. She thought it was him Sally Rogers: Well, I know her, and I know you, and I'm telling you she knows it's you. Rob Petrie: You think you know about us? I am part of us, and I don't know her, but I know her better than you know her, and I tell you that she thought it was him and not me! Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: I like the way your eyes light up when you go crazy.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - The Two Faces of Rob Sally Rogers: Oh, come on Rob, she's teasing you because she thought you were teasing her. She know's it's you. Rob Petrie: [Shakes head] She thought it was him. Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: That's what she wants you to think. She know's it was you. Rob Petrie: You gonna tell me about her? You may know you, but you don't know her. She thought it was him Sally Rogers: Well, I know her, and I know you, and I'm telling you she know's it's you. Rob Petrie: You think you know about us? I am part of us, and I don't know her, but I know her better than you know her, and I tell you that she thought it was him and not me! Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: I like the way your eyes light up when you go crazy.
	Season 1 / Episode 23: - The Twizzle Sally Rogers: Wait till you hear. I went up to Connecticut this morning to visit my Aunt Agnes. You remember her, Rob. She's the one who says, "It is wise for a poor man to choose the weather, but it's folly for a rich man to choose a poor man." [Randy Twizzle looks confused] Don't try to figure it out. My Aunt Agnes was born on a hill.
	Season 1 / Episode 23: - The Twizzle Sally Rogers: I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. My Aunt Agnes was right. You know what she said when she saw Randy at the bowling alley? She said, "Sally, you can't tell a book if the title's covered." Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Y'know, I don't feel very good. Sally Rogers: What? Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I don't feel good. Sally Rogers: Well, what's the matter? Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I'm beginning to understand Aunt Agnes.
	Season 1 / Episode 16: - The Curious Thing About Women Sally Rogers: Hey! I got an idea for a line. My Aunt Agnes used to have a saying that went, uh, "If your heart is where the sky is bluest, then the sound of winter's twilight will be your friend." Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Your aunt said that? Sally Rogers: Yeah... and every time I think of it, I want to cry. Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Why? Sally Rogers: Because I think my Aunt Agnes is a nut.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - Forty-Four Tickets Rob Petrie: Four no tickets. I mean 44 no trump. I mean 44 no tickets. I mean 4 no trump! Haha, let's play tickets! Ouch! I mean let's play cards.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - Forty-Four Tickets Millie Helper: You haven't forgotten about the PTA coming to your studio? Rob Petrie: [stammering] Well... Jerry Helper: [Laura kicks Jerry under the table] Ouch! I think she meant this for you. Rob Petrie: [Jerry kicks Rob under the table] OW!
	Unknown Episode: Laura Petrie: You wanna end up another Dwight Heatherton, go ahead! Rob Petrie: Who's that? Laura Petrie: Dwight Heatheron happens to be an excellent writer who is unknown because he gets no publicity. Rob Petrie: Then how do you know him? Laura Petrie: Oh Rob, he's famous.
	Unknown Episode: Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob! Rob Petrie: Buddy! Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Sally! Sally Rogers: Mel!
	Unknown Episode: Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob, I can't tell you how much. Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: You can't tell us how much four and four are. Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Yech!
	Unknown Episode: Melvin (Mel) Cooley: I need a place to hide. Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Quick, grow some hair.

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