The Daily Show Quotes

The Daily Show

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The Daily Show Quotes

	Unknown Episode: Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. The most important television program... ever.
	Unknown Episode: Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: where more Americans get their news than probably should.
	Unknown Episode: Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Where more Americans get their news than any other nationality.
	Unknown Episode: Narrator: More Americans get their news from The Daily Show than any other nationality.
	Unknown Episode: Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. We're getting a helicopter... soon.
	Unknown Episode: Announcer: Need a hug? Then call now for free tickets to a taping of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. And good luck with that hug.
	Unknown Episode: Jon Stewart: Isn't it how if you lick a frog, you start to get crazy thoughts? Kermit the Frog: If you lick a frog, you were crazy to start with. Jon Stewart: [to audience] I can't believe it, the frog's running circles around me, this is terrible.
	Unknown Episode: Jon Stewart: Guy with chin-stud and... top-of-nose thing, I think I'll miss you most of all
	Unknown Episode: Jon Stewart: See, I only make fun of people who I know would never come on the show. Alec Baldwin: That's a long list.
	Unknown Episode: Frank DeCaro: The movie Traffic also stars Benicio Del Toro who, if he were any more unattractive, would be absolutely irresistible.
	Unknown Episode: A. Whitney Brown: Hello, I'm A. Whitney Brown. Some day, I hope to be THE Whitney Brown.
	Unknown Episode: Mo Rocca: I was busy waiting all night for the Columbus Day Bunny to come down my chimney and light fireworks in my pumpkin. Jon Stewart: ...There's so much wrong with that. Mo Rocca: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you were Jewish.
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: Well, Jon, the great jousting tournament that is Election Day draws nigh, the prize the building you see behind me, Castle Congress. But what side shall prevail in this epic electoral tilt? Who shall control the future of Fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy heavily-armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profits, beholden to no laws but those of our lord and savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a namby-pamby quasi-Socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the foul teat of government welfare? The choice is yours, fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is Democracy.
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: After all, it was Thomas Jefferson who said "Everyone imposes his own system as far as his army can reach." Jon Stewart: No, that was Stalin. Thomas Jefferson said that he'd "Rather have free press and no government, than a government and no free press". Stephen Colbert: Well, what else would you expect from a slave-banging, Hitler-loving queer?
	Unknown Episode: Jon Stewart: France, c'mon girl, don't be an invader hater.
	Unknown Episode: Harrison Ford: I don't really do action movies. Jon Stewart: You were Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford: Yeah, but... Jon Stewart: And Jack Ryan. Harrison Ford: I always saw Indiana Jones as a comedy. Jon Stewart: Well, I can assure you it's not. Harrison Ford: I'll have to let Spielberg know that. "Steve- not funny." Jon Stewart: You know Spielberg?
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: We won. Rebuilding is for losers. Time to party. And then it's off to Syria for the next invasion. Jon Stewart: Are we invading Syria? Stephen Colbert: Am I still bound by the military's restrictions on embedded reporters? Jon Stewart: Yes. Stephen Colbert: Then no.
	Unknown Episode: Jon Stewart: [on the U.S. overthrow of Saddam Hussein] No matter what side of the political spectrum you are on, if you are incapable of feeling at least a tiny amount of joy at watching ordinary Iraqis celebrate this, you are lost to the ideological left. And let me also add if you are incapable of feeling badly that we even had to use force in the first place, you are ideologically lost to the right. And I would implore both of those groups to leave the room now.
	Unknown Episode: Jon Stewart: [on U.S. involvement in Iraq] It's as though there's only two positions you can have - you're either for the war or against the troops.
	Unknown Episode: Jon Stewart: [on the November 2002 elections] One of the highest profile races this evening is for governor in Florida. It's a battle between incumbent Jeb Bush... Of course, we all know he is the brother of Neil Bush, the disgraced financier.
	Unknown Episode: Jon Stewart: [on the 2002 elections]Before we bring democracy to Iraq or even Afghanistan, it might be prudent to bring it to Florida. We don't have to bring regime change to the whole state. We can start in Pensacola and work our way down.
	Unknown Episode: Jon Stewart: Former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski and two other former Tyco executives have been charged with looting their company of hundreds of millions of dollars. If that weren't enough, putting a good deal of that toward private purchases on the company tab, including $36 million worth of homes, two sets of sheets for nearly $6, 000, and a shower curtain valued at $6, 000. I'll tell ya, for that price, it had really better keep small puddles from forming on the bathroom floor... In the most egregious example, Kozlowski spent $2.1 million on a lavish birthday party for his wife, complete with Roman gladiators at the door and an ice sculpture of Michelangelo's David that dispensed vodka from its penis. Classy and a perfect accompaniment to the beluga caviar oozing out its ass.
	Unknown Episode: Jon Stewart: [August 2002] While Clinton was partial to Hollywood heavyweights like Stephen Spielberg and Barbra Streisand, Bush has courted his own version of celebrity royalty, like pro golfer Ben Crenshaw and country singer Larry Gatlin. Not at the same time, of course. I mean, you'd just be begging for the place to get trashed.
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: If you're a lesbian, why are you turning me on?
	Unknown Episode: Jon Stewart: Triumph, you're not allowed to swear. Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: What do you mean? It's cable TV, man. Jon Stewart: No, it's basic cable, you can't swear. Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: You can't swear on cable, what's the [bleep] point? All right, no, no, no, I kid, I kid. Cable's great, Jon Stewart, and you're great, and you have a great show... for me to poop on. I mean come on, having a show on cable, it's not like it's real, it's like sniffing your sister's ass. Jon Stewart: Now look, I happen to like having a show on Comedy Central. Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: [sarcastically] Ooh, Comedy Central, good for you, Comedy Central. I have worms in my stool that have shows on Comedy Central.
	Unknown Episode: Jon Stewart: So, you're on Conan O'Brian tonight, am I right? Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: Uh, no, I'm actually on Friday, she's very good.
	Unknown Episode: Jon Stewart: [regarding the lawsuit against Napster] The judgment marks a key victory for the recording industry, in its aggressive battle against poor high school students and fun.
	Unknown Episode: President Bush: [recorded news statement] The US Military has given Saddam Hussein a message, and tonight a military aircraft will be flying over Iraq, broadcasting that same message to the Iraqi people. Jon Stewart: That message is: "Heads up."
	Unknown Episode: Jon Stewart: It should be mentioned that the only other people the US has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam and his two sons.
	Unknown Episode: Jon Stewart: Samantha, could you describe what caused the blackout? Samantha Bee: Well, Jon, at about two in the afternoon, a power station overloaded at the Lake Erie Loop. The power grid failed. Jon? Jon Stewart: Is that all? Samantha Bee: Pretty much. Jon Stewart: Do you even know how the power is distributed? Samantha Bee: Evenly? Jon Stewart: Do you know what the distributing process is? Samantha Bee: [uncertainly] Well, first they shovel the energy into a big pile... and put it in wheelbarrows... and then they roll it down to the transformers. Jon Stewart: Transformers? Samantha Bee: You know, big robots; turn into cars; shoot lasers out their eyes?

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